Page 8 of Dahlias, Sapphires, and Cool Autumn Dusk
Quiet pressed over the room, a heavy sort of sacredness like a blanket when they started to fall asleep. I would never want to share the very private moment with anyone but them. They trusted me with their most vulnerable times, and I did the same. Sometimes they had nightmares or morning wood. Sometimes kissing sessions happened with one or two of them while the others slept.
I didn’t know how I’d lived without them, and I didn’t know how I would when I had to again. I sighed.Why do those thoughts always find their way in?
Jeremy fell back asleep, his nap obviously not enough from earlier. His snores soon sounded slow and steady. Barrett conked out, too. Phoenix’s hand rested on my stomach, his usual pose as he fell asleep. I could feel his fingers twitch sometimes, especially when he dreamed. He tucked his forehead against my neck, so I could feel him breathing, and I was grateful for it. Mymother died in her sleep from a drug overdose, so I absolutely loved being able to feel him breathe and know he lived.
Julian wasn’t asleep, though. I turned my head to regard him, practically feeling his alertness. “You okay?” I asked him.
“I finished my play during our break this morning. It terrifies me, but I would love if you would read it. I think…Ithinkit might be good?”
I wasn’t sure if I’d ever heard him sound insecure before, so it took me a second to recognize the differences. My heart clenched and I kissed his nose. “Yes. Tomorrow. Give it to me.”
“Thank you. Tell me if it’s bad, you can be honest. I trust you. The stuff you do with thePoor Relation? You’re talented is what I’m trying to say. I might not be.”
I shook my head. “I can doonething. I’ve never written a play.”
“You’re talented, Baby.” He smiled, his teeth glinting in the darkness. “Are you okay about tomorrow? I wish I could walk you to school, but Phoenix will be with you. I’ll find a way to see you during the day. Plus, you’re going to come to our scrimmage tomorrow, despite the fact we’ll lose. The teams from Dallas always eat us for dinner. But who knows, though? Maybe wearebetter this year. That’s how we’ll find out.”
I nodded. “I’ll be there.”
“Good.” He kissed me gently. “You’re sure you’re okay after today?”
“I’m neverreallyokay. You know that. Today…it’s not harder or worse than other times, but when your brothers were with me, it made it…survivable.”
He didn’t speak for a long second. “If I was there, I would’ve lost it.”
I could believe that. Jeremy often got painted as the more volatile of the twins, but when it came to me, Julian lost his cool if I was hurt in any way.
“Oh,” he added then sighed. “Don’t let Phoenix kiss you on the steps of Pullman, okay?”
I laughed gently, which made Phoenix mutter something and shift his hips, his body pressed more fully against mine. He didn’t really sleep for years before I came into his life, but now he was convinced I was the reason he could finally rest. I sometimes wondered if it was less about me and more about the peace he found in surrendering to the idea of staying with his family. I mentioned the theory to him, and he didn’t agree, but did it really matter so long as he got rest?
It was so much better to have a rested Phoenix than a not-rested Phoenix.
“I love you,” Julian whispered, tucking me a bit closer to his body. “I know you don’t say it yet, but I love you. I want you to know that, to hear it and believe it.”
I ran my finger over his nose. “I’m just afraid.”
“I know. We’ll be okay. Soon, things will be normal, or our version of it. You’ll be able to trust it.”
I hoped he was right, even though I kind of doubted such a thing was possible.
3
Ifelt Julian get out of bed but didn’t rouse entirely when he awoke. It was more like the absence of the sound of his breathing that caught my attention. I’d gotten used to how he and Jeremy snored, and I liked the sounds. The noise told me they were in the room, nearby, and that was what I wanted every night. All of them in my room.
I would give it up if they needed it, but I wanted it just the same.
I drifted back to sleep, still wrapped up in Phoenix and grateful that they had their alarms on their watches, which softly woke them, so we didn’t all have to be on water polo schedules. I never heard Barrett get up, but I smelled the coffee he brewed in the other room sometime around six- thirty in the morning. He would leave in half an hour, which was technically when Phoenix and I should get up to be at school at eight.
Phoenix agreed to that time.
I opened my eyes to find him actually awake already. He smiled at me, a soft look, lit by the morning starting to stream through the bottom of the shade on the window.
“Little did they know all they ever had to do to get me up was to brew coffee,” he whispered, and I grinned.
We brewed coffee lots of times and it had absolutely not awoken Phoenix, but it was a cute thought.
As with other mornings—actually, most mornings—he was hard against me. We’d never discussed morning wood, and I could feel it against me, but alone, with just the two of us, I felt brave.
