Page 18 of Finally
Turning toward Jack, Gray said, “Maybe we should find new friends.”
“Or you can keep your underwear on in public,” Jack hissed. “I’ve never had any problem doing that.”
Gray smiled and put his hand on Jack’s thigh.
“Why are you grinning like the Cheshire Cat?”
“I already told you. I’m enjoying this whole possessive thing you’ve got going on.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s not normal.”
Gray shrugged and picked up his menu. “Normal is overrated.” He read through the entrée options.
“They have Chilean sea bass with roasted vegetables,” Jack said. “That’s right up your alley.”
“Sounds good. On my way in, I walked by a table that was being served rib eye. It smelled wonderful.”
“That’s what I’ll get.” Jack put his hand on top of Gray’s and squeezed. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“I was stressed and then you got here and now I’m happy.” He threaded his fingers with Gray’s. “You’re great at making that happen.”
“It’s in the boyfriend job description,” Gray said, mostly because he enjoyed hearing himself referred to as Jack’s boyfriend, even if he was the one speaking.
His expression slightly mischievous, Jack repeated a version of what Jeffrey had said when Gray was approaching the table, “I’m gladyou were availablefor the job.”
“I’ve spent years holding out for my dream role.” Gray winked. “I’m glad you finally agreed to give it to me.”
Although Jack was smiling, Gray noticed residual worry in his eyes. He remembered the pain Jack had endured in his last relationship and the years of healing. Building a life with a man who had been emotionally injured wouldn’t be easy, but Jack was worth the effort, and besides, Gray didn’t consider paying him extra attention a hardship. Spending time with Jack,focusing on him, was exactly what Gray wanted. He raised their joined hands to his mouth and kissed the back of Jack’s. “Don’t worry. I’ve been training for this position most of my adult life. You won’t regret trusting me with it.”
***
“Do you think the bad guys know they’re bad?”
Jack lowered his gaze from the television, which wasn’t actively holding his attention anyway, down to Gray, who was curled on the sofa with his head resting on Jack’s lap. They’d started the weekend having dinner with friends and then by unspoken arrangement, they’d both driven to Jack’s house. When Gray walked inside, he was holding an overnight bag, which he took into the guest room he had slept in a week earlier. Jack wanted him to put the bag in his bedroom, but he didn’t say anything because he figured Gray would have done that if he wanted to sleep with him.
“Umm,” Jack tried to remember what had happened on the show so he could answer the question. “They believe they’re justified in what they’re doing, so no, I don’t think they consider themselves bad guys.”
“I agree.” Gray rubbed Jack’s knee. If Gray was in the habit of having sex with guys he just met, why was he holding off from doing the same thing with Jack? There was an obvious answer, one Jack recognized from years spent in a relationship in which he had the same shortcoming—Gray wasn’t sexually attracted to him. “It’s interesting, right?” asked Gray.
“Uh huh,” Jack answered before fully registering the question. Unlike Jack’s ex, Gray showered him with compliments about his appearance, and he seemingly couldn’t keep his hands off him. Gray was a touchy guy so Jack could write off a certain amount of affection from him, but the volume had noticeably risen, especially over the last week. Gray had kissed nearly every part of his face except his lips, andhe maintained almost constant contact by caressing his legs or arms, massaging his neck or shoulders, or simply holding his hand. That indicated desire by most metrics, and yet Gray hadn’t offered to sleep with him or otherwise initiated a sexual interaction. “It’s confusing.”
“It is,” Gray said, making Jack realize he had spoken out loud.
Thankfully, his comment was consistent with their conversation, so Gray hadn’t noticed, but Jack really had to pay attention to the topic at hand. “Maybe it’s human nature,” Jack said. “We see things from the lens of our own experiences, right? So the quote unquote bad guy has a history that causes him to view things a certain way or he has obligations that require him to do something or provide something, and based on those obligations and his history, he has a perception of what’s important and what he can do to achieve it and then he does that. From where he stands, he’s either doing the right thing or, at the very least, he’s doing the only thing possible for the right reasons. He’s the hero in his own story.”
“Sure.” Gray rolled onto his back so their gazes met. “But if his only consideration is his own past and his own obligations, then he’s thinking only of himself when he’s taking that action. Isn’t failing to consider the impact of his behavior on other people or on society in general selfish, which is bad, making him de facto the bad guy?”
“Maybe.” Jack considered Gray’s analysis. “But what if heisthinking of someone else. What if his action is meant to help a person other than himself but it ultimately hurts people. Is he still the bad guy?”
“That’s a good point.” Gray trailed his fingers up and down Jack’s arm. “But why does he get to be the one who chooses what’s helpful and what isn’t?” Gray curled his fingers around Jack’s. “Is it because he thinks he’s smarter than everyonearound him, including the people he’s supposedly trying to help?”
“What if it’s a matter of numbers? What if the people helped by his actions outnumber the people hurt by them?”
“Even so, my question stands. What gives him the right to be the decision maker? And what if he’s wrong?” Gray snapped to a sitting position, twisted to face Jack, and kept talking, his tone serious. “Believing that his opinion matters more than everyone else’s and failing to recognize a possibility of failure is on the extreme side of egotistical and self-absorbed and that means he’s back to de facto being the bad guy.”
No matter how much time he spent with Gray, they didn’t lack for conversation. Gray could understand and dissect the most complicated of problems, which made him the very best person for Jack to go to when he needed to talk through work issues. He was the most supportive person Jack knew, which made him the safest person to talk to about personal concerns. And his brain was always running, so he had interesting takes on whatever he saw in the world around them or about what he read or about what they watched. Jack loved engaging in esoteric discussions with Gray as much as he enjoyed the silent times they spent together.
