Page 37 of Fun and Games
We hung up. I set the phone down on the coffee table. I stared at it.
David's mom had something for me.
Just before I'd left, I'd taken the last few items of any importance to me and told her to do whatever she wanted with the rest.
What else could she have found that she thought I might want?
I stood from the sofa and went to the bedroom. The guy who owned the place had a grey-and-brown themed bedroom, making the room feel a bit like a bear's cave. I went to the closet where I'd hung up my things. I knelt down and crawled toward the back to grab my empty suitcase. I dragged it out and let it sit in the middle of the bedroom.
I stared at the large front pocket. Then I unzipped it and took out a thin rectangle box. It was decorated with hand-drawn flowers and hearts. When I was a girl I used to hide my precious keepsakes in there. Clippings from magazines, my favorite sparkly gel pens, interesting coins or rocks.
There was none of that childish memorabilia in there now.
I opened the lid and set it aside, revealing the contents.
One hundred pieces of folded up paper, squared off and tightly tucked around themselves. Some were from scraps of lined school paper. Some were Post-its. Some were from pads of patterned stationery in all varieties of colors and designs.
I didn't need to open up any of the folded up squares to know exactly what each paper had written on it. I'd long since memorized every single one.
Bucket List #6: Visit the pyramids
Bucket List #22: Ice skate on the Rideau Canal
Bucket List #31: Go diving in the Caribbean
Those were the more innocent ones. The ones from before. The ones that didn't —quite— rip my heart out of my chest.
Then there were the other ones.
Bucket List #83: Go on a romantic gondola ride in Venice
Bucket List #89: Watch the sun set together on a mountain peak
Bucket List #95: Kiss at the top of the Eiffel tower
Tears gathered along my lash lines as I sifted through the notes. David's plans for us. Every idea that popped into his head, he'd scribble down and place in my school notebook, or hide in my purse, or tape to the bathroom mirror. They were the plans he'd started leaving for me back in high school. The ones he'd continued leaving for me after he'd gotten sick.
Including the last one. The last dream he'd ever had.
Bucket List #100: Spend the rest of my life with you
My jaw trembled with the effort it took not to sob out loud. I pressed my lips together and took shuddering breaths through my nose. I let the tears fall down my cheeks without bothering to wipe them away. Droplets fell into the box and onto a few of the notes. It wasn't the first time they'd been stained by my tears. It no doubt wouldn't be the last.
I sat there, stroking each folded square in turn, until the aching in my heart eased and the flow of tears subsided. I rubbed at my chest, as if that would make the ache go away faster.
I knew by now that nothing but time would help heal that pain.
It had been almost three years since David had died. I'd been trying to work through my grief. Through that pain. I'd tried to move on. I could get through entire days without thinking of him. I could make it entire weeks without crying. I hadn't had nightmares in months.
But always, somewhere in the back of my mind, the grief was there. The regret. Waiting. Watching. Looking for any opportunity to spring forth and consume me from the inside out.
The broken pieces of my heart were still sharp and raw. I wasn't healed yet. Maybe I wouldn't ever be.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and put the lid back on the box. I tucked it back inside the suitcase pocket and slid the suitcase back inside the closet.
I went to the bathroom to splash water on my face. I avoided looking in the mirror, not wanting to see my splotchy cheeks and bloodshot eyes.
I went back into the living room, grabbed my phone and sent a text.
