Page 23 of Safer Together
I had to get away from him that moment, Since I am now here all alone and Elliot is no doubt on his way back to Greenwich, I won’t get the opportunity to explain to him my actions this evening. To tell him why I left him this evening. To tell him the history that Dylan and I shared. To tell him that I can’t be with him due to my inability to completely move on. To tell him that I am falling in love with him, and then it hits me, right in the chest, I have to see him again, for so many reasons.
Bzzzzzz, my cell phone rings, and it brings me abruptly out of my thoughts. I jump up from my position on the sofa and walk the way back across the lounge, through the gallery and into the kitchen, reaching the breakfast bar. I snatch my phone from its position, I’ve missed the call by the time I’ve got it in my hand.
The screen lights up at my touch and shows that there are three missed calls from Elliot. I really should let him know that I am okay, apologize for leaving him there tonight without an explanation. I wonder if he is worried? Or maybe he is mad? There are also three voicemails that have been left. I call the provider and listen to the messages; all having been left by Elliot.
Voicemail 1 - Angie, it’s Elliot. Are you ok? Call me back.
Voicemail 2 – Angie, it’s me again. Please let me know you are okay. I’m worried. If you don’t want to call me then send me a message. Please.
Voicemail 3 – Oh, Angie, I don’t know why you’re not picking up, I need to know that you are okay. I’m not sure what I’ve done wrong, but whatever it was, I’m sorry. Please let me know you are okay.
Walking back into the living room, I listen to each message several times over, feeling comfort upon hearing his voice, and horrible knowing that because of me he is no doubt feeling a number of emotions. I notice that by the third message his tone has changed. Is what could possibly be described as panic coming through?
My heart breaks, he is apologizing when he hasn’t done anything wrong. I can’t let him think that he is the reason why I ran tonight. He is worried. Looking at the screen of my phone which has now gone black, I think to myself that I really should at least tell him I’m okay and that he shouldn’t worry.
I open the message program and compose a quick text message to fire off to him.
Elliot, I don’t want to talk right now. I wanted to let you know that I’m okay, but I need some space.
Once hitting send, I place the phone screen down beside me on the sofa and return my gaze to the white lights twinkling outside. The skyline is really beautiful at night, lights are on in people’s homes, they are probably sitting at home watching a movie, snuggling up on the couch with a loved one. Some are probably having a party. Not me. Instead of any of those things, I’m sitting here all alone, moping.
The sound of a text message coming in on my phone brings me out of my silent meditation, I reach down and flip the phone so I can see a text message from Elliot:
What did I do wrong?
Reading those five little words over and over again, I feel my heart breaking into many pieces. This man thinks he has done something wrong, when in fact he did nothing but be attentive and kind all night. Not just tonight, but for the short time that we have been seeing each other. He has absolutely no reason to think that it is his fault that I ran. He doesn’t know that deep down I know that I am Safer Alone.
The risk of being in a relationship increases when there are real feelings, and when those feelings develop into love, like they have on my part, it becomes dangerous. I’ve opened up my whole self to him, even though right from the very beginning I tried my hardest not to feel anything. Telling myself that this would never go anywhere. How wrong I was.
Instead, the depths of my emotions and what I feel for this man are so incredibly strong, strong enough that I know that when Elliot decides that he has had enough, when he decides to walk away when he hurts me, I won’t be able to pick up each of the thousand pieces of my heart that will have scattered across the ground.
He doesn’t know any of this though. How could he? I have never told him that I have fallen in love with him. All he knows is that he turned around mid-conversation and realized I was no longer beside him. Instead he saw with his own eyes that I was sitting in a taxi, driving away from him without any explanation, and yet he has sent a message asking what it is he has done wrong.
My phone chimes again signaling another message has come through:
I’m currently driving around the city. Let me know where you are, and I’ll come to you. We can talk about this. Please, Angie.
I want to send him a reply telling him no, tell him to leave me alone, I don’t though.
Next, I consider ignoring his text message, switching my phone off and pretending that my phone has gone dead. I can sit here and pretend that he doesn’t care, but I can’t do that to him either; his text messages prove that he cares. He also deserves some sort of explanation. I scroll through my contact list and locate his phone number, opening the contact I see his perfect face looking up at me, that smile that only comes out every now and then, those eyes that look right into my soul, I press call.
He answers before the first ring has even finished, “Angie, I’m so happy that you called, are you okay?” His voice is unmistakably full of concern,
“I’m okay. I just needed to get away.” I can feel my voice is starting to wobble. I need to end this call shortly. Otherwise he will hear my voice crack.
“From me? You ran from me? What did I do wrong?”
There is no malice present in his voice, just concern.
“I didn’t run from you, Elliot,” pausing as the tears are now flowing. “Never mind, I’m at the San Remo. Do you know where that is?” I breathe out, lifting my fingers to brush away the tears.
“Sure do. Central Park West, I can be there in ten minutes.” Good, he can come to me.
“Okay. I’m on level twenty-five of the North tower.” I get ready to hang up just before I hear him speak once more.
“I’ll be there soon, baby,” and then the phone clicks off and I drop it to the floor. It bounces once and then settles into place. I just stare at it.
