Page 10 of Dahlias, Sapphires, and Cool Autumn Dusk
I used to think about leaving, about my future on my own, because maybe I could love myself then, but I wanted to stay since I met them. I still needed to figure out how to be okay there.
The uniform was kind of awful, but it would be awful on just about everyone. The green and red, with some blue interwoven into the plaid skirt fell beneath my knees.Shapeless and drab.Underneath, we had to wear nude pantyhose, and I had an extra pair in my bag in case they ran during the day. The top was a sweatshirt, which we even had to wear on hot days. I asked.
But Jeremy told me some of the girls wore white t-shirts underneath instead when it got really hot. Mostly, the teachers didn’t comment, but they could if they wereextra.
His words.
I put on the white t-shirt that said Pullman in green letters across the chest. I stared at my reflection with frustration. It was the best it was going to get. Finally, I slipped into my new Mary Janes. As had been the case in Chicago, only our shoes were allowed to be individual.
I thought the outfit saidI’m blending, leave me alone.Before I left, I put on the pink freshwater pearls Jeremy had bought me. They said that he thought I was strong—Alatheia strong—so I loved them.
So much.
Phoenix waited for me in the hall dressed in the same color scheme. . .sort of. In his case, it meant khaki pants and a red and blue striped tie to go with his green blazer with its embroidered P. Under the blazer, he was supposed to wear a dress shirt, but instead he chose a white t-shirt. I honestly didn’t blame him since it was just too hot for how they wanted us to dress.
He stared at me, his gaze moving slowly up and down my body. “Fuck, you look sexy in that. I’ve never thought school uniforms were sexy, but it is on you. Come here.” He pulled me to him and kissed me thoroughly, so I left some of my lipstick on his bottom lip. I quickly wiped it away then laughed when I fixed mine.
“Thanks?” I shrugged. “I hoped for good enough to make no waves and maybe, just maybe, make one friend.”
He tilted his head before he took my hand. “Friends? Yes, you should have friends.”
I held up one finger. “I only want that many. I’ve never had any. Not so easy for the poor relation.” I shrugged as if it didn’t matter.
“Hmm. You’ll have as many friends as you want. Tell me who you want for your friends, and I’ll see to it.”
I leaned on his arm as we walked toward the elevator. “Phoenix, you can’ttellpeople to be my friends. That’s not how it works. I wouldn’t want that anyway.”
“Hmm.” His noncommittal noise didn’t really inspire confidence.
We strolled to school together, but about halfway there, he released my hand.Yep, now I can’t be with him that way.Now I’m just his friend.I knew I would hate it, and I did.
Pullman was on East 84thbetween Park and Madison Avenues, and only a fifteen-minute walk, when the weather allowed. Phoenix said we would be driven if it snowed.
Then again, if it snowed, he might just skip. I knew I wouldn’t be doing that, and I raised my chin primly at the thought.
On his own, he would ride his skateboard to school. Escorting me, he walked. Though I’d ridden on the back of his skateboard before, I didn’t think I could do it in my school uniform.
The building loomed ahead of us, a converted mansion in the middle of the city—the old Daven place. I didn’t know who the Davens were, but evidently an old money family who once lived on half the side of a street block. Their home towered old and beautiful looking.
And totally intimidating.
Kids milled around on the street, drinking coffee and calling out hellos. The twins were there somewhere, somewhere in the crowd after showering after practice.
I caught my breath, biting my lip.This is awful.The first days in new places always were the worst for me, though.
“On god, if you say you want to keep walking, I will gladly go with you.” Phoenix then shook his head. “I mean right the fuck now.”
I almost said yes, but I searched for courage.How bad can it be?
“Lent,” a voice shouted to him.
He turned around, a smile cracking his face. “Raz.”
I blew out a breath, ready to face the fire.
It helped that Phoenix and I shared Remedial Study Skills together for our first period so I didn’t get lost. He wasn’t inany hurry to get there, meandering along, so my nervous energy made me want to scream. I wanted to be in my seat, looking down, and bothering no one when the bell rang. Still, I forced my face serene and got myself into the zone to say nothing to anyone. Instead, I watched their shoes and let myself sink into the invisible role I’d perfected before Julian spotted me outside his granny’s in June.
The halls were narrow, so everyone crowded their way through the space, the noise at ungodly levels.
