Page 45 of Roses, Pearls, and Hot Summer Nights
They wanted to stay in the same building as me? It might have been the sweetest thing anyone ever said about me. Internally, I groaned. Even if I couldn’t risk admitting it aloud, I had officially fallen for them. I couldn’t deny it to myself anymore. ThePoor Relationwas always looking for the Real Deal, but I had found that side of them, and I admitted I liked it.
When our ride arrived—slower than Phoenix’s and with less curb jumping enthusiasm—we all climbed inside. Julian dropped his head onto my shoulder, shifting his body until he got comfortable and then he almost vibrated against me. He was upset, and I could feel the stress of it in the tension of his body. I took his hand in mine and squeezed, focusing on how small my fingers looked between his. He made the slightest noise, something between a moan and a groan, then dug his forehead gently into my shoulder.
“Sorry about tonight,” Barrett whispered, and I glanced up to find his gaze focused out the window. “Today just got so completely out of control.”
I could understand that, but I didn’t say anything aloud. Music in another language bounced out of the speakers, just background noise while we shared a moment. They both let their guard down with me. Could I do the same?
Before I could decide, Julian asked, still whispering, “What happened at the last art gallery?”
I blinked before remembering I mentioned it to them. I shrugged, taking my turn to gaze out the window at the city sliding past. “Arguably, even worse luck than tonight. My aunt got drunk and announced she was throwing me out of the house. I wasn’t surprised or anything …” How could I have been, after what happened the night before? I wasn’t sharing that, though. Not yet.Maybe not ever.“But she caused a giant scene. She broke a glass. The gallery owner threw us out.”
Barrett turned to stare at me, the weight of his gaze tempting me to let him in, if I dared. “That’s awful.”
I shrugged a shoulder, trying to explain it to him in a way that would make more sense. “Actually … I mean, yeah, it’s awful. Especially when you get all melodramatic about it. But if you look at it in the grand scheme of my relationship with my family, it was more memorable or comical than anything else.”
He took my other hand and brought it to his lips, then he kissed my palm gently. I stared into his eyes for long moments, feeling so cherished and special that it took my breath away. Finally, he said, “Your family is fucking awful. Ours is too, but differently.”
“Sometimes I feel like I’m living someone else’s life.” The confession felt too personal, but I owed them that much. “Like I’m not supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be in North Dakota, still living in a trailer with my mom. We’d visit the lake nearby. Maybe I’d go there with friends on the weekends. Mom would be tired, always working, but she’d still laugh at my jokes. Sometimes we’d fight—a lot—because I didn’t know yet what it would feel like to lose her. I took those arguments for granted. Especially when she got mad about me skipping school … to go to that lake.”
I smiled at the made up memory that I could have but did not have—simpler, somehow, than anything in my current life.
“We’d drink cheap beer and say things like, ‘I’m going to get the fuck out of here one day.’”
My voice cracked. I shook my head and pushed forward.
“But this life?” I waved my hands, trying to find footing in it. “I don’t know anything about this. I can’t picture myself in a Chelsea gallery. I can’t even remember the name of the charity at that Chicago architecture gala we were at the gallery for that night—because it doesn’t really matter as long as we’re seen supporting it. They clink cocktails on rooftops in the summer, overlooking the city while people talk about the Fire like they lived through it.”
I was rambling now, emotion and memory tangling in my throat.
“Or there’s that tech launch my uncle dragged me to. I didn’t understand it then, but now I know—Stanford dropouts, billionaires and people clinging to their orbit. And there I was.The orphaned niece paraded around like proof of how generous he was being.”
I clamped a hand over my mouth, like I could pull the words back in before they reached anyone’s ears. Too much. Way too much. I never talked this much—and for good reason
“Too much?” I whispered, raising a brow.
Barrett shook his head and rested a hand on my knee. “It sounds like the beginning of a story. Go on. Tell me more, please?”
“I can’t,” I managed, “I just … can’t.
Julian lifted his head, his gaze steady as it met mine.
“I need a reason why we would’ve visited that lake in North Dakota. If we’re pretending everything else, then fine, my uncle’s developing property there. Because I won’t exist in any version of this world where I don’t meet you this week. Maybe we stayed by that remote lake with you. Maybe I hated the idea of you facing any of that alone. For people like us, the idea of any world outside our own sounds foreign. Frightening. Change like that? It makes us terrified. But you did it. Youleft. And I find that terrifically brave. I don’t even know how we’d function outside of our world—and I don’t just mean my family. I mean all of it. You have to see that by now. Lily—she’s terrified. Because Barrett doesn’t want her. And what does it mean? It keeps her up at night, wondering if he can see past her masks, all the way down to the parts of her that don’t feel worthy of this life. And the truth is … hecan.”
He kept speaking. “But if she’s being honest? She’s not afraid of him seeing those parts. She’s afraid becauseshesees them. And she doesn’t dare look too closely. The dirtiest, best-kept secret of all is this: the more we act like we’re entitled to everything, the more afraid we are that we don’t deserve any of it. And worse … that someone might come along one day and take it all away.”
I caught my breath, leaning closer to him automatically. “You’re not small and worthless inside. None of you are.”
He put his head back on my shoulder, closing his eyes again. “Thank you. I’m so tired. Why am I so tired?”
The car arrived at my building before either Barrett or I could answer. We climbed out and walked inside together, with Barrett greeting the doorman by name. I loved how he knew everyone everywhere he went, like they were old friends. His confidence rang out in his actions and his sense of self in the world.
“Go to Granny’s,” he said then patted Julian on the back. “I’ll walk Alatheia upstairs. You get some sleep. You’re tired because you sit up all night worrying about things you never tell the rest of us about. You’re tired because our life is exhausting, and you must have recognized that right off, pretty much since birth. Plus, you’ve had to spend every second of your existence with Jeremy. That would makeanyoneneed a nap.”
Julian laughed and threw his head back, which made a glimmer appear in Barrett’s gaze that hadn’t been there before. Their oldest brother needed them to all be okay. It made me wonder: what would it be like to have siblings who really cared about my safety and wellbeing?
Julian leaned over then kissed me on the lips, the heat of his mouth stealing my ability to think. “Goodnight, Sweetheart. Tomorrow will be a better day,” he promised softly.
I shook my head, blushing furiously. “I’m never going to get used to all of you kissing me and it just being fine.”
