Page 63 of The Pawn
“When have you known life to be fair?”
“Not often, I guess. Does Jet know about Seth?”
I take a deep breath in. “Yes. I told him once, a while back. When we first learned what was happening. By then, my father had started showing the first signs of dementia, but Seth’s seemed to progress so much faster. I was trying to manage it all and failing, mostly. Jet and I, we can be the best of friends. True brothers. Or we can be the worst of enemies. Some days I think I owe Jet better.” I shake my head. “And Angelo and Enzo know, of course.”
“Who is Angelo again?”
“He’s my uncle on my dad’s side so Enzo’s my cousin. He was my father’s closest advisor and he’s mine, but he’smuch more than that to me. Like a father, actually. More than my own ever was. But I’m not about to start feeling sorry for myself.”
“You’re just telling me. That’s not feeling sorry for yourself. And it’s hard, to always be on your own.”
“Weren’t you on your own, Little Moth? Before me?”
She studies me, her forehead wrinkled in thought. “I guess so. I could talk to Amal, but she was so young when everything happened, and I never talked about it with anyone. After my mom was killed…” She has to stop at that word and I know the effort it took her to say it. “We weren’t allowed to talk about her. My father…” She shakes her head.
“That’s trauma you’ve kept inside you for years, Allegra. That trauma doesn’t go away. It’s a part of you now. Your DNA.”
She nods. “I know.”
“But it doesn’t have to define you,” I tell her.
“I know that too. You’re teaching me that.” She leans over to kiss my cheek. “I have a question.”
“Ask it.”
“When I met your dad, he mistook you for Seth and me for Vivi, I think. He accused me, well, Vivi, of taking his son and grandson away.”
“He’s out of his mind, Allegra. He doesn’t know?—”
“I know. That’s not why I’m bringing it up. When you told him you weren’t Seth, he got angry. Accused you ofputting him in that place. Does he know Seth is at the facility?”
“He did and maybe some moments he still does, but I’m not sure. When he says that he could mean a grave because maybe he believes I killed him. Who knows?”
“Why would he believe that? You’re his son too.”
Fair question. Heavy question. “My mother died giving birth to me.”
“Oh, Cassian.” Her eyes fill up.
I shake my head. I don’t want tears. “My father loved her very much and he always blamed me. From the moment I was born. That’s what I meant when I said my uncle was more a father to me than my father was. And Seth was a very good big brother. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for Seth. Now it’s my turn to do what’s right by him and I can’t bring myself to do it.”
“But you’re doing it. You’re taking care of his family.”
I smile, cup the back of her head and pull her to me. “You need to know, Allegra, I will never have children.”
She draws back, almost started. “It’s hereditary? Do you have the gene or something?”
“It can be, but I don’t. I’ve been tested, although I still wouldn’t...” I trail off. “Vivi’s afraid to test Gage and I get it. It’s why in the beginning I was so insistent you take that morning after pill. Just in case. I wasn’t just being an asshole.”
She chuckles. I brush hair back from her face.
Allegra studies me, working something out.
“Wait.” She pushes my hand from her face and holds it on her lap. “Why are you fucking me now, then?”
Oh.
Shit.
