Page 107 of The Wondrous Life and Loves of Nella Carter
“To avoid the pain of losing you when the time comes.” I pull away, and his grip loosens, but he doesn’t let me go entirely; his fingers trail over mine. Knowing how short our time is, I crave his touch, but I can’t think straight when he’s touching me.
“But that’s the deal,” he says softly. “That’s humanity. We will all lose the ones we love—either them or us. From birth, we make our way in this world. The gift is the choice of who we spend it with.”
“The curse, you mean.” I shake my head sadly. “That’s the part people miss. I’ve read books about immortality, vampires that liveforever, people who never age ... They think the worst thing is death. Death is the easy part. What they miss is the loneliness, all-consuming, that occurs as everything and everyone slips away, lost to the sands of time.”
All I can think about is the cost. I was so sure that the beauty and the goodness were worth it. I had no concept of how empty life could feel, how meaningless it could be.
“I have a sense of what you mean. Not to the same extent, of course. You already know about Patricia. I know how hard life can be without love.”
“So, you understand. As much as I feel for you, I can’t go through this again. I’ve done it before, too many times. I don’t want to stay the same, powdering my hair, pretending I’m your niece or something the older we get. And what about you? You’ll never have children. We’ll never be able to grow old together.” I shake my head. “This is my chance to get out, and I intend to take it.”
The silence extends between us as he considers my words. “I can see how that makes sense. After knowing everything you’ve endured, I might have come to that conclusion myself. Hell, I wanted to. I couldn’t picture a world with just me and no Patricia.” He reaches over and nudges my chin. “But it happened eventually. The sun kept rising. The earth kept spinning, and I kept living, I suppose, thanks to you,” he says with a small smile. “Now, I’m not saying you’re wrong at all. It’s been your burden, and it’s your decision to make ... I just think we can try to think of another way. Surely there must be something?”
I shake my head. “You don’t think I’ve tried? Did you know that I can’t die? That I’vetried. But no ... I can’t pick up the gun. I can’t walk out into traffic. I can’t leap from the bridge or take that final bottle of pills. He won’t let me. My hands go numb, my feet lock in place, or I can’t get the top off the bottle, no matter how much I try.Hewon’t let me leave!”
I’m vibrating, everything crashing through me. I lurch to my feet and stumble to the far corner of the room, wrapping my arms aroundmyself like a shield. If I don’t hold it all in, I’ll fall apart right in front of him. This is my only choice.
“If I were him, I wouldn’t let you leave either.”
Sebastian’s words startle me.
“Without you, who does he have to talk to? Who will write him stories? Have portraits made of him?” He pauses, thinking and exploring the theory. “Maybe that’s why he hasn’t shown up before now. You said you tried to end your life, and he still didn’t come, even prevented you from leaving. Maybe he doesn’t want the game to be over ... because, without you, his existence would be empty too.”
Sebastian’s words ring with truth, but I can’t help but think of what that means for me ... for disobeying and taunting him.
“He’ll never let me go. Haven’t I given enough?”
He crosses the room to me. “Nella, you’ve given more than us all. Hearing your story proved that. I can’t help but think you also did what you set out to do. Yousawbeauty. Youwrotethe stories. Youfoundthe evidence. Youexperiencedlove. So much love. Yours is not a story about loss. You showed Death the goodness of man. Because he sawyou.”
I don’t want to see it. I’ve spent so much time in the loss that it hurts to focus on the love. I’ve carried their stories with me. They’ve made me who I am.
I swallow, my throat dry. “With Eulalie ... I learned the beauty of self-confidence, of having a dream and making your way in the world.” As I hear the words, a flood of gratitude surges forth, surprising me with its force.
“Jacques showed me the value of beauty and how to collect it. Even though he wasn’t my true love, he cared for me and tried to help others.” I smile, thinking of William. “William showed me what it was like to be loved for who I was inside. And he believed in me and my words. Without his encouragement, I don’t know if I would have had the courage to get published in France.” With every remembrance, the gratitude grows as if stretching me from the inside, making room for it all. The good and the bad. I understand his point. “For all his faults,René showed me the power of creation. With Rohan, I expanded my world, my understanding of this life and whatever is next. Adam gave me the joy of spontaneity and being my most authentic self. Gabrielle showed me the beauty of taking risks, while Diego helped me be present. They each showed me a lesson in beauty.”
He nods. “But you knew that already.” He cradles my chin. “You just forgot along the way.”
His simple words stop me, breaking through all my excuses. I have lost sight of it—the beauty, the magic, the wonder in the world that I used to love so much. But as his words resonate, I begin to remember. The pain’s there, but so are some of the other things I’ve forgotten. Adam’s satisfied smile after crafting a new design. Gabby’s proud face after helping to successfully pull off the boycott. Diego’s peace as we stood on that mountaintop in Peru. When I blocked out all those moments because of the pain, I missed all their beauty.
He traces a finger down my cheek. “You are the summation of everything you have ever seen, said, written, or done. I’ve found the strongest woman I’ve ever known in listening to you. I see you, and that’s why I know you’ve been battling this decision. What if you didn’t stop doing this from a place of fear?” He gazes down at me. “What if you did it from the beauty of love? Not because he’s making you, but because you want to.”
A startling clarity runs through me as I gaze at Sebastian.
I have done my job.
I have shown Death everything good and found beauty in the world, so much so that I’ve lost myself. Death planned to take the world long before he met me. If he hasn’t accepted all that I’ve given him, then there’s nothing left that I can do. No matter the cost.
The realization that comes is calm and peaceful. I stand on my tiptoes and kiss Sebastian with everything I have.
I know what I have to do.
Thirty-Five
The cabin sits where it did all those years ago, near the break in the woods. Fireflies flit through the coming dark, dotting the land with flashes of their hopeful, glowing light.
It’s not my original cabin, of course.
That’s long gone.
