Page 23 of Just Like in the Movies
“I know,” I whispered. “Like I said, I was scared. Scared that if I saw you, I’d throw it all over for what we had. Scared that I’d try to bring you back with me and fuck up both my career and us.” I looked up at the sky, the clouds blurring as tears filled my eyes. “Terrified that I might somehow keep my career, and screw up whatever we had. That I’d lose you to someone who’d hurt you and I’d have to stand by and watch.”
“You really thought that little of me? That I was that easy? Or weak?” he said. His voice was small and broken sounding. That was my fault. I’d done that to him.
“No.No.”
He jumped to his feet, nearly tripping over the bench as he started to stumble away. “Shut up. Just shut up and leave me alone.”
“No, wait!” I scrambled around the end of the table, knocking over Lew’s coffee. It seemed a bit allegorical at the moment—the things I did ruining the things he had. “Lew!”
He spun, eyes wide and mouth twisted with emotion. “What? Do you have more horrible things to say?”
“Yes!” Not about him though. “I was stupid. I regret every moment of it. I didn’t think you were weak.” I reached for him and he flinched away from me.
“Bullshit!” he spat and turned toward the cars.
“Lew! I thoughtIwas weak.” I ran after him, “Please, let me explain.” Grovel. I needed to grovel some more. “It wasn’t you, it was me.”
“That’s what they all say.”
I reached for his arm and he shook me off.
“Don’t you touch me!”
We’d gotten to the cars now and Lew began digging in his pocket for his keys.
I tried to step between him and the car but he shoved me away so hard I nearly fell. “Lew, please, listen to me. Just a little longer. Please?”
He ignored me, but his hands were shaking so badly he dropped the keys before he could unlock the car. “Why? So you can make yourself feel better?” He whirled on me, once again my fierce Llewellyn.
I shook my head and fell to one knee. “So I can beg for your forgiveness. Please, Lew, I’d give anything to make this right. What can I do?”
He crouched in front of me, tears streaming down his face. “Nothing.” He grabbed his keys up off the ground and stood up while the car beeped. His eyes never left mine as he opened the door to get in, and then he peeled out of there like the cops were after him, and left me behind like I was the last person he ever wanted to see in his life.
I’d blown it. And all I could see before me was a life of empty relationships and loneliness, without my firecracker to keep me warm. I stumbled into my car and sat staring blindly out the windshield as night fell, hoping for a burst of inspiration. But when I finally started it to go home, I still didn’t have any answers.
