Page 56 of All in December
I don’t interrupt him, just slide my arms tighter around his chest, holding him close so he knows I’m right here, listening.
“It’s embarrassing,” he admits, and I press a kiss to theback of his head, hopefully comforting him and giving him strength. “Even though I know it shouldn’t be.”
He breathes in deep and steadies himself before continuing.
“I’d never been with a man before you, like I told you, but it’s something I thought about a lot,” he starts. “My ex and I didn’t have a very active sex life, so she was okay with me watching porn. I was always drawn to videos with two guys and a girl, but only if the guys were into each other too. If they didn’t fuck, it just… didn’t do the same thing for me, and it felt like having the woman there made it okay.”
He pauses, and I stay quiet, letting him get it out.
“I always knew she was more vanilla when it came to sex, but I figured… since we were married, maybe I could finally be honest about what I wanted to try in bed, but I was wrong.”
I pull him tighter, resting my chin on his shoulder as he goes quiet again. This story is going to break my heart, I can feel it already, but I let him take his time.
“Anyway”—he exhales—“one night we were talking about trying to revive our sex life, and after working up the courage for what felt like forever, I asked her if she’d be open to pegging me, and she blew up on me. At that point, I’d only used my fingers occasionally while I jerked off, but it felt good. Really good. But her reaction was… cruel. Way more than it ever needed to be. She said horrible and hateful things to me, and it made it clear how little room there was for my desires in that relationship if they didn’t align with hers. Long story short, asking her to fuck me was the start of the end. She couldn’t get over it, and she ultimately held it over me, making me feel worse and worse with every interaction we had. I was already nervous about sharing that part of myself with someone else, about admitting how I truly felt, so her continued reaction made me question if she was right—if there was something wrong with me. And we divorced shortly after.”
“I’m so sorry, baby,” I murmur. “That’s awful. But I’m really fucking glad you got out of a marriage with someone who made you feel that way about yourself, and that we found each other, because you never have to hide what you want here. We’ll explore all of it together, safely. I’ll never judge you for what turns you on.”
He lets out a deep breath, sinking further into me as he wraps his arms around mine over his chest.
“Before, sex never felt like it does with you. Even though it’s been hard on Sam, and single-parenting isn’t a walk in the park, her walking out of our lives is the best thing that’s happened to me. Well, besides meeting you,” he admits, and I give his red cheek a quick kiss. “I didn’t realize how trapped I felt in that marriage. I had just accepted that was my life, and there’d always be a quiet part of me that wondered what it would be like to be with a man.”
I press a kiss to the side of his neck. “I understand that. I’m sorry it was so hard. You don’t have to carry any of that alone anymore.”
“Nash?” Caleb asks hesitantly.
“Hmm?”
“Can you…” he starts, voice a little shy. “Can you put your dick in me and just let me sit on you? While we’re in here? It’s something I’ve always wanted to try.”
My heart swells at how softly he asks. “Yeah, baby. Of course I can. You should still have my cum and some lube in you since we haven’t washed you yet, so I should sink right in. Just one second.”
He shifts, and I stroke myself to get hard enough to slideinto him easily. Once I’m there, I help him shift forward and sit up slightly to position himself over me. When he sinks down onto my cock, we both let out quiet, broken breaths.
His back presses against my chest again, and I hold him tighter than before, our bodies joined together. His fingers slide along my thighs, and mine rest over his heart. His body relaxes a little more, chest rising and falling in a slower rhythm.
“Is there anything else you want to explore together?” I ask, voice low against his ear. He’s so warm and tight, but I don’t want to make this about sex when I know it’s about comfort for him. “How are you feeling after tonight?”
“So much better now that you’re back inside of me.” He laughs softly. “I like the feeling of being used by you, like I’m nothing more than a hole for your pleasure. But I also love the praise mixed with the degradation. It lets me experience and give in to my desires without feeling self-conscious because I’m doing exactly what you’re telling me.”
“Mmmm,” I hum. “It turns me on too. All of it. And you’re so much more than a hole to me, even if that’s how you want me to treat you during sex.”
“I know.” He swallows. “I bought the dildo after she and I separated because I was always jealous of the bottom in the porn I was watching. Turns out, I had every right to be jealous.”
“I love filling you up the way you crave,” I murmur, sliding my hand down his back. “I do want to check, though. Do you ever want to top me?”
He shifts against me as he thinks and lets out a small sigh. “Not really. I mean… if it’s something you wanted, I’d be open to trying, of course. But what we’ve been doing feels good. I like handing control over to you and bottoming, a lot. More than I even thought I would. But if you want me to, I will.”
I press a kiss to his temple and let my hand settle over his hip.
“Nope,” I say softly. “That’s all I needed to hear.”
“How did you know you were attracted to men?” he asks, and I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me before.
“That’s a hard question because there isn’t a specific time that comes to mind for me,” I start. “I never had a ‘this is it’ moment. It never felt like I was fighting anything when I was dating women. I noticed guys, but didn’t pursue them, and when I had the opportunity to hook up with my friend from class after we’d been drinking, I jumped on it. That’s what solidified it for me.”
“Did anyone in your life care?” he asks as he shifts on my lap with another little groan.
I swallow, wanting to be honest with him without rubbing it in. “When I told my family, I was met with support, thankfully. Have you ever told yours?”
