Page 70 of A Gentleman's Reckoning
“I know, John.” Her gentle voice reached him and calmed the worst of his fears, especially when he heard her use his name. “My father informed me of having met you in Ancoats, and he told me that you confessed your feelings for me.”
The swift change in topic and—it seemed—his fortunes caused John’s throat to constrict, making it hard to bring air in. Dare he hope again?
“I did.”
“This is why I wanted to meet. I knew that you would not disregard my order to stay away, so that if I wished to see you again,Ihad to be the one to arrange the meeting. Although”—she lifted her fingers to cool her cheeks—“it is so forward of me that I can scarcely bring myself to look at you.”
This broke John out of his stupor.
“I am glad you did.” He took the remaining two steps to her and grasped both of her hands. “I was resigning myself to a life of never seeing you again and was trying to learn how to live with it. I must tell you that never in all my days have I contemplated the future with such bleakness as I have in these past two weeks.”
She tilted her face upward, her eyes searching his. “Nor I. Everything you said about my father was true. It did not takemuch to believe you, and once I did, I could not remain angry with you. I…I have missed you.”
Though conscious of his unworthiness, John could not refrain from lifting her hands to his lips. He permitted himself this gesture of gratitude, of reverence, before releasing her hands and preparing himself for what he must say next. If he wanted to propose, he was honor bound to lay everything bare before her. Geny must know what bargain she was getting should she agree to become his wife. It was the weight of this confession that made it difficult to fully meet her gaze.
“You need to know what kind of man I am—what kind of man I’ve been. I spent eight years in London as the worst kind of rake and have nothing to show for my time there.” He stopped, forcing air in his lungs, then rushed on before he lost the courage. “I lived a life of pleasure, heedless of anyone but myself. I ruined a man by winning his fortune in a card game—this you know—but in fact, there were many other card games where my own losses were great. I spent my time in the clubs, spending recklessly, drinking, women…”
John stopped, unable to say anything else or even to form a coherent ending to his confession. He burned with shame, waiting to hear what she would say. He waited like a man on the gallows. After a stretch of time that seemed like forever, he heard the question she asked in her quiet voice.
“Are you still that man today?”
“I am not.” It required no time for reflection. “That man died with his reputation.”
“Good.” Her voice was light, and her tone sounded like a smile. It invited him to lift his eyes. “I am glad. For I quite like the man who stands before me now.”
Her expression of grace made him want to deserve it. His heart pounded with a new hope.
“I was wrong to deceive you, Geny. I regret it, as I regret the liberties I took while engaged in my deceit. I can hardly believemy good fortune that you are willing to grant me an audience to tell you this, but I promise never to deceive you again, not as long as you will allow me to be a part of your life.”
“I believe you,” she said softly.
He reached out and gently took her elbow, pulling her closer, his eyes lovingly skimming every detail of her features from her soft blonde hair to her pale brow, her wide eyes to her stubborn dimpled chin, all while breathing in the comfort of her subtle scent… Everything about her left him feeling fresh and hopeful. It always had.
“If I were more of a gentleman”—his voice had gone gruff—“perhaps I would do the honorable thing and insist you forget about me, leaving you free to find a more worthy husband.”
Her knit brows caused him to release her hands and lift his knuckles to graze the side of her cheek. “Unfortunately, I am only a man, and I am not strong enough to do that. Will you marry me, Geny?”
She nodded, her eyes bright, her lips pressed together in a smile as though she did not trust her voice to speak.
He could breathe again. John’s smile spread. “Forgive me if my ego is too great, but is that a yes? May I hear it from your lips?”
She nodded in broad motions. “Yes,” she said, her pressed lips spreading into a grin.
John gave an audible sigh of relief and reached his arms around her to pull her into a tight hug. Then, just as quickly, he pulled away again, dropping his arms to his side in consternation. Too late, he remembered his decision to be virtuous.
Geny looked up at him with bright eyes—trusting eyes—a look which turned to confusion when he continued to stand at a distance. When he saw that look, he wished to take her in his arms again to reassure her of his consuming love for her, but did not dare. She deserved only the best, most honorable treatment from him. The safest way to guarantee it was to keep hisdistance until they were married. But then, surely, he should act like a man betrothed and not like a mere stranger, shouldn’t he?
To his growing dismay, he discovered that any useful skill he might once have possessed in the art of seduction—as well as any talent therein—had fled. Here he was betrothed, with the right at the very least to kiss his fiancée, but he dared not do it. He was not worthy of a woman of her virtue.
“Good,” he said stupidly when the silence stretched.
Perhaps if he attempted a reformed lifestyle for a few months first, he might become worthy of being her husband.
Geny took a step back, studying him with surprise bordering on indignation. “Mr. Aubin, after you have shown me what satisfaction it is to be kissed by you, are you now going to deny me this after I have promised to become your wife?”
“No, no,” he protested, the ridiculousness of the situation causing him to slap his hand to his head.
“No.” He stepped forward again and this time put his arms around her. He looked into her eyes as he pulled her close again. “It is only that you are too good for me, and I didn’t dare to take any liberties.”
