Page 21 of Love Heals
"Tell me something," Jared said, bringing my attention back to his lips. "Did you love your sire?"
And just like that, he shattered the fragile sense of calm I'd constructed for myself over the last couple of minutes. "Of course I did," I snapped. "He was mysire." I glared at Jared, though I knew there was no way he would get it. No mortal could.
"Would you have loved him if he wasn't?"
What kind of question was that? "What does it matter?" I asked out loud. "He was my sire." And he wasn't the bad person everyone here made him out to be. He'd rescued me from the streets and fed me his own blood for days. So what if he wasn't always easy to deal with? As long as I played by his rules, he took good care of me. He'd been more than my family, he'd been my savior!
And I'd helped his killers.
And now here I was trying to come on to one of them.
I really was a piece of scum, wasn't I?
Nicolai had been right. I really did need someone to keep me in line. If I wasn't on a leash, every man in the world would have their way with me. It was thanks to him that I'd only had to focus on one master, but I'd messed even that up.
"Silas." Jared's tone was concerned, and I noticed that my hands were shaking again. Shit. Why did I have to be this weak? "It's okay," Jared said. "You're safe."
Why didn't he understand that it wasn't my safety I was concerned about? I wasn't scared. I was disgusted with myself.
"What your sire did to you was wrong," Jared said.
"What do you know?" I bit out. "You're not a vampire. You can't judge us."
"I may not be a vampire, but I care about you." He said that so calmly I kind of wanted to kick him. How could he justsaysomething like that when he didn't even know me? When he didn't even understand the magnitude of the crime I'd committed.
"Nicolai cared about me," I spat back. "And I got him killed. I loved him, and I got him killed." I tried to move off Jared's lap, but his hands settled on my hips before I could, keeping me in place. "Let me go," I demanded, but he didn't. "You said you wouldn't touch me unless I wanted you to."
Still, Jared held on to me. The weirdest thing was that I felt absolutely no desire fueling these actions. He wasn't keeping me in place because he wanted to fuck me or kiss me or whatever. But then, what was it? I stared daggers at him, trying to read his intentions, but even though I could see perfectly well in the dark, Jared's face revealed nothing to me. Nothing but maybe a hint of pity. No, not pity. It was less sharp than that, but I struggled to place the emotion.
"You didn't get anyone killed," Jared said, still in that calm tone of voice that I was beginning to hate. "You're not responsible for what happened in that basement. You saved my little brother. It was an act of kindness. Don’t punish yourself over it."
I grimaced. If my sire were still alive, I wouldn't have to punish myself. Distractedly, I wondered—not for the first time—how exactly Nicolai would punish me for this if he were still alive. The dream came back to me, making my hackles rise. God, I hated that whip. I never knew what was worse, that or the animal blood. Sometimes, my sire made me choose. I only chose the blood if the crime was really bad, though, because it would mean a high dosage. Sometimes high enough to make me pass out. That was better than the pain from the whip. The animal blood was terrible in other ways, but at least my sire always took care of me when I was too out of it to take care of myself.
I wondered how much he would have made me drink for this.
I also wondered if they had any animal blood in this house. Maybe not. Maybe once I escaped, I should go live in the wilderness for a couple of months. Feed on the critters in the woods to atone for my sins.
"Silas," Jared said again, and I realized that I'd spaced out on him when he tipped my chin up so I would look at him. "I know it's not what you want to hear right now, but I'm going to make sure that no one ever hurts you again, understood?"
Nicolai had made me a similar promise once. He'd told me that he was the only one who would ever hurt me again, because no one else had the right. I had no idea what Jared was basinghispromise on. He was a mere mortal. Even if I'd wanted his protection, how could he have offered it? There was no way Jared could shield me from anything, and yet, the look in his eyes was so sincere, so full of determination, that I couldn't help but believe him.
I didn't understand why he cared so much, but I understood that he did.
Again, I closed my eyes and extended my senses toward him, but didn't find my answer there.His attraction for me was still tangible, yes, but it wasn't pulsating wildly or trying to swallow me whole. It was just as calm as Jared's demeanor, and something about that thought pissed me off so hard that I couldn't help but act.
My sire told me this was my worst trait. My lack of impulse control. That I couldn't watch someone build a house of cards without wanting to topple it over. Well, Jared and his immaculate calmness were a sky high house of cards, and I wanted to be the storm that knocked him down.
All the way down to my level.
Without another thought, I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pressed our lips together. Almost instantly, his attraction grew from a spark to a flame, his passion igniting like a patch of dry grass that someone dropped a match on. My lips lingered on his. A beat passed, and then another as I let the heat coming off him wash over me. Jared didn't move, didn't act on his urges. Deep down, I wasn't surprised by that, but I was frustrated. How could he be feeling all that, and not act on it? What kind of superhuman was he?
Even if I used my magic to fan the flames higher, I got the feeling it wouldn't do me any good. Not now that he was prepared for it. Jared wasn't the kind of man I could fool twice.
I leaned back, breaking the kiss I'd initiated. The kiss that had fallen completely flat. Exhaling, I let my head hang low. What had I even tried to do here? Jared wasn't a house of cards for me to knock over. He was so much more solid than that.
Oddly, that only made me want him more.
Nicolai had been solid too, but in other ways. The thought of my sire made me clench my teeth together. I looked up at Jared again, if only to distract myself. He held my gaze. "You don't have to kiss me," he said.
