Page 42 of The Night Shift
Despite the joking insinuation that I might hate my sister’s fiancé, I actually have nothing against him. Not really at least. I’ve just never liked Parker from the start. He’s like the annoying older brother I never asked for. Honestly, the only reason I haven’t stabbed him in the eye yet is because he seems to make April happy and that’s all that matters to me.
Two years older and two inches taller, April has always been my metaphorical partner-in-crime. Back when we were kids, we used to do everything together. Whether it was staying up till one to watch one of her lame superhero movies or sneaking out to buy beer the night before Thanksgiving. She was my best friend in the whole world. Still is.
But then she turned fifteen and along came Hayden Parker with his undying love for comic books and that was that. The two of them formed this little clique that no one was allowed in. I’ve long since come to terms with my place in her life. April might still be my favorite person, but that doesn’t mean I’m hers. Andthat’s okay. I’m happy as long as she’s happy. Well, that and as long as I get to cut out Parker’s heart, if he ever breaks hers. Now,thatis a win-win.
“There. All done.” She finishes fidgeting with my hair and steps back, locking our arms together so that we’re facing the mirror together.
“I think we look amazing,” she says after a brief pause.
“Youdo. I look like a blue highlighter.”
“A very pretty blue highlighter.”
She laughs. “I cannot believe I’m getting married in a week.”
“Nervous?”
“A little.”
“There’s still time to call it off.”
“Shut up.” She nudges my shoulder. “I’m nervous, but also really excited. It’s weird.”
“Pretty sure that’s exactly what the passengers of the Titanic felt when they were boarding.”
“Jesus, Holly.”
“Kidding. But just know that if you’re having second thoughts and want to back out, I’m totally on your side. I’ll bring a getaway car and everything.”
“You don’t know how to drive.”
“It’s the thought that counts.”
She stares at me and a second later, both of us burst out laughing. There is a calmness in my chest, a feeling of coming home. April has this way of making everyone around her feel safe and loved. She’s sunshine in human form. I’m not.
She’s the golden child. More likable.
I’m a storm cloud. Stumbling through life, searching for a place to belong.
I wonder what would happen if April ever came to know the truth about me. About the things I do when I’m not working. What would happen if she came to know about my unsavoryhobbies? Would we still be this close? I doubt it. A dead weight sinks into my stomach.
The thought of losing April goes through me like a bullet. Is this what Audrey meant earlier? The concept of being not okay?
Two weeks after I lost Aanya, I contemplated going down the same road. I thought that if she was gone, and I was gone, then somehow, we’d finally end up together. All I had to do was cut.Cut, I told myself.CUT!
But I wasn’t brave enough.
I didn’t —couldn’tdo it. I thought about how I felt when I found Aanya’s body sprawled across her bathroom floor. The deep cut on her arm. Her long brown hair and her vacant eyes. Her limp fingers grasping the bloody note. Up until that day, I thought I knew what the word “grief” meant, but I was wrong. Every day after that became ten times more difficult for me. Everything I did drained me out. Eating. Cooking. Studying. I couldn’t concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. I went to therapy. It worked for a while. It helped me find my problems. But imagine knowing your problems and still feeling helpless to solve them. I became constantly angry and full of hate. I tried to fake kindness, a little sweetness. I’ve even tried to mirror how April behaves with most people since she’s always been liked by everyone, but all it ever did was leave me exhausted by the end of it.
For years, all I felt was emptiness.
And then I ended up killing someone outside Cami’s bar three years ago and everything started to get a little better.
I try not to think about what led up to it and the pain is still there, but at least I know how to numb it from time to time now. Like using a sedative. Not happy. Not sad. Just neutral.
In Audrey’s words, “not okay.”
I’m resilient like that.
