Page 9 of Dahlias, Sapphires, and Cool Autumn Dusk
“Does it hurt?” I’d never brought it up before. Not once.
He didn’t pretend to misunderstand me. “Yes, an ache. But I love it because I know I’m here with you. I know what it means, and I know what some day it can mean. I know that it means I’m alive.”
I swallowed. “I love that you’re alive.”
“You do, don’t you?” He closed his eyes, pressing our foreheads together before he kissed me. “And I love you. I wanted to say it before today.” He sighed. “And I just want to stay in this bed with you. Awake. Not sleeping. Wrapped up like this. Smelling you. Talking to you. Forever.”
I wiped his hair off his forehead. “We could have done that this summer.”
“I know and I’m an ass for not thinking about it. Who needs food when there is Alatheia in my bed?” He frowned. “Guess we have to get up.”
“We do. I’ll bring you some of that coffee.”
Phoenix flopped on his back. “Okay. We’ll take turns. You do today. I’ll do tomorrow.”
I doubted I would get him up as easily tomorrow, but I agreed just the same. I swung my legs over and headed into the living room. The AC in their apartment was inconsistent, some rooms cold, others warmer, despite their efforts to fix it. Each room had a radiator system supposed to heat and cool them, but the building was old and some of the rooms needed separateunits. The living room was always cold, probably because the windows were so big and maybe, Jeremy said, gave a slight draft. The kitchen, by contrast, was hot so I was glad that I wore my tiny gra y shorts and black tank top. They told me I would appreciate the heat in the kitchen when winter came.
I loved the thought that I could be there for winter.
I lived three years in San Francisco and two years in Chicago, though. There was no real sense of permanence for me.
Barrett wore a pair of dark tailored jeans and a white t-shirt under a navy cashmere crewneck sweater. The silver watch he always wore, because his granny gave it to him for graduation, was on his left wrist. She engraved it with the wordsRemember who you are—Granny. It was vintage and expensive. I didn’t know about men’s watches, but I could tell that much. His soft-looking black satchel sat on the counter. And on his feet—because I always checked—were chocolate brown lace up boots. They saidI’m rich but I hardly notice it.I grinned.Yep, that is Barrett.
He smiled and opened his arms. I walked into them. “Aren’t you dying of the heat in here in that?”
“No.” He kissed my head and then left his nose there on my scalp. “I’m used to it in here. Coffee?”
“Yes. Please. I have to bring one to Phoenix, too.”
He laughed, a low sound. “He’s conscious?”
“Actually, yes.”
Barrett didn’t know how handsome he was. How gorgeous, really.Strong. Fit. Put together.I never wanted to leave his arms. It might sound ridiculous, but it was how I felt.
“So, let’s make sure I have it right, so I can picture you all day.” I pulled back to look at him. “At eight, you have Introduction to Constitutional Law for an hour and fifteen minutes. Then, at 10:30, you have Philosophical Foundationsof Justice. That’s also an hour and fifteen minutes, then you’re done with class for the day.”
He nodded. “Yes, I have your schedule in my phone, so I can picture you, too.” He let go of me to fix me coffee, which he handed me before he made Phoenix’s. I’ll meet you at the scrimmage tonight, and I’ll miss you all day, so please text in the hallway when you can, because you can’t in class.”
“I will.”
His smile was small. “I thought I wanted to go to college because I wanted to get away from my family. That’s still true. I wanted to because I didn’t know how we’d ever have a life that I could be a part of. Like, how would we meet the girl who was going to do this life with us? It seemed preposterous. But here you are, so now I just wish it had all been a year earlier, so I could go to school with you, too.”
I set down my coffee and hugged him again, tighter. “When you say things like that, I believe you.”
He would know—because he was Barrett—what I meant.
He had to leave to be on time—which for Barrett meant being early—so I brought Phoenix his coffee. He sat up in bed, and if I had to guess from experience, he’d already popped his ADHD pill. I set the coffee next to him and he smiled. “Thanks. Barrett gone?”
“Just. I’m going to shower.”
He rose, taking his coffee with him. “I will, too. In my bathroom. See you in a minute.”
They had the best water pressure in this building. But then again, I’d thought that at Tricia’s, too. Maybe it was a New York thing, or maybe the water pressure at Amelia’s in Chicago had just been particularly bad. I showered quickly and then blow dried my hair. I’d added it to my routine and tried to get better at it lately. I actually watched a video of a girl with similar hair to mine, and hers looked great. I tried to copy her work, whichI had not attempted before—probably a stupid choice for my first day—but I took a curling iron and tried to make waves. In the end, it wasn’t horrible.Not going-to-turn-heads great but presentable.
I’d bought some makeup, so I did my eyes and my lips. I was trying hard for me, but not because I cared what the Pullman people thought. I didn’t want the Lents to become ashamed of me. The more I was insulted, the more they were bound to change their minds. They had to live in the wealthy world. Further, they needed to fit in, so no one questioned anything about them. I needed to blend in enough that I was only moderately a problem and not a huge one.
I wished I loved myself more.
