Page 32 of Protecting Vidalia
He paused and Vidalia pictured a black-haired boy with eager brown eyes and already felt the pain of knowing he was going to die. Her throat tried to close up but she swallowed and kept still.
Finally, Jake went on. “It was hot that day in the sandbox, not a breath of fresh air to be had. We were getting a steady stream of wounded and Hamal wouldn’t stay out of the way. I yelled at him more harshly than I should have, and he left the medical tent. I didn’t know where he’d gone and didn’t have time to check on him.”
He shifted slightly in his seat and Vidalia could feel his body tense. Her lips tightened in sympathy and she took his hand quietly in hers and squeezed.
“I heard someone yelling stop outside, and calling his name, so I rushed out of the tent and found him in the middle of a crowd that had moved completely out and away from him. He was walking towards me as if he was unsure of himself because everyone was yelling at him. I could tell he was confused.
Then he pointed to the vest he had on, telling me that he had found his uncle in the desert not far from the camp and he’d given him this beautiful vest. He wanted to show the vest to his new friends before going home with his new-found relative and his uncle had approved.
“Oh my god,” Vidalia breathed.
Jake nodded his head. “Yes, he didn’t know it was a suicide vest. I told him to stand still for me and don’t move. He didn’t understand, but he was willing to do as I asked. He kept chattering to me about how wonderful his Uncle Mohammed was, and that he was going to be living with him from then on. He wanted to thank me for saving his life and to thank all the Americans for being his friend.”
Jake pinched his nose, then finally continued. “I was as shocked as anyone when the bomb tech yelled to get back and dove as far as he could away from Hamal just a second before the vest exploded.”
“Oh, Jake,” Vidalia exclaimed, tears leaking down her face.
He gripped her hand. “I couldn’t believe it,” he said, his voice croaky. “I figured the bomb tech would take the suicide button away from Hamal and that would be it, but it didn’t come with one. It was triggered remotely. Once they figured Hamal wasn’t going to do any more damage than to the bomb tech, they set it off anyway. They had obviously been hoping for more, but the vigilant guard at the gate instantly recognized what was going on. He hadn’t wanted to shoot Hamal, so he’d told him to stop.”
“T-that is so wrong,” Vidalia replied gruffly.
“I’m not telling you this for sympathy, Vidalia, I’m telling you because I know what it’s like to blame yourself. I went over it a million times in my head, it drove me crazy. If I hadn’t been so busy that day...if I hadn’t yelled at him...if I’d just gone and apologized for yelling...and a thousand more ifs,” he said wearily.
“How could you have known he would leave the camp,” Vidalia protested. “It’s not your fault, he knew he wasn’t supposed to, right?”
He stared down at her. “He knew he wasn’t supposed to, but children are unpredictable. You can’t trust them to remember to do the right things when they are upset. And they are gullible and trusting of adults. We had insurgent patients recovering in another tent. Did he talk to one of them unsupervised? Convince him his family was waiting for him and he needed to go to them? Did he go into the desert alone because I was rough on him? I’ll never know what prompted him to disobey me and the camp rules, but he did. And I felt responsible because I’d saved his life.”
“What did you do?” She asked, her heart aching for him.
“I was forced into debriefing there because I couldn’t get out of it,” he replied. “But it didn’t really help me. I spent three more months living in hell, and when my tour was up, I didn’t stay. I ran. When I got home, my dad realized what was happening to me and he got me into therapy. Against my wishes, I might add, but I went. And I worked on my cabin. And I hiked to Fairy Lake every day, sometimes twice a day.”
“Do you still blame yourself?” She whispered.
He sighed. “I suppose I’ll always blame myself for part of what happened to Hamal, but I learned to forgive myself for my part in it. Even if I hadn’t yelled at him, it still might have happened. But it took someone else guiding me through the landmines that finally helped me heal. I was like you, headed down a giant rabbit hole that was threatening to swallow me up. I couldn’t live like that.”
Vidalia was silent, absorbing the things he’d told her. She’d been running too, as fast as she could go. Perhaps it was time for her to concentrate on healing. “Can we go to Fairy Lake tomorrow for coffee and the sunrise?”
“Of course,” he replied, gazing down at her. “But if we’re going to get there by sunrise, we need to get some sleep, I know you’re exhausted. He laid back onto the pillows, pulling her down with him, then settled the blanket over them both.
Cocooned in Jake’s warm strong arms, the last thing Vidalia remembered was staring into the fire and thinking about a little brown-eyed boy laughing and running around. For the first time in weeks, she felt safe and slept without nightmares.
