Page 90 of Top Scorer
“Or maybe I wasn’t worth sticking around for.”
He rolls his eyes. “If you loved her, you’d have kept her close, broken knee or not.”
Somehow, his words ring true when I think about Ligaya.
“There is someone,” I say hesitantly at first.
Who am I kidding, tiptoeing around the subject? I asked Radek to hang out with me because he’s a great guy in a solid relationship. A family man whose advice is golden.
“Her name is Ligaya. We went to high school together. Reconnected for a bit. Without planning to, she got pregnant. With twins. Our twins.” I’m not exactly delivering the news with eloquence, but Radek gets enough information to send him howling. Half the bar looks our way. He doesn’t notice. Just reaches over and pats my back.
“Congratulations, man! That’s huge.”
“It is,” I say almost shyly. “You’re right. I’d always want Ligaya and the kids in my life.”
It wouldn’t have mattered how battered my body, I would fight to be the man they needed.
Radek finishes his beer with a long, slow sip and sets it down loudly, like an exclamation point.
“That’s the kind of news you deliver with a big-ass smile, my friend. Not that grimace you’re wearing like you’re on your way to a colonoscopy. What’s the problem?”
“For one thing, I wouldn’t know where to begin to be a good father. My dad provided for us, but he’s no model for how I want to be with our kids. He never wanted to be with us, to understand us. When my sister died, it all went to shit.”
The fact of our twins’ arrival overwhelms me with emotions. Love and protectiveness and pride.
But there’s anxiety, too, that I’ll fail. That wanting children with Ligaya, wishing our family into existence, will tempt fate. Anyone who thinks I’m exaggerating has probably never lost someone as important—as essentially permanent—as Olive was to me.
“I’m sorry, Tristan. That sucks.”
“Not looking for a pity party, Novie. Give me a game plan. How do I get this right?”
“Dads get things wrong all the time. Ask my kids. The difference is you want to understand them. You want to be close and build something together. You and Ligaya will figure it out.”
I give an ambivalent shrug.
“Are you together? Or is it, like, platonic co-parenting? That’s cool, too.”
“It isn’t platonic. We can’t get enough of each other. But she’s all about keeping things casual because we need to focus on the kids. No relationship drama.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I want it all,” I tell him honestly. Voicing my innermost desires is so freeing, I can’t stop myself from spilling out, “I asked her to marry me. She turned me down.”
After a beat, he says, “She isn’t wrong about focusing on the pregnancy and the kids.”
“Of course she isn’t wrong. She’s smart and brilliant and amazing. All I want is to be with her, take care of her in every way. It’s themutualcommitment part I can’t lock down.”
From beyond the window, snow’s falling like a curtain under the streetlamp. I stare out at it, unwilling to return Radek’s frank assessment of my tight jaw and stiff lips.
“You’re a wuss.”
“Excuse me? I’m paying for your dinner. At the very least, I deserve a better insult thanwuss.”
“You haven’t told her you’re in love with her, have you?”
My face gives it away.
“What the fuck are you waiting for?”
