Page 93 of His Surrender
“No, you’ve had plenty by the look of it.”
Jay mumbled something in Russian before slumping forward and hooking his arms behind his neck. Shakes racked his body. He was crying. And god, it fucking crushed my heart. I dropped beside him on the couch and slowly put an arm around his shoulders. I didn’t want to startle him.
“Remember all the fucked-up shit I told you about that waited beneath the illusion?” Jay said through quiet cries. “This is it. I’m a mess, Remi. A goddamn mess.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“I’m a hypocrite,” Jay said, shaking his head, causing more tears to fall. “When Emery was struggling with his drinking, I told him the thing that made him drink would still be there when he sobered up. And here I am gettin’ shitfaced because I can’t stand to be in my right mind right now. Not after seein’ him. God, Remi.” He choked out a sob and gripped the strands of his hair. “He really fucked me up.”
“Who did?”
“Andrew,” he said, wiping at his eyes and then letting out a frustrated growl. “You met him at the bar.”
I did?
Then I recalled the handsome man who’d asked about Jay. What Jay said to him made sense now. He hadn’t been spewing random drunken words at a complete stranger like I’d assumed. He’d known him.
“He broke my heart,” Jay said. “He’s the reason I’m so weird about relationships. He strung me along for three years, keeping our relationship hidden. I wasn’t out at the time, so at first, I was okay with it. But almost two years in, I told him I was ready to tell my parents I was gay. I wanted to tell them about him and introduce them. He totally freaked. Got mad at me. A year later, he dropped me like I was nothing.”
Jay had talked so fast that it took me a moment to process what he’d said.
“How did you meet him?” The man—Andrew—looked to be in his late forties or fifties.
“Remember when I said I was a CJ major and took an Intro to Law class?” Jay sat against the back of the couch. His eyes were a little pink. “Andrew was the professor. He made me fall in love with the idea of being a lawyer just like he made me fall in love with him. But it wasn’t love. Not really. He was married and deep in the closet.” Jay released a dry laugh. “I know. I screwed around with a married man and felt no guilt about it. Because I thought he’d leave her for me. I thought he loved me. I was stupid.”
“You weren’t stupid,” I said, folding my hands together to keep from reaching for him. He didn’t need me to touch him right then. He just needed me to listen. “He took advantage of you. You were young and impressionable. He used his position to have power over you.”
“Don’t make it sound like I was some kind of victim.”
“Whether you admit it or not, that’s exactly what you were.”
More tears sprung to his eyes but he blinked them back before they could fall. “I never expected to see him here. After he broke it off with me, I was already out of his class and about to graduate, so we didn’t see each other again. Then I went to law school. Haven’t seen him since. Tonight was a shock. It’s been fourteen years, but suddenly I feel like a twenty-year-old kid again.”
“Did he ever make you call him sir?” The look in Jay’s eyes as he called me that at the bar would haunt me for a while.
Jay stilled, dropping his gaze to his hands. “Yes,” he whispered. “Andrew had to have control in every aspect of his life. That control included me too. He drilled into my head that he owned me, that no one else was allowed to have me. If he thought I was seeing anyone else, he’d fuck me hard. Rough. As if reminding me I belonged to him.”
“And that whole time he was still with his wife,” I said, feeling sick to my stomach. I’d had suspicions Jay had been hurt before, but the reality of it was much worse.
He nodded. “People sometimes use fire and ice to describe relationships that didn’t work, but Andrew and I were like fire and lighter fluid. One burned and the other made the fire burn higher. Hotter. We were horrible for each other.”
“How did things end?”
Jay heaved a sigh. “Andrew told me to meet him at a hotel because he had something important to discuss. I thought he finally left his wife, and I’d rushed over to meet him. He fucked me when I got there. Then right after, he got up and started putting on his clothes. With his back to me, he said, ‘This is the last time we’ll see each other.’I argued with him, of course, terrified at the thought of losing him.”
Jay paused and squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again. Fresh tears shone in the green depths. “He said he loved Holly and refused to betray her anymore. I said I loved him, and he laughed. ‘You don’t love me,’ he said. ‘And I don’t love you either.’But before then, he’d told me so many times that hedidlove me. After that day, I swore off love. I never wanted to be hurt like that again.”
I understood so much about him now—why he’d been such a playboy, why he’d been uncomfortable with me taking control in bed. His walls had fully come down. By the uneasy expression on his face, I suspected he was scared I’d think badly of him now that I knew the truth.
The past four days had shown me different sides to Jay Foley. And I loved them all. But I was hesitant to say the words to him. Andrew had said them to him too, and in the end, they hadn’t meant a thing. I didn’t want Jay to think I was the same.
“Where are you going?” Jay asked as I stood from the couch. Panic was back in his eyes.
I caressed his cheek. “Let’s go to bed.”
Relief replaced the panic, and he blew out a breath. He wobbled a bit as I helped him off the couch and took him through the sliding door to the bedroom. He fell on the bed, and I undid the button on his suit jacket before sliding it off and putting it on the ottoman beside the window.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said with a lopsided grin, running his hand down my chest.
