Page 37 of Hard Rock Muse
I motioned for Walt and whispered to him. He nodded and went to the back. When he returned, he gave me a small little notebook, a pen and a lighter. I stuffed them in my pocket.
Julian took my hand as I hopped off the stool. His strong fingers pressed against mine. I wanted to snatch my hand away, but didn’t. I let him lead me out of the bar and out the back of the building to a fire escape that looked like it had been built over a century ago.
“We’re really doing this?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
Julian grabbed onto the metal handrail and started climbing. “You coming?”
I followed him up the rickety steps that rattled and swayed.
“We’re going to die,” I muttered.
But we made it up there easily. The building was only two stories tall.
“So what’s the deal?” Julian asked when we were finally on the roof, looking out over the city. The bright lights winked like little stars, the full moon high above us, illuminating Julian’s pale face.
I took the little notebook from my pocket, tore out a piece of paper and handed it to Julian.
“I’m going to give you instructions,” I told him. “You can take as long as you need, but you’re not leaving this roof until you do as I say.”
“Kinky,” he said.
I swatted his chest. “No jokes. This is serious.”
Julian’s face turned somber.
“Here’s what we’re going to do.” I’d been thinking of this activity for a while, ever since our word association game. I’d been trying to come up with more games that would help Julian learn to express his emotions, that would allow him to finally open up.
“You’re going to write something on this paper,” I told him. “It’s only for you.” I brandished the cigarette lighter I’d taken out of my pocket. “No one else is going to see it, because we’re going to burn it after.”
“Dramatic.”
“I want you to be completely truthful with yourself,” I said. “No hiding behind that impassive facade you put up. No one else is ever going to see this, so you can put down whatever you want.”
“And what exactly is that supposed to be?”
“What are you feeling right now?”
He looked taken aback.
“Um. Cold?” he said. “It’s late at night and sort of breezy up here.”
“First of all, you’re not supposed to tell me,” I said. “Secondly, that’s not what I mean, and you know it.”
Julian lips twisted, perturbed. “This is one of thoseget in touch with your feelingsthings.”
“Yes.”
He looked down at the piece of paper as if it weighed a hundred pounds, as if it were dragging him down.
“Only if you do it with me.” He flicked his gaze to mine, the neon lights of the city making his dark eyes shine. “You have to write down something, too.”
“Fine.” I tore out a piece of paper for myself and put pen to paper.
“No,” he interrupted. “I don’t want you just writing down that you’re annoyed or tired or whatever. I want you to write down what you’re really feeling right now, deep down inside.”
I paused, staring at him.
“You can take as long as you like,” he said with a careful smile.
