Page 47 of Love Heals
But once he'd punished me, I would be forgiven. Maybe I could talk then? Explain why I did, what I'd done? That I'd only wanted to help Crimson, that I'd promised him my friendship, that I'd never...
No, that wasn't true.
There had been times when I'd wanted to hurt Nicolai.
I found the old anger again, still hot. Like a pot of water that had been left to simmer on the stove, ready to boil again at any moment. I thought I'd let go of it long ago, that all the heat had left me, but maybe not. Out of instinct, I bit my lower lip, trying to turn my thoughts somewhere else.
Only, it wasn't instinct, was it? It was learned behavior, and that thought made me angry all over again.
Getting angry never helped you, that annoying voice in my head chimed in.You were happier when you submitted to your sire.
But that was only because I’d had no other choice, wasn’t it? Because I didn’t want to be in pain…
Involuntarily, I thought back to my first days as a vampire. Usually, I found it hard to recall them. Tonight, though, my memory seemed oddly sharp.
I'd woken up confused. Nicolai had been there. He'd fed me. I'd been grateful, at first. For someone to tell me what to do, to guide me. It hadn't occurred to me that this was the man who was responsible for my plight. Not at first.
Things changed pretty quickly. Nicolai had demanded complete obedience. I hadn't been willing to give it.
He'd taught me better than that.
He'd starve me. Sometimes for weeks at a time. Sometimes long enough that I'd start begging even for animal blood.
Bile rose in the back of my throat, recalling that particular memory—and the one that followed. My sire had honored my request for animal blood. He'd honored itgladly.He'd given me more than I'd wanted, even.
What I was most disgusted with, though, was myself. Because I also remembered the way I'd clung to him after, when he'd offered me comfort.
That was just the thing with Nicolai. He delighted in making me crash, but no matter how many pieces I shattered into, he would put me back together again, and every time he did it, I would come out just a little bit different, until I was exactly what he wanted me to be.
I bit back a sob as well as the desire to throw up.
No, I’d never had a choice at all.
It just felt better when I thought that I did.
For as long as I could tell myself that I did what I’d done out of love, out of loyalty… For as long as I could tell myself that there’d been some kind ofmeaningto my suffering… everything was bearable.
What would I do when I lost that?
Next to me, oblivious to my thoughts, Jared was still writing. I studied his handsome features in the moonlight. The strong line of his jaw, his fine stubble on his chin, his dark eyes.
I wanted to kiss him. I didn't want to be a slave to a man who wasn't even here anymore.
My eyes found the piece of paper in my lap again.
Fuck everything you ever taught me,I wrote, in capital letters. I ended the sentence with an exclamation mark, pressing the pen into the paper so violently I nearly tore a hole into it. My eyes burned as I crumpled the piece of paper into a ball in my hand. Then I tossed it away.
Nicolai didn't deserve some sentimental farewell ceremony from me. This was something Jared did for the family he'd lost. Whatever had happened between me and my sire, it didn't compare to that. It wasn't pure like that. I wasn't going to spoil it with my misguided grief.
Jared was looking at me. He didn't say a word, but the question he didn't ask was written all over his face.
"I'm fine," I lied, then I got up. "I'm going to check on the dog."
Jared nodded.
I was glad that he didn't try to stop me. I was even gladder that Drizzit came to me when I whistled. He carried something in his mouth. A piece of bark. I knelt down to stroke his fur as he presented me with his treasure.
At least one of us was having a good day.
