Page 2 of Brighter Shades of Light
“I remember it, as well,” I said, watching her. Her red hair curved around her face, shorter now than it’d been back then. “You were stunning in that green dress.”
A sad smile touched her lips. “Funny how I don’t remember what I wore, but you do. You never forget. A mind unlike any other.”
Having a memory like mine was a blessing, but also a curse. There were things I wished I could forget.
“I love you,” Emily said, stepping away from the piano. “But love isn’t enough, Sebastian. Not when it’s not returned.” She grabbed my hands in hers. “I’ve never known a man as gentle as you. But I can’t do this anymore.”
“I understand.”
“That’s another thing.” She let go of me. “You’re also brutally honest. Even now, you can’t say you love me, can you?”
I stared at her, once again keeping my silence.
“I’m going to my mother’s for the night,” she said. “We’ll talk more in the morning and figure out how to go about this.”
Emily turned and walked down the hall toward the bedroom we only technically shared. We hadn’t shared a bed in quite some time. If I didn’t sleep in my study, I slept on the couch.
Our love life was nonexistent. The first year of our marriage, we’d been sexually intimate, but over time, it had become nearly impossible. She was beautiful, inside and out, but my body had stopped responding to her. No matter how many times I told her that it was me and not her, she believed it was her fault. That she wasn’t good enough. So, I’d begun throwing myself more into my work and making excuses every time she wanted to have sex.
Eventually, we stopped trying.
She returned to the living room carrying an overnight bag and one that held her makeup and toiletries.
“You don’t have to leave,” I said. “I can go to a hotel.”
“No, I want to go.” She grabbed her purse from the kitchen counter and slung it over her shoulder. “I need distance. I’m sure you can relate to that. Being in this house right now will only remind me of everything I’m giving up.”
“At least let me carry your bags to the car.”
After she nodded, I grabbed them and walked with her outside. The warm day was too bright, and I squinted through my glasses as I loaded the bags into the back and closed the hatch.
“Sebastian.” Emily clutched my shirt as I started to walk away. I stopped and looked down at her. “You arebrilliant. So much goes on in that handsome head of yours. Sometimes, I think you’re more comfortable in your mind than you are in the real world. Like you’re not here, even when you’re right beside me. But all those numbers, theories, and equations won’t keep you warm at night.”
Her words caused an ache in the center of my chest, but I showed no signs of it. She was absolutely correct; I was more comfortable in my mind. At least there, I knew what to expect.
“Drive safe, Emily.”
Without another word, I went back into the house and closed the door before leaning against it.
Four years of marriage, three of them not that successful. And it’d come to an end at last.
***
Two months later, I walked through the front door of my new house. Boxes were everywhere, as I hadn’t had time to unpack it all yet, but it was coming along.
Neither Emily nor I disputed anything, so the uncontested divorce moved smoothly enough. Emily hadn’t asked for our house, but I gave it to her anyway. A house was just a house to me and could be easily replaced. Plus, I knew how much she loved it—the balcony she enjoyed sitting on in the morning while sipping her hot tea, the living room with the tall ceilings and arches, and the assortment of antiques she’d collected over the years. It all meant something to her.
All in all, the divorce had been just as I’d anticipated. Fairly painless, but somewhat of a headache. Though our marriage failed, we held no ill will toward each other.
The biggest challenge was starting over somewhere else.
Change was necessary, though. If the testing of a hypothesis failed, you started again, tweaking it as you went, until you eventually arrived at a conclusion. I found a house not far from the university in a more secluded area than my previous one. The lack of noise was strange but appreciated.
I was used to the racket from the busy streets. Constant ambulance and police sirens, cars thumping music, and children screaming and laughing as they played outside. Focusing had been difficult at times.
Not anymore.
I went into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee, since I planned on being up working for most of the night. Many of my dishes were still packed, but I had the essentials ready to go: coffee mugs galore.
