Page 60 of Finally
“Jack is amazing, like I said. He’s smart. He’s funny. He’s handsome. He’s everything someone should want in a boyfriend.”
“We agree on all that. And yet, you didn’t actually want him to be your boyfriend, but you didn’t let him go.”
“I wanted to want him.” Jaime lowered his gaze. “I tried for years to want him. I tried so hard to want him. But it didn’t work.”
“You made the point, walked into the point, and then tripped over the point, but you still can’t see what you did wrong.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that’s not what it means to be in love with someone. Trust me, I know. I’ve been in love with Jack for a very long time. I’ve never had totry. I want to show him how I feel about him every second of every day. And I don’t spend those days fixated on myself.”
“You’re right.” He squeezed his eyes shut, grimacing. “I wasn’t in love with him.” He opened his eyes and looked at Gray again. “I did love him. I still do love him.” He pressed his lips together and shook his head. “He’s the best person I know. That’s why I stuck it out for that long.”
“You tried to keep one foot on the boat and the other foot on the dock, and Jack’s the one who fell into the lake.”
“I'm not sure I’m following your many analogies, but regardless, you do realize that I didn’t force Jack to stay with me, right? There were two of us in that relationship voluntarily. He could have left me at any time.”
“So it’s his fault that you treated him like shit? That’s what you’re saying? He’s loyal and he doesn’t give up on people so that means he deserved it?”
“I didn’t treat him like shit. If I had, he would have left, and he didn’t. That’s what I’m saying.”
“Just because someone carries it well doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy. Letting Jack lug your contempt around for all those years was shitty. But I get your point.” Gray tapped his fingers on his thigh. “My always wise grandmother used to say the same thing, only much more eloquently.Eventually you have to stopblaming a clown for being a clown and you need to blame yourself for going back to the circus.”
Honestly, Gray blamed himself for not recognizing that Jack’s relationship was a toxic circus and not helping him get away from his clown of a boyfriend.
“At this point, you’ve called me everything but a child of God and now you’re calling me a clown? Is that it?”
“At this point, you’ve done everything but take accountability for mistreating Jack and now you’re blaming him for you being a self-centered prick? Is that it?”
When Jaime didn’t respond, Gray continued speaking. “You said we’ve known each other a long time. Did you realize that the whole time, even at the beginning when you guys were together, I wanted him?”
Jaime shook his head.
“Well, I did. The first time I met him, I thought he was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. The first time we talked, I realized he was the smartest and wittiest person I’d ever known. I found myself making up excuses to spend time with him and I realized he was kind and sweet and generous. He was with you, so he was off limits in that way, but I figured, even if he didn’t need a boyfriend, he could use someone in his life who cared about him.” Gray rubbed his palm over his chest, the memories making his heart hurt. “When Jack needed a friend, I was his friend. When he needed a sounding board, I listened. When he needed advice, I gave it to him. He moved to Seattle because that was the best place for his business, so I packed up my practice and took the Washington bar. He needed someone to prop him up when you left him, so night after night, I held the man I loved while he cried over you. The one thing I didn’t do, even once in all those years, was think about what I could get from him. Being in Jack’s life, improving Jack’s life, that’s all I’ve wanted.That’swhat it means to love someone. It doesn’t mean treating themlike a safety net.” He ground his teeth together. “You can keep lying to everyone else and pretending to be a knight in shining armor, but don’t you fucking dare tell the man who’s spent years putting what you broke back together that you loved him.”
Jaime looked stunned. He stared at Gray, opened his mouth as if to speak, but then closed it without saying anything. They sat in silence, the seconds turning into minutes. Gray got up, walked to the fridge, got himself a water and Jaime a tea, and then sat back down.
“I asked Jack why we were buying these when we were shopping.” He set a bottle of mango white tea on the table. “He doesn’t like mango and I don’t drink tea.”
“It’s my favorite.” Jaime ran his fingertip over the label.
“That’s what he said.”
“I was hurting him the whole time?” Jaime raised his gaze, his expression devastated.
“You were. And you should have realized you were doing it and stopped.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
“How would you feel, Jaime? How would you feel if Oliver treated you the way you treated Jack? You tied him down and neglected him for ten years while you figured yourself out.Ten years. How would you feel?”
A tear rolled down Jaime’s cheek. He brushed it away but another took its place.
Everyone else they knew probably would have felt sorry for him, but Gray had wiped too many tears from Jack’s face to have an ounce of sympathy for the man who had put them there.
The mudroom door opened and Jack called out. “We’re home! Who’s ready for s’mores?”
***
