Page 90 of The Pawn
I sigh.
“If I wanted to challenge you, I’d have done it by now. I’d have fed the rumors that you killed Seth to turn the family against you. To steal their support. I could have cleaned out your accounts. All of them. Left you penniless. Christ. There are so many things I could have done.”
“She heard you,” I tell him. “You were there. Look at me and deny it. Do it.”
He looks, but he doesn’t deny. He doesn’t speak at all.
I shake my head. “I don’t know if you realize how much you’re hurting your son with this.” I turn away, make my way back to the stairs.
“Do you know the true reason I wouldn’t betray you? Because I love you. You are like my own son.”
I stop. “I think it’s that that hurts the most,” I say without turning back.
I expect him to argue, to have some comeback, but he doesn’t. “Leave the light. Please. Leave the light.”
I don’t turn back, but I do set the lantern on a stone bench before making my way back upstairs.
30
ALLEGRA
Enzo drops off the bag the following day. I unpack the clothes. I don’t much care about those. At the bottom of the bag is a shoe box. I lift it out. It’s the one thing I want from that house. The only thing.
I’m realizing more and more how little a connection I have with the house I grew up in. Realizing more and more how I can breathe now that I’m no longer trapped there.
Those years before my mother’s murder were different. For all her darkness, she was a light to me and to Michael. She was warm and loved us differently than my father. And I think he did love us in the only way he knew how, or maybe I’m being stupid. Maybe he was incapable of love. Probably, actually.
I keep coming back to what Cassian said. I was a pawn to him. But so was Michael.
After mom was gone, my father removed every single photograph of her. Nothing of hers was allowed in the house. He burned her clothes, her shoes, destroyed her jewelry, her books, her music, anything that was hers.Anything at all. It was like he was trying to erase her. Like murdering her wasn’t enough for him.
That photo Cassian found on my nightstand I kept hidden, only framing it and putting it on my nightstand after my father’s death. But I have more. I rescued what I could when he went on his rampage.
I sit cross legged in the middle of the bed and open the box now. I hadn’t looked at it since I snatched all the photos I could find. I was too scared my father would find out and destroy them and punish me. Even after his death, I never opened the box. I looked at it many times and never understood why I didn’t simply take it down and open it.
I understand now as I lift out the first handful of photos. I understand when I see my mother’s face and feel an overwhelming sadness. A sense of having lost something I will never, no matter what, be able to replace. Because whatever happens, even if Cassian and I, after all this, get our happy ending, this loss will always leave a hole in my heart I will never be able to fill.
A sound from the corner of the room distracts me. I look over to where I left my backpack leaning against the wall. It’s unzipped.
It buzzes again.
I get up, cross the room to retrieve my iPad. Cassian never returned my phone to me, but with all that’s gone on, I didn’t notice. I know Jet has Amal’s phone so although I’ve been texting her through the messaging app on my iPad, I know she isn’t getting those messages. Malek is making sure she’s cut off from me which may be safer for her and Daniel, at least for now.
Apart from Amal, there’s no one who would be texting me. It was only her and Michael who had my number. Well,also Jared from school, but I’m pretty sure he got the message by now.
So, when I unlock the iPad and see a message from an unknown number, I hurry to read it even as the three dots undulate.
Amal: Allegra. It’s me, Amal. Tell me you’re seeing this. I don’t know if he gave you your phone. One of the soldiers finally got tired of Daniel whining to go outside and gave him an iPad to play on. They don’t realize I can get online with it. Are you there?
Me: I’m here! OMG. Are you and Daniel safe?
Amal: We’re fine. Cut off from the world but safe. We’re with my grandmother. You know he told us she was dead? What an asshole.
Me: You okay?
Amal: We’ll be fine. It’s nice getting to know her. She’s so different from him but he’s got guards everywhere.
Me: Have you seen him? Do you know where he is?
