Page 28 of Peak of Love
She didn’t frequently see Dane in business attire, since their interactions usually entailed casual hangouts with the twins. On a Friday night, though, with his well-tailored wool pants and still-crisp buttoned shirt, Celina got a glimpse of the impressive businessman known to have shaped the future of real estate in the Northwest.
Meanwhile, she was barefoot, leaning on the kitchen counter and going through a stack of mail. Straightening up, she squared her shoulders. “Thank you. I’m glad you convinced me to get new clothes. I’m not sure I ever thanked you properly.” She blushed at the thought of what had happened after shopping and brunch.
He exhaled in exasperation. It seemed he was still pissed about her paying into his account. “No need to thank me. You wouldn’t let me get it for you, after all,” he grumbled.
“What’s this about going to the restaurant tomorrow?” Celina sat on the living room’s sectional sofa. Dane glanced at her thighs when she tucked her feet under her hips. It was a fleeting look and yet her body reacted, awakened by his attention.
“They felt left out, so I offered to take them.”
“Left out?” she asked, alarmed. “They said that?”
“No! No, they didn’t say that,” he assured her.
“Well? What exactly did they say?”
Dane stepped closer and spoke cautiously. “That you go to new restaurants on Fridays.”
“I went outtwice!”
Celina was upset because she felt guilty for going, and guilty for feeling guilty about going. It was ridiculous and so, so pointless.
“Next time you make plans with them, run them by me, please.” She didn’t mean to sound like a jerk but she was irritated. She felt fatigue mingle with unease, creating a toxic combination that might very well turn to frustration. It was time to be alone.
“I’m sorry, Celina. I didn’t mean to overstep with the boys.”
With narrowed eyes, she spoke, “You overstepped alright. Though not with the boys. I can’t believe what you did tonight. Spying on me? Sneaking into the bathroom? What the hell were you even thinking?!”
She shook her head in disappointment. “You can let yourself out, Dane. Since you’re so comfortable letting yourself in.”Crap, that went too far. Celina bit her lip because he didn’t deserve to be the punching bag for her frustrations.
“Dane, I, um, I don’t mean to sound like a jerk. Sorry. I’m just tired.” And confused. And guilty. And tired. She meant to pass him on her way to the stairs. Dane halted her by putting his forearm across her waist.
Leaning closer, Dane whispered against her ear, “I’m sorry that I let myself in without an explicit invitation and made plans with the boys without running them by you. Both of those things will never happen again.”
She looked up at him, surprised by his tortured features. Before she could speak, Dane continued. “I’m going to be honest, Celina. I’m not sure there was anything that could have kept me away from seeing you tonight. If only to confirm that Ben is nowhere near good enough for you. Maybe Ishouldbe sorry for messing up your date. But I’m not.” He stated the last sentence with a dogged defiance she didn’t expect.
She looked down at his arm and tried really hard not to lean on his hard chest. As if he could feel her struggle, Dane put his other arm around her shoulder. She slumped into the sideways hug.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Dane. I agreed to meet Ben because he was the first person who actually seemed interesting. I suck at online interactions. Everything feels so fake. So… packaged.
“When I try to do better, to findbalanceor whatever it is I’m supposed to want, it feels like I’m failing my boys. They’re all I have. Maybe I should just give up and focus on parenting. I don’t want to mess up, Dane. They’re all I have, and I don’t want to fail them.” As she spoke, she tried to sound resolute. Emotion could wait; conviction couldn’t.
“They aren’t all you have, Celina.” Comforting assurances fell warm against her ear, and Dane’s arms remained firm around her body. “Your sisters would do anything for you. Your parents visit every chance they can. Asher’s parents aren’t too far. They come around, don’t they?”
Part of why she stayed in the area was to be close to Parker and Grace Whittaker, Asher’s parents. They had never been the same since he died. Grief characterized their every waking moment. Yet Celina intertwined their lives with the boys’ as much as possible because she knew that’s what Asher would have wanted.
Unfortunately, if Jerome and Jonas were a blessing to her, they were a painful reminder to her parents-in-law. She saw how hard it was for Grace to keep from bursting into tears at any mention or reminder of Asher. Impossible to avoid those reminders when so many of Asher’s facial expressions or quirky mannerisms were naturally and unconsciously replicated by the twins. Grace cried and Parker maintained a strained formality.
Celina understood the impulse. It was only three years since their child died, after all. A blink in the life of parents who had dedicated their entire existence to their charming, talented, and beautiful son.
Losing you changed all of us, Asher. You brought so much joy to so many people, and now we carry loss like a constant shroud. Even being with family hurts. Even being comforted can be painful.
The last thought was inspired by her conflicted reactions to Dane. She cringed at his assurances that she was doing a good job raising the twins.
It didn’t matter that Celina tried to look like she knew what she was doing. The truth was, she felt alone in the large ocean of parenting. Barely keeping her head above the surging uncertainties of constant change. Often feeling like she was battling the tides of her own inadequacies. Sometimes drowning.
Asher would have known how to comfort Jonas when he didn’t make the tennis team. Asher could easily cheer Jerome out of his darker moods. Asher would have kept her from drowning.
All through her winding thoughts, Dane stayed silent and watched intently. She nodded to indicate that yes, she valued her sisters, her family, her community. It was as if her slight movement propelled him further.
