Page 113 of The Ghost of Ellwood
I walked with Carter outside. We were going to grab dinner then head home.
I couldn’t wait to see Theo. One night away from him had made me anxious. Even though he appeared solid to the naked eye, he didn’t show up well on video. Skyping with him the previous night in the hotel had been challenging. We’d then messaged back and forth before calling it a night.
I needed to see him and hold him.
“Had another nightmare last night,” Carter said, after we’d gotten burgers and fries and were heading for Ivy Grove. “I saw all of the ghosts again. Fuck, dude, it’s been almost two months and I still can’t get them out of my head.”
“I know the feeling.” I ate a few fries and slurped my soda from the to-go cup. “Just when I think I’m over seeingher, she pops up in a dream or a random thought throughout the day.”
“Do you still think she’s a sign you’re going to die?” he whispered.
“Like you said, it’s been two months. Maybe she’s just taunting me. Whatever the reason, I try not to dwell on it. It’s why I’ve started living in the moment more. Never take a day for granted.”
Carted hooked his phone into the radio and selected a playlist. Every song was in Japanese, so I had no idea what they were about, but I liked the melodies. There was a band calledDiaurathat I really liked.
I hadn’t noticed the knot in my gut until we crossed into Ivy Grove, and my body unwound. Like I’d been constantly tense and just now found relief.
“Thanks for letting me come along,” Carter said, as I pulled up to his house. “It was a lot of fun.”
“Anytime. Thanks for the company.”
I backed out of his driveway and drove home. As the manor came into view, my heart beat faster. I couldn’t get out of the car fast enough. I slammed the door and jogged toward the porch. Theo threw open the door and met me at the top of the stairs.
“Welcome home, Ben.”
Taking hold of his chin, I kissed him. He softly sighed and gripped my shirt, holding me as close as our bodies allowed. It was a wonderful welcome home indeed.
My soul could breathe again.
Chapter Twenty-One
The month of May brought not only warmer temperatures, but many special memories. The frost of winter melted away, allowing plants to grow and flowers to bud. I helped Theo plant his roses around the manor, and he’d even convinced me to start a garden so he could have fresh tomatoes and cucumbers for when he cooked for me.
“It’s healthier for you, Ben,” he would say.
God, I loved him.
With Theo’s permission, I also published his journal.
He had sat beside me as I transferred the entries from his journal onto my laptop, and he told me extra things he wanted to include in it, like more about his relationship with Harvey. He also wrote a final chapter—not the one describing his death—since the journal had ended rather abruptly. It was a conclusion to his love story with Harvey.
The ending lines had been profound to me.
I know Harvey and I will never have our happily ever after. He’s married to Lillian, and I’m as good as trapped in a prison. Yet, even as tears fall from my eyes and my heart aches, I’m fortunate to have loved Harvey at all.
I read a poem once that talked about losing the person you loved and how nothing quite looks the same after. All beauty is lost. I no longer believe it’s true. The world looks the same; it’s your perception that’s different. The pain will pass, and the heart will mend, perhaps not fully, but enough for you to get through the day.
And when the sun shines again, and you feel the warmth of it on your skin, you’ll remember the beauty you once forgot.
My publisher wasn’t interested in it, so I chose to self-publish. Turned out it was for the best. All the proceeds were donated to LGBT organizations, like The Trevor Project and to LGBT youth centers in the area.
I had hired an artist to draw Theo for the book cover, giving them a copy of the photo Florence showed me in the library as reference. They had captured him perfectly. We had titled the bookSecrets of Blackwell Manor: A Memoir.
Theo had been surprised when the book hit a few bestsellers’ list. We had celebrated with some wine and hours upon hours of lovemaking.
My life might not have been considered normal, but it was the only life I wanted. I was happy and in love. I’d found where I belonged. All my years of searching for a place that felt like home, and I’d found it. Nothing would make me let it go.
As I sat at my desk one sunny afternoon, listening to the birds chirp outside the window, something cold pressed to my neck. Smiling, I tilted my head up. Theo wrapped an arm around me and held my chest as he nipped at my neck.
