Page 38 of Falling for Paris
“Like a long-distance thing.”
“If that’s what you want.”
Is it?WhatdidTori want? Maybe at some point it would have been enough to stay connected and see where things led, but after last night, she had to admit she wanted more.
Yet doubt lingered. Would she be enough for him? How would they navigate the challenges ahead? She knew how she felt about him. And then another doubt reared its ugly head. Was this another instance of her giving up her life for a man? The thought just rang false. With James, everything was an extension of his needs. She was naturally inclined to help and he took advantage of that. Her ex-husband gave minimal in return. Rafael gave her so much. Even the way he managed his pain, meticulously ensuring he took all precautions, he did that for her as much as for himself.
“If I…if I didn’t have a condo and a job to deal with, would you have, maybe, would you have maybe asked me to stay?”
“Why would I dothat?” She didn’t know if it was the actual words or the incredulity of his expression that hurt most, but that lash across her heart was deep.
“I don’t know?! Maybe because we’re in love.”Stay steady,she said to herself.It doesn’t have to be this dramatic.
“Be serious, Tori. Why would you leave your life behind? Not for me, I’m sure. You know my condition.”
“What about your condition?” she asked. The vehemence behind her question surprised both of them. There was no turning back now. She plowed on. “People with far more challenges manage to be together. There are sacrifices in every relationship and I guess I didn’t see living with a hot, sexy chef in a charming French village as a sacrifice at all.”
“What if it’s a sacrifice for me?”
He might as well have slammed a door in her face, the shock of his words raised a concrete barrier between them. Was she this clueless about how he felt?
“You mean it’s a sacrifice for you to be with me beyond these few weeks?” It wasn’t a question so much as a realization. A bitter chuckle oozed through her words. “If so, what was there to talk about after all? How to schedule a sporadic fling? Were you going to work around my vacation days, Rafael? What a considerate arrangement.”
Sarcasm came naturally to her. There was nothing natural about her words today, though. They were the evidence of pain coming out, short of ripping her chest open. A throbbing started behind her eyes. She walked across the room to look out the window so only the garden outside would witness her frustrated features.
When she thought about her love for Rafael, it felt like the beginning of something special. But for him? It sounded like his expression of love was only possible because they were at the end of the affair.
“No, Tori. Of course not. But being withme? You can’t truly want that. And knowing what you would be giving up, I can barely stand the thought. One of these days my body will fail me. Maybe sporadically but, ultimately, you can’t live your life with an invalid.”
She began pacing but stumbled midstride at his words. “Invalid? You have an illness. Something I’m willing to face with you because…because I love you.”
“I love you too,mon ange. Being with you these last few weeks? You’ve made me happy in ways I didn’t think was possible.” His voice was pleading, yet there was something hard behind his eyes.
“But?” she ventured.
“But what you want today isn’t what you’ll want tomorrow. Knowing that one day you would see how wrong I am for you? What then? I would never ask you to face such an uncertain future. EvenIcan hardly think of facing it.”
Her spine stiffened. “I’m a grown woman. Don’t tell me what I’m willing to face. And don’t tell me that I don’t know my own heart.”
He took a deep, labored breath. “What you feel here, they are—how do I say this—under certain conditions.”
“Conditions?”
“Vacation, serendipity, freedom. All those things you went to France for! But these aren’t real life. You’ll see. When you return to your life in DC…” He drifted off, eyes set over her shoulder.
“What. Say it.” Wrapping her arms around her torso, Tori grabbed her elbows to keep herself together.
“When you return to your life in DC, things will be clearer. And you’ll be more certain. It is hard for me to trust what you’re saying right now. Maybe…maybe if you return and still want to be with me after. Perhaps when you’re absolutely sure—”
“Let me get this straight,” she interrupted with a seething tone. Her chin trembled but she rallied with a clear voice. “You want to let me go. No, you want topush me away. AndifI come back,thenyou’ll take me?!”
“Wait—”
“That doesn’t sound like someone who wants me at all.”
“I have my reasons. Please understand.” He slumped against the door frame, looking defeated.
“I know you have your reasons, Rafael. You’re struggling with a condition that requires time and patience and effort. Allison broke your heart because she didn’t want to face that future. But I do. I’m not her. I shouldn’t have to pay for her betrayal.” Tears spilled. She was too devastated to stop them. “This plan—to send me away so I can prove I love you? It isn’t a solution. It’s just making me feel like I have to prove myself to you. I want to love you, notprovethat I love you!”
