Page 54 of Safer Alone
“Are you decent?”
I await his reply which comes quickly: “Sure am.”
I open the door and walk out, tugging the covers down before slipping into the bed and pulling up the sheets around myself. Elliot comes out of the corner of the room, having stayed beside the chest of drawers when he had changed. He lays down beside me, on top of the covers. He is wearing white cotton pajama pants and his beautiful torso is covered in a slightly fitted grey t-shirt. His triceps and biceps are beautifully muscular. Something that I hadn’t noticed before now. After all he generally wears long-sleeved business shirts or sweaters. Nothing so fitted.
I feel a breath catch in my throat and I want so badly to reach out and touch him. Surely just one squeeze of those muscles would be okay, wouldn’t it? As he settles himself onto the bed, I notice him pick up a blanket from beside the bed. He then covers himself with it and lays his head down on the pillow. He rolls onto his side, positioning himself to look at me.
“Comfy?” He asks
I roll onto my side to look at his beautiful face. “I sure am. How about you?”
He smiles at me before replying. “Yes baby. I am”
His smile is heartbreakingly beautiful.
Looking into his eyes is like looking at the ocean, so much depth there to be stared into. I wonder what will be found in the darkest, deepest depths of his soul and hope very much that I will one day find out. I want to know everything there is to know about this man. What it is that drives him? What makes him tick? What is his favorite memory from his childhood? What is his greatest dream? And of course on a more selfish level, what does he really think of me?
I’m not in a position to ask him any of these questions as yet. We have to take things slow. The feelings I already have for Mr. Elliot Sands scare me. I didn’t want to fall for him. I need to protect my heart, my body, all of me. I can’t let someone in again. Not after Dylan and yet, here I was, lying next to this man, staring into his eyes, and I knew that I didn’t want to leave tomorrow. I also know that I will be counting the days until I see him again.
Another darker thought crosses my mind, and by darker thought, I mean my ex. I don’t remember ever feeling this way about Dylan. I mean, I loved him. We were together for a long time, but I never felt the electrical current when he touched me. Nor breathless after a kiss and certainly not nervous lying next to him in a bed. I never even considered going all the way with him. I was comfortable with him for a long time, and then that comfort changed to discomfort. Not wanting to be around him at all, and in the end, fear.
I wasn’t a nun, so to speak, we had tried a few things after we had gotten engaged. I felt pressure from him after we reached that next level of our relationship. He wanted me to give him something other than kissing and holding hands. The first time we tried oral he was gentle. No pressure whatsoever, he let me take my time. Thankful that I was taking things to the next step, the next time I noticed him changing. He put his hands on my head and tried to push me further. I gagged, he apologized and we stopped. But he asked for me to try again an hour later, and then again the next day. He wanted it more often. He would take it every minute of every day if he could. And when I refused him, he would get mad. One day after a shower he forced me. I pushed so hard against his legs and punched at his arms to get him to release my head, he was furious that I didn’t want to pleasure him.
That’s when I noticed the change. He started to get violent. Coming home from work angry and taking it out on me. It started with a slap. He apologized, dropping to his knees, begging me for forgiveness. But it was only a couple of weeks later that he did it again. Then it was only a couple of days after that. We only lived together for three months and that was enough to know that it was never going to work.
I hear a voice coming from a distance at first and then, clearing my head, I realize it is Elliot.
“Hey Angie. You in there?” He waves a hand in front of my face
“Ah, yeah. Sorry about that. I was just thinking about what’s waiting for me back at work this week.”
He seems to accept this as fact. I feel bad about lying to him like that but I couldn’t very well tell him that while I was lying next to him, I was thinking about my ex, now could I?
“Yeah, the next two weeks are going to be hell,” Elliot replies.
“Why’s that?” I ask.
He looks me in the eye, accusation evident, as though I should know the answer.
“Because I won’t get to see you,” he states, as though it is just that simple. I think about that statement and appreciate what he is saying.
“You will be busy, as will I. Hopefully it will go quickly. We could Skype on the weekends?” I answer.
“Skyping. I’d like that. More often than just weekends, though.”
He pauses before continuing.
“All of my construction teams go off for their breaks as of Friday and the following week will be pretty quiet…”
He trails off. I can see a small spark in his eye though and I don’t believe it is from the bedside lamp.
“That’s good Elliot. You can tie up any loose ends before your Christmas break.”
I reach out and brush a stray lock of hair off his face.
“Very true babe.”
He speaks softly now. He reaches for my hand as I am pulling back and holds it in his. Bringing it up to his lips and kissing it gently several times and just like that my body is on fire again.
