Page 69 of Perfectly Us
Alex’s fingers glide up and down my forearm before dropping to my wrist. He plays with my bracelets, his head resting back against my shoulder.
“Hey, Shi?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m really glad you came camping.”
I press my face to his nape, my eyes stinging as a lump wedges in my throat. “Me too.”
The fireworks stop not long afterward, leaving the night quiet. Moans come from the lovebirds in the tent, but once Alex and I move to a different spot in the grass, we can’t hear them much anymore.
I recline on the blanket, and he cuddles beside me, head on my chest. Next month, Alex will be going to college. We haven’t officially said we were boyfriends or anything, but that’s what I see us as.
Will he still want me when he moves away?
“Why psychology?” I ask, gliding a hand up and down his bicep.
“Hmm?” He turns his head and peers up at me.
“What made you choose psychology for your major?”
“Oh.” He traces designs on my chest with his fingertip. “Well, I’ve always been interested in learning about the mind and human behavior. Like a good little serial killer.”
I chuckle and brush my lips across his brow. I’ve noticed Alex cracks jokes sometimes to avoid deeper topics. He’ll tell me when he’s ready.
“What kind of job do you want?” I ask.
Alex is quiet at first, and my question hangs in the air. He releases a shaky breath before saying, “I think I want to be a crisis counselor. Or like a mental health therapist. Someone who helps people that are struggling.” His fingers curl around my side. “I can’t help but feel like if Clay had someone to talk to, he wouldn’t have…”
He doesn’t finish his sentence.
I bring him closer to my side, wishing I could take away his pain. “It’s not your fault, Alex.”
“But I didn’t help him.” Alex shudders against me, his voice cracking. “He came to me. The night before he did it. I was in a bad mood because Dad told me I couldn’t go to Ruben’s house that weekend. Clay came into my room, and I told him to leave. I remember the distant look in his eyes… he didn’t seem like himself at all. He looked like he wanted to say something, but then he turned around and left. That’s the last time I saw him, Shi.”
Alex’s body quakes as a small cry leaves him. My own eyes water as I hold him, combing my fingers through his hair.
“When I woke up the next morning, Clay wasn’t in his room,” Alex continues as more tears fall. “The door to Dad’s gun case was wide open.”
My stomach coils.
“Dad’s the one who found him in the woods. He didn’t go far.” Alex squeezes his eyes shut. “I didn’t see Clay. Dad made sure I didn’t.” A short pause. “That’s the only time I’ve ever seen my dad cry. As the guys came to take Clay away, all I could think about was that empty look in his eyes. How I didn’t help him.”
“You have to stop blaming yourself.”
“If I would’ve just listened to him, maybe he’d be here right now. Instead, I was hung up on something stupid and took it out on him. I was selfish.”
I shake my head. “You’re the least selfish person I know, Alex. You’re kind, funny, and so full of light. What your brother did… it’s not your fault. Believe me.”
I think of my dad. He’s shown me nothing but love my entire life. And yet, I still did what I did. I didn’t try to kill myself though. My mind was clouded, and I only wanted to feel something. But I still reached that point, even with a loving, supporting family.
“I’m sorry,” Alex says, wiping at his eyes. “This was supposed to be a fun night, and I’ve ruined it.”
“You didn’t ruin anything. It’s not good to hold this stuff in.”
He offers me a weak smile. “I haven’t even told Ruben this. I mean, he knows a lot of it. But I never told him about the last time I saw Clay. I replay that moment over and over in my head, thinking about what I could’ve done differently to fix whatever dark thing had hold of him.”
Something occurs to me as I hold Alex, rubbing his back.
