Page 75 of His Surrender
“I’m glad you found that with Cason. I really am. But that’s not me, Emery. I’m not the romance type. I’m the fuck-and-leave type. It’s how I like it.”
“Yeah?” His gaze was piercing. “If that’s how you like it, then why are you such a mess right now? Before we first met, when I was hiding who I was, I’d felt like I was drowning, like my head was barely above the water and I’d sink to the depths any day. Well, Foley, I’m lookin’ at you right now and I see you drowning too.”
My first instinct was to get defensive. However, the fight had left me. I didn’t know if it was because of the booze messing with my head… or maybe my soul was just too tired… but I put my face in my hands and released a sharp exhale.
I was barely holding myself together.
“Come on.” Emery lightly bumped the top of my head with his fist. “I’m putting you to bed.”
I laughed, though it sounded hoarse and thick. Another clear sign that I’d break down any moment. He helped haul me to my feet and put an arm around my waist as he took me to my bedroom.
“This is familiar,” I mumbled as Emery laid me on the bed.
“Shut up.” He covered me with the comforter and flipped on the ceiling fan, knowing I couldn’t sleep without it. “I’ll go grab your water.” He left the room, and I closed my eyes, listening to his steps in the hall. I jumped when his voice sounded again shortly after. “Will you be okay?”
“Da. Spokoynoy nochi.”
“English, Foley.”
“Yes,” I said. “Good night.”
He turned to leave but stopped after a few steps and looked back at me. “Can I give you some advice?”
“Sure,” I mumbled, my eyelids getting heavier as I tried to keep them open. “Give me your words of wisdom, Cross.”
“Because of fear, I almost threw away the best relationship I’ve ever had,” he said, and the vulnerability in his voice sobered me up a bit. “If I would’ve given in to that fear, Cason wouldn’t be with me right now. I would’ve never gotten to see the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs or hear all the random shit that flies out of his mouth when he’s excited. So many precious moments would’ve been lost.”
My throat tightened and those damn tears filled my eyes again. I knew what he was getting at.
“Love is unexpected and scary and so many other things. And fuck, it can hurt sometimes.” Emery took a deep, steadying breath. “But it’s worth the risk, Jay. If you take anything I say to heart, that’s it. Love is worth it.”
“I just don’t wanna get hurt again,” I said as a weight pressed down on my chest.
“You have to ask yourself what’s worse: maybe getting hurt… or walking away from him and always wondering what could’ve happened if you’d stayed.”
Too emotional to speak, I only stared at him. My jaw got tight, and my chin started to quiver.I’m not going to fucking cry in front of him.
I blamed the bourbon. It had numbed the pain for a while, but now that pain had been exposed again.
“This doesn’t change anything, Cross.” I managed a smirk in spite of the whirlwind of chaos in my chest. “When court resumes in April, I won’t show any mercy.”
“I wouldn’t want it any other way.” Emery smiled before bending down to grab Sputnik and set him on the bed. “Good night. If you need anything, call me.”
“Will do.”
He flipped off the light before he left, and I closed my eyes. Talking to him had helped, but I still felt hollow on the inside. I’d tried filling that emptiness with whiskey, but it had only temporarily fixed the problem.
Truth be told, I had been covering up my issues for years, using sex as a shield from the dark shit in my head. But now I was left flayed open and forced to confront the crap I’d kept buried for so long.
I thought of Andrew.
“No one will ever love you as much as I do,” Andrew said, tracing the curve of my stomach. We were in a hotel room, enjoying the afterglow of mind-blowing sex. His blond hair fell messily into his handsome face, and I smiled as I brushed it aside.
“When can we be together for real?” I asked, touching his jaw. “I think I might be ready to come out to my parents. Pretty sure my mom already suspects. I want you to meet them and—”
“No.” Andrew knocked my hand aside and stood from the bed.
“Why?” I asked, sliding off the mattress and stepping toward him. “You told me you were gonna leave your wife for me.”
