Page 49 of Decked, Wrecked and Pucked
Addie’s midnight blues are glassy with unshed tears, and in that moment, every wall I’ve built between us feels paper-thin. I feel myself slipping, ready to drop everything just to hold her together.
“I can’t…” She looks away, but I watch as a single tear escapes and tracks down her cheek before she can swipe it away. “I can’t keep living with you hating me the way you do. It hurts me, Roman.”
All the resentment I’ve been clinging to—the thing I thought was keeping me safe—suddenly feels like it’s choking me instead. The despair in her voice, the heartbreak etched on her face… it guts me in a way nothing else ever has.
“I don’t hate you, princess.”
She lets out a bitter little laugh. “Liar.”
“I don’t,” I repeat, shaking my head as if that’ll somehow make her believe it. “I wish I could.”
“Really? Because nothing you could ever do would make me want to hate you.”
“I didn’t break you, Addison. That’s the difference. I would’ve given it all up for you.” She looks at me, her eyes narrowing like she wants to argue, but I don’t let up. “Don’t look at me like Iwouldn’t have. You know I would. I would’ve walked away from the team, from the season, from all of it if it meant keeping you, and you ripped my fucking heart out instead.”
Her arms wrap around herself as her shoulders curl in. “If we’d stayed together after my dad found out, you would’ve ended up off the team. I couldn’t live with that, and if I hadn’t done it, you wouldn’t have what you do now. You wouldn’t have Zeke and Jasper; you wouldn’t have the NHL. I’m not trying to justify hurting you. I’m not saying it didn’t kill me, too, but I believed you were meant for so much more. If I had to lose you to make sure you got it all… then I did what I had to do.”
Tears spill over now, one after the other. “I loved you. Jesus, I loved you so much, and I’m sorry, Roman. I’m so fucking sorry I ever hurt you. For me, it was a mistake, one I’ve been living with every day since, but it was the best thing I could’ve done for you. I see how you love them, and it kills me as much as I love it because I’m jealous. You used to look at me like that. You used to touch me like you touch them, and I destroyed it. And before you leave, before I never see you again—because I know this is it, that this is all we’ve got—I just need you to know I’ve hated myself every single day for what I did to us.”
A sob catches in her throat, tears spilling faster, and that’s it. I’m done. I can’t stand here and watch her break for another second. My pride, my anger, all my bullshit—none of it matters. I’m not that guy.
I step forward and wrap my arms around her, pulling her in like I’ve been waiting years to do it one more time. She’s so small in my hold, fragile in a way that makes every old instinct to protect her flare up.
“Please don’t cry,” I whisper, burying my face in her hair. “You know it kills me.”
She clings to me, hesitant at first, like she’s afraid I’ll push heraway, but I don’t let go. I can’t, not when she’s hurting. Right now, it isn’t about our history or heartbreak. It’s about being human and holding someone when the world feels too heavy.
“I only want one thing from you, Addie.”
She tilts her face into my chest, her voice muffled. “What?”
“Be careful with Zeke and Jasper. They’re not ready to lose you. They’re not ready for whatever goodbye you think is coming.”
She looks up at me then, her eyes swollen and red. “But you are?”
“It’s just the way it is. What are you going to do, pack up your life and come to Boston?” I cup her face in my hands, her palms pressed to my ribs, holding on like we’re both afraid to let go. “If that’s a life you could see, then you need to tell me right now.”
“Of course I could, but it’s not that simple.” Her lip quivers, and a tear slips down, catching on my thumb as I hold her still. “I just want to be happy, Roman. I’m so tired of feeling alone.”
“How long have you felt alone?”
“Since the day I lost you,” she whispers. “It got worse when you all left after college. I thought I could move on. I told myself I had to, but something’s been missing ever since, and nothing’s ever really filled the space where you all were.”
My gaze drops to her mouth, back up to her eyes, then down again—caught in this pull I’ve been trying to resist since the second we walked into her bookshop. I lean in, closer, close enough to feel her breath stutter, and suddenly her lips part, and my name falls from her.
“Roman…”
God, she says it like I’m still hers.
My eyes close, and I force myself to pull back.
“I can’t, princess,” I say, my hands still cradling her face. “I can’t kiss you unless it’s forever.”
My lips brush her forehead, and I feel her tense before I let hergo. I walk away, every step heavier than the last, leaving her standing there holding all the pieces of my heart that never stopped belonging to her.
I slip back into bed and reach for Zeke. My fingers brush over the bare skin of his back, searching for something solid to keep me from spiraling, and for a moment, I just let myself breathe.
Seconds later, I hear the bedroom door creak open.
