Page 37 of Operator
“Because you keep trying to run away.”
“Of course I’m trying to run away. I’m trying to be the better person. Isn’t that why you abandoned me the first time? So that I could be with a better man? That’s what you said, right? That I deserved to be with someone who would always be around? I did a great job with that one, didn’t I? He sure stuck around!” My voice goes high-pitched at the end, breaking in the middle of the sentence. I try to turn away again, but he’s too close. I can barely breathe with how close he is. “Back up and give me some space.”
Eyes serious, he says, “No chance in hell, angel. I’m here whether you like it or not, and as much as you try to push me away, I’m sticking. Fight and claw all you want, but I’m not leaving you.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” I practically shout, shoving at his massive wall of a chest. He doesn’t budge. He doesn’t flinch. He lets me yell and scream at him until my voice goes hoarse. The steadfast rock against the battering storm. “You wouldn’t make promises to me before, so why start now? Your brother promised to be by my side forever and look what happened! Everyone I love leaves me, Cal. I can’t handle it again. I can’t. I’ll break.”
My whole body is shuddering under the force of my emotions, but this time, I don’t cry. No, I’m angry. So angry I want to hurt something, but Cal won’t leave, and I won’t hit him, so all I can do is stew in my own fury.
This time, he takes my face in both his hands so I can’t look away. It forces me to look deep into his eyes, and the intensity in them makes me shudder. When he speaks, his voice is gravelly and calm, full of conviction. “Yell at me all you want. It’s not going to change anything. You aren’t going to scare me away, and there’snothingthat could make me leave. If you’re gonna hear anything, hear this. You can keep trying to push me to see what I’ll do, but theonlything it’ll prove is that I meanexactlywhat I say. I’ve got all the time in the world, angel, and I’m going to spend it convincing you I’m not going anywhere. No matter what anyone thinks, no matter what happens. I’m in it for good. You better start dealing with it.”
“What about her?” I ask, nodding to Violet, who is snoozing soundly with no regard to my outburst.
He kisses me once as though none of my fears matter as much as having my mouth once more. God help me, I soften, if only a little. Our heaving breaths mingle, and he pulls back after the slightest brush of our lips. “This baby only wants for her mama to be happy, Gwen. And I plan on spending the rest of my life making you happy. If you’ll let me.” With care, he reaches past me to turn the eggs back on. He places the spatula in my hand with a squeeze. “I’ll take care of her if you want to finish.”
He leaves me with my thoughts and my aching heart.
What I hate more than hating him is wanting to believe him.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CALLUM
With the tasteof her on my tongue, I let the conversation trail off, giving her space to work through what I’ve said, even though it’s driving me crazy. It’s alright that she doesn’t believe me right away. Actions always speak louder than words and I’m going to show her that I plan to stick this time. Not only for her, but for Violet, too.
When I handle the dishes afterwards, she tends to the baby. I find them in the nursery listening to baby music and looking at black and white pictures. “What the hell are you doing to that baby?” I ask.
She glances up warily, like I’m gonna tackle her for another kiss. I hide my smile because she has no idea how much that’s all I want to do. “Babies can only see black and white at first. The contrasts are stimulating to them.”
This distracts me. “Babe, the whole world is stimulating to them, I promise you.”
She lifts a shoulder and goes back to flipping through the pictures. “Well, I think she likes it.”
The baby squalls in protest as though contradicting her mother, and I crack a smile. “I think she begs to differ.”
“She hates tummy time. But it’s good for her neck muscles.”
“If you say so.”
“Do you need something, or did you just come here to criticize?” she says with a glare.
“I’m happy to take Junior out with me. Play in the dirt. Real baby things. But first I wanted to look at anything you have of Ian’s. Phone? Computer? I know you were going through his things at the storage shed. Did you find anything else suspicious?” She startles, but recovers quickly. That’s my girl.
The baby is crying more intensely, so she lifts Violet into her lap. I don’t miss that her arms wrap around her little body as though to shield her. “I’ve got his phone and computer. I had his passwords to everything. I’ve already looked at them, but maybe you’ll find something more useful.” She gets to her feet and pads through the house to a closet in the guest bedroom. She indicates a storage box and I pull it out for her and place it on the bed. “Here, hold her for me, and I’ll get everything out for you.”
The baby makes a sound of protest as she hands her over, but settles when I start bouncing her. It’s already become a habit, soothing Violet. I barely notice I’m doing it as Gwen retrieves a phone and laptop from the container. “Was there anything you remember before he died that would make you think he was in trouble? People? Things he talked about? Anything at all? I know you said there wasn’t, but it could be anything. Something that seemed normal at the time.”
For a moment, the only sound is the clack of her fingers on the keyboard. “To be honest, the only thing he talked about in the end was…well, you.”
That takes me aback, and I frown. “Me? What about me?”
To the surprise of no one, I wasn’t the best brother in the world. I didn’t spend a whole hell of a lot of time keeping in touch with Ian, and even less so after he married Gwen. I buried myself in my career so much that my life during that time became a blur of deployments, hospitals, and airports. At the time, I thought just one more would feel like enough, like I had accomplished my goal, but I realize now there never would have been enough. I was the type of operator who would live and die for my team. I would have given anything to redo the deployment where we lost Tate and given myself up instead. But now…now I realize how precious this life is, and because of him and Ian, how quickly it can be over. Now, all I want is a life with the woman whose eyes make me feel like the world isn’t all bad.
“That he was worried about you. If you were keeping safe on your last deployment. The one where…” She glances up at me like she’s worried she said too much.
“Yeah.” Where Tate died. It’s been a while and the thought still has a cold sweat breaking out between my shoulder blades. “Why would he talk about that?” It doesn’t make any sense. Ian had been an MP and had rarely gone outside the gates. His job was to protect them. I made it clear to him before he joined that I’d kick his ass if he ever got himself in any more trouble than absolutely necessary. Especially after he and Gwen got married.
Her brows furrow as she sits on the edge of the bed. “He talked about you all the time. He called me after Ryan died and was so torn up about it. I think he was upset because it could have been you. It freaked him out for a long time afterward. I tried to convince him to go to the doctor, but he wouldn’t hear of it.” She pales. “Do you think that’s what it is? Did something happen then? At the time, I thought he was just rattled because it was such a close call for you…but—”
