Page 37 of A City of Smoke and Demons
‘No,’ Lira said gently, and Analise’s eyes flooded with tears. ‘We’ve been watching your lodging house. Your Familiar hasn’t returned, and we don’t know where he is, and that worries me. Analise, if you have a demon mark, now is the time to say.’
‘I don’t.’
Lira nodded. ‘You’re my friend, and if anything happened to you … I couldn’t live with myself. The Order is arranging somewhere else for you to go, where you won’t be alone, and you’ll be safe.’
Analise nodded numbly.
‘The thing you won’t like, though,’ Lira began, looking guilty, ‘is he’ll be there.’
‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ Analise seethed. ‘I’d rather—’
‘I know, but the place will be large enough that, if you wanted, you wouldn’t have to see him at all,’ Lira explained quickly. ‘And it won’t only be the two of you. The Order of the Dawn will be with you, alright?’
Analise didn’t really have a choice. Until a week ago, she’d never heard of the Order of the Dawn, and now, her life was in their hands. She pushed the Order from her mind. She’d tackle it later, when she could focus on something other than the horrible swooping sensation in her stomach. It felt like a flock of birds had taken up residence and were slowly shredding her insides with razor-sharp beaks.
‘You knew who he was, that night in your pub, when we … you knew.’
‘I’ve known Ezra for years,’ Lira admitted. ‘I couldn’t tell you who he was, and you have to believe that I wanted to, I truly did. I thought of a million things to say that would stop you walking out of the pub with him, but I couldn’t bring myself to say any of them.’
Analise sniffed. ‘Why not?’
‘If I’d known what would come of it, I would have.’
‘Tell him not to come up here,’ Analise warned. Lira nodded, and after she left, Analise crawled under the blankets fully clothed. She bit her lip until she was convinced she wouldn’t cry, overwhelmed with a fierce longing to return to the convent. It was her safe place, she realised suddenly, the place she was most familiar with in the world. She thought about the women she’d lived with. No one ever expected her to become a Sister. She considered it, but only briefly. Once she realised she wasn’t like anyone else, it was obvious a spiritual path wasn’t for her. Her magic made her different, and she was fiercely aware of it.The stronger it became, the more Analise distanced herself from everyone.
Death lived in her veins, and she worried she was a danger to the nuns, who cared for her so kindly. It was easier to be alone in a city full of people. Easier to be a face in a crowd and nothing more.
Human beings, Analise thought, were mass-produced things, churned out of the factories that spewed filth into the river, each one a carbon copy of the other, filled with the same base instincts and desires. It wasn’t until she bothered to interact with anyone that she began to see how wrong she was. Coming from a world where everyone was indistinguishable from the person next to them, a world of soft silence and devotion, Analise had no true experience of people and the uniqueness of them. That wasn’t to say that the nuns she grew up with were devoid of individuality. The Sisters didn’t wear their hearts on their sleeves or their emotions stamped on their faces. Serenity was as much of a mask as biting sarcasm and terrible jokes.
She drifted to sleep at some point, waking with a terrible emptiness clawing at her stomach. She was thirsty but had already decided she’d rather die from dehydration than go downstairs and risk running into Ezra.
The witch-hound.
Bitter anger sat in the back of her throat, and each time she swallowed it reminded her of what happened between them.
It reminded her of how foolish she’d been.
Analise was determined to remain where she was until Lira returned, but she was desperate for the privy, so she collected her knife and snuck to the bathroom, not bothering with a light. She relieved herself quickly and rushed back out into the hall, running headfirst into something firm, and warm.
Gasping, she leapt backwards.
Ezra had been carrying a lantern; it lay at his feet, blazing with light. He bent and set it right, but didn’t pick it up. Analise watched him as he stood, fear crawling through her. His face was shadowed, but there was enough light that she could see his throat work as he swallowed.
‘I was … it doesn’t matter,’ he said softly.
Her laugh was hollow. ‘You’re right. It doesn’t matter. You don’t matter, and I don’t know who I am angrier at—you, for your lies, or me, for being foolish enough to believe them.’
Ezra’s hair hung across his forehead; irritated, he pushed it away and at the movement, Analise shot forward, senses screaming. He was taller than she was, stronger, but it didn’t stop her shoving the blade of the knife against his throat. His eyes widened, before he backed away. She followed, only stopping when was pressed against the wall. Her other hand snaked out, caught his wrist and pinned his arm against the wall.
She could kill him, in more ways than one. It would be retribution for the terrible things he’d done, for the lives he destroyed. Even if he managed to avoid the blade, he wouldn’t be able to avoid her magic.
‘Let me explain,’ Ezra began, but she shook her head furiously, keeping her hand steady.
‘I let you in. I told you things I’ve never told anybody, and you’ve thrown that back in my face,’ Analise seethed. ‘I trusted you! You made me feel … you made me feel special. Wanted. And now I don’t feel any of those things—I feel like a fool.’
‘You are wanted.’
‘Don’t. Don’t say that. I wish I’d never met you. I wish that I’d never gone to Lira’s pub that night because then I’d never have even laid eyes on you. I can’t believe I was so fucking stupid.’
