Page 80 of Declan
He drank more of his beer and looked out over the water. The infinity pool merged with the sea behind it, reflecting the colors of the sky, as well.
“Do you really think it’s good?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
I felt sort of bad for teasing him so much. The guy was seriously self-conscious about his work.
“Yeah, I do.” The pool was calling my name, and I offered him a hand as I stood up. “Come on.”
Kyler accepted my hand and walked with me to the edge of the pool.
We sank into the water, and I wasted no time before pulling him against me. I kissed the base of his throat before moving up his neck and finally to his lips. Neither of us rushed the kiss. There wasn’t a need to. Time was frozen in that moment. All that existed was me and him.
“Dec?”
I pressed my forehead to his. “Yeah?”
“Are you ashamed of being gay?”
The question caught me off guard. I hadn’t told Kyler the real reason for my fear. Part of it, yes. I’d admitted I was nervous of what people would think and how it’d impact my career. But I hadn’t told him about all the messed-up, internal shit that held me back, too.
“Not ashamed, no,” I said, gliding my thumb in lazy circles on his lower back. “Not exactly. Remember how I mentioned I was in foster care?”
He nodded and rested his head on my shoulder.
“I stayed with a lady once who…” My throat became dry. I’d never told anyone what I was about to tell Kyler. “She caught me kissing one of the other boys in the home and totally freaked the fuck out.”
I then told him everything. About Mrs. Reese forcing me and Casey to fist fight, how I’d been knocked out cold and had to go to the hospital, and how Casey had been sent to juvie once she lied about why we’d fought.
Kyler stopped his leisure pull of me through the water. “What happened after that?”
“I spent two more years with her where she broke me down.” My eyes stung as my heart jumped up into my throat. “She made me hate myself, Kyler. She told me how disgusting it was for boys to like other boys. Everything I knew about myself, everything I’d liked, she ripped apart. So, I decided I wouldn’t be gay.”
“It’s not a choice,” he said in a gentle tone.
“I know.” Fuck, I was crying now. Not sobbing, but tears streamed down my cheeks as I looked into the face of the one man who’d never made me feel wrong for loving him. “I know it’s not.”
Kyler kissed me then, and I whimpered against his lips.
Fourteen years of holding all of this back, and I was finally releasing it. Finally talking about things I’d kept locked away in my head. Kyler had the key to that place, though, and it was freeing to let it all out.
“Is that the real reason you won’t come out?” he asked after breaking the kiss.
“A big part of it, yeah. I’ve fought against it every day for years. Lying to myself.” I tightened my hold on his lean waist. “I hate myself when I fuck women because I know I’m not being true to who I am, and I feel disgusting when I fuck men because I feel it’s wrong.”
Gray eyes watched me in silence. And then, “Do you thinkI’mdisgusting?”
“What? No.” I cupped his face. “Why the hell would you ask me that?”
“You said you feel disgusting after you fuck a guy,” Kyler said. “I fuck guys all the time. If you think you’re wrong for doing it, you must find me wrong, too.”
I hadn’t thought about it like that. I’d never thought badly of him or any other guy I’d been with. My loathing was solely aimed at me.
“You’re everything that’s right in my life, Freckles,” I whispered, gripping his nape and leaning my head against his. “Ever since I’ve met you, I haven’t felt disgusting or wrong. I don’t feel empty anymore.”
Kyler’s eyes watered, as if he’d been holding back something, too. “Then, why are you letting me go?”
I didn’t have an answer for him.
It was dark now. A beautiful night sky with a slight breeze coming off the sea. The warm air did nothing for the cold snaking through my veins, though.
Kyler searched my face for several seconds before nodding, kissing my cheek, and pulling away. He got out of the pool and wrapped a towel around his waist. I thought he might say something as he turned back to me. But he didn’t. He went inside the house and left me alone outside.
And for the first time since meeting him, that empty feeling clawed at my chest.
