Page 70 of Bellamy
My skin tingled, and heat traveled up my neck. “You told me just a few days ago that I’d never have your heart.”
“As I said. I’m out of my goddamn mind.” Bellamy dropped his gaze to our joined hands. “It’s like once I accepted fate’s plan for me… once I realized I can’t run from you anymore… I felt everything so intensely, like a surge of emotion that had been hidden behind walls of steel broke free. Me marking you didn’t help.”
I lifted a hand to my collar. The mark rested beneath it. Secretly, I liked it being there, both the collar and the mark. I liked it a bit too much.
“I never do this either,” I confessed. “Love is a silly emotion.”
“You saying you love me?” He smirked.
“Not even a little bit. I love your cock. Does that count?”
“Well, I love your ass.” Bellamy glanced at my horns. “And those. I really love those.”
Heat crept to my cheeks, and that fluttering returned to my stomach, like hundreds of tiny bats flapping their wings. I’d never had a crush on anyone before, but if I had, I suspected this was exactly how it would feel.
“What the hell are we doing, Bellamy?”
“I don’t know,” he said, eyes on mine. “I’m just doing what feels right.”
“Being with me feels right?”
He looked at the water below us. “Honestly, it makes me feel like I’m gonna puke.”
“Wow. Thanks.”
The smallest of smiles curved his lips. “You know what I mean. This shit is nerve-racking. Makes no sense either. I don’t trust you, but I need you. Part of me is waiting for you to stab me in the back. The other is begging me to pull you into my arms and never let go. It’s…” He shook his head as he trailed off.
“Scary?”
“A little,” he answered. “Because if you do betray me… if this does end in one fucking massive disaster, I would’ve known what it was like to be happy. And that shit scares me. It’s easier to survive if you always expect the worst.”
Something in his words jumped out at me, and the bats flew up from my stomach and into my chest.
“You’re happy?” I asked.
Bellamy didn’t respond for several seconds. When he finally did, his voice was a bit rough. “It’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to being happy.”
“Have you ever been in love?”
I hated the thought of him caring deeply about someone else. Sex? Well, we’d both fucked our way through the years with countless partners, so that part of his past didn’t bother me. But him loving someone else or giving them even a fraction of his heart made mine crack a little in response.
“No,” he finally answered.
Relief untangled some of the knots in my gut. “Why not? Because of your sin?”
Bellamy shook his head. “Lust doesn’t prevent me from being faithful to one person. Sure, he likes variety, but as long as he gets his fix, he’s content. I could’ve had a ton of boyfriends or girlfriends over the years. I could’ve settled down and committed to someone. I never have. Sex is as far as it goes. It’s as far as I’ll allow it to go.”
“Why?”
“You’re smart, Phoenix. Think about it. Putting aside the fact my whole life is dedicated to protecting humanity, do you really think I’m boyfriend material with all the notches on my bedpost?” Bellamy snorted. It had a sad sound to it. “Playboys like me are good for one thing and one thing only.”
“I don’t think you’re a playboy,” I said. “I think you’re afraid of getting close to another person.”
His jaw clenched. He didn’t look mad though. He looked… haunted. “I just don’t want to be like him, Phoenix.”
“Like who?”
“My father.” Bellamy stood from the rock and walked closer to the edge of the cliff, his wings ruffling as another breeze picked up around us. “He’s the reason I’m cursed with Lust. My brothers and I each represent the worst traits of our fathers. Galen’s father was impulsive and violent, so he’s the avatar of Wrath. Raiden’s was tempted by all the pleasures in life—food and drink, mostly. A glutton who did everything in excess. Caim, Castor’s father, loved riches and luxurious things.”
