Page 43 of His to Explore
“I do.” His dark eyes lock on mine and the emotion I see there takes my breath away. “I let my own feelings get in the way of what you said you needed from me. I was supposed to be helping you experiment, not pushing you for something you didn’t want.” He takes a deep breath, and I just know I’m going to hate whatever comes out of his mouth next.
“I need to end our arrangement.”
It takes a moment for the words to sink in. “You…what?”
“I can’t keep doing what we were doing before that conversation at the restaurant.” He shrugs a little, his expression helpless. “I love you too much to go back to what we were before, and I love you too much to try and force you into what we’ve been doing since.”
I feel like I can’t catch my breath. I’m confused and I’m overwhelmed—did he just say he loves me?—and I’m hurt. Butthere’s something else there too, some huge emotion crashing down on me that feels too big to even identify.
Grant pushes some hair out of my face, his touch so gentle. “I refuse to pressure you, Kensie. I’m not going to manipulate you or push you into something you aren’t ready for.” His tone hardens. “But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I’ll never give up on you.”
“I…I don’t understand.” My words come out a broken gasp. “Didn’t you just end us?”
“I’m going to give you space,” he says. “I know that you’re still healing from what that asshole did. I know you aren’t ready for what I want. So I’ll give you the space you need.” His eyes flash. “But I’m going to come back, Kensie. I’m always going to come back to see if you’re ready for me.” He runs a finger under my eye to collect the tears that have started to spill over. “I have to believe that someday, you’ll tell me you’re ready. Because we’re meant to be, baby. I know we are.”
The tears come faster, coursing down my cheeks. That feeling I hadn’t been able to identify before is crashing over me and I finally see it for what it is—fear. But it’s a fear far greater than anything else I felt tonight. Maybe greater than any fear I’ve ever experienced.
I’m terrified to lose him.
“I was afraid of the wrong thing,” I whisper, realizing the truth. “All this time I’ve been afraid of getting too close but that’s not the scary part. Not at all.”
“Kensie?” Concern and confusion lace his voice. He doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Of course he doesn’t—I’ve just figured it out myself.
“I love you,” I blurt out. “I think I’ve loved you this whole time. And I’m fucking terrified.”
I can see the utter shock on his face and I’m pretty sure he’s stopped breathing. This time I take his face in mine, bringinghim close. “I’m afraid, Grant, because love hasn’t been kind to me. I’m afraid because this feeling is so much bigger than anything I’ve ever experienced. But mostly I’m afraid that I might lose you.” I close my eyes, letting the truth wash over me. “I don’t ever, ever want to lose you.”
“Kensie.” His voice is ragged with emotion. Disbelieving and hopeful at the same time. “Are you saying?—”
“You don’t have to push me for more, Grant. Iwantmore. I want everything.” I shake my head, more tears falling, but they’re not sad, not anymore. “I want you.”
His lips are on mine before the last word is fully out of my mouth. I melt into his arms, relief hitting me so hard I can’t hold myself up anymore. He’s here and he loves me and I’m safe. With him, I’m always safe.
“I’m probably going to mess this up,” I say against his lips because he refuses to let me go any farther. “I know I’m going to get scared again and I’ll probably freak out.”
“You’re allowed to freak out,” he says in between kisses. “Just promise you’ll always let me back in when the freak out is over.”
I laugh, feeling lighter than I have in ages. “I promise.”
“I love you,” he mutters, kissing me again, over and over. “God, Kensie, I love you so much.”
“I love you too.”
He finally pulls back, cradling my cheeks, those dark eyes darting around my face like he’s trying to read every thought I’ve ever had. “I promise that I’ll always take care of you. When you’re scared, when you’re not scared. You’re safe with me, no matter what.”
“I know,” I say easily, because there isn’t a doubt in my mind. Grant will take care of me, just the way he always has. I can trust him. Idotrust him. “I’ve finally realized that my trust is bigger than all my fears,” I whisper, and the smile he gives me is so breathtakingly beautiful I have to pull him in for another kiss.
And I don’t let go for a long, long time.
EPILOGUE
KENSIE
The room feels hot, oppressive. Sweat coats every inch of my skin, dampening my hair and mixing with the tears on my cheeks. The dim red light heightens the atmosphere—heavy, tension filled.
Above all else,frustrated.
Grant’s breath is hot against my skin as he leans down to whisper in my ear. “You’re doing so well.”
