Page 65 of Love Heals
"It's..." I stopped and exhaled, struggling to come up with a way to explain this to him. How could I, when I hardly even understood this myself. Why was I clinging to the memory of someone who'd mistreated me for years? Why was I giving it power over me? "I'm all messed up."
Jared glanced down at my crotch. "But you want this."
I exhaled, glancing aside. "It doesn't matter what I want. I can't even touch myself." I hadn't meant to admit that part, it had just come out—and so what if Jared knew? If he wanted to be with me, he deserved to know what he was getting into.
Jared looked down my body, contemplating the situation for a long moment. The silence felt heavy between us, made it difficult for me to draw a breath.
"You can't touch yourself, and I can't touch you, but you can touch me?" Jared asked, as if making sure.
"Don't ask me to explain. That's just the way it is."
"I'm not asking you to explain. I'm figuring out how to work around this."
I met his gaze again. His expression seemed earnest. And he was still into me. I could sense it in the air, his arousal, the way he wanted me. In spite of everything, he still wanted me.
And then the next thing he said took the air right out of my lungs again.
"You should fuck me."
"What?"
"We can both get what we want that way."
"But..." I started, then stopped, needing to get all the thoughts in my head in the right order before I could voice them. "Have you ever even done this before?"
"Everybody has to start at some point," he said as if it were no big deal. I eyed him up and down. He didn't look like someone who'd like to be on the bottom, and I'd never imagined that I would top him, but then... maybe I shouldn't judge so quickly. I had a feeling, the faintest whisper of a memory, that I'd often misjudged what clients might want based on the way they looked.
Jesus, I really shouldn't think of Jared as a client.
"It might hurt," I said. "Especially if it's your first time, I—"
"I can take it," Jared cut me off. There was something dark in his eyes. Was that lust? The moment I recognized it, it slammed into me. I would never have guessed it, but Jared was gettingeven more arousedat the thought of taking my dick up his ass. It was hard to believe, but there was no mistaking the way the air seemed to crackle between him and me, the electric buzz running down my skin as he looked at me.
"You really mean it..."
"I never say things I don't mean."
So far, that had been true. Jared had never given me a reason to doubt his words. "We're going to need lube," I said, "if we're really doing this."
"You think I would have fucked you without?" Jared moved to the bedside table and got a small bottle of lube out of the drawer. I wondered when he'd deposited it there. Who he'd thought of when he'd bought it. Had it always been me?
Had he ever jerked off thinking of me?
I kind of hoped he had.
My cock grew hard all over again, imagining Jared in his bed by himself, his dick in his hand, pumping himself to thoughts of me.
I took the lube from him.
"How do you want me?" he asked.
For a moment, I was lost for words. So many options to choose from. So many positions I could picture Jared in, and he would have looked breathtaking in all of them. Saliva gathered in my mouth. Desire pulsed through me.
There was a chance now that I might actually get off.
If Jared didn't change his mind, if I could make this good for him... But I was a professional, wasn't I? I had been, at least, in another life-time. "On your back," I said, trying to sound as assertive, as confident, as I could. This was sex. I knew sex. "Spread your legs."
Jared did as he was told, spreading beautifully for me.
