Page 53 of Someone to Hold
“Totally,” she says. “You saw how they picked him when we played the shower games. Luke never gets picked for a team. He should have acted like us knowing Chase was a bigger deal.”
“Why should hehaveto?” I ease down into the chair across from her. “Why are kids so mean?”
“I don’t know, but they are. I try to help him, but it’s not easy. I guess it’s gotten a little better, but next year we’ll be starting over again, and I can’t be his blankie.”
I offer her a soft smile. “Not even a corner square?” I shake my head before she can answer. “Forget I said that. You aren’t responsible for your brother.”
Luke still sleeps with the fleece blanket someone gifted the twins as babies. When he started elementary school, we battled daily over whether he could bring it with him. Finally, we compromised, and I cut a square from the worn fabric and tucked it into the front pocket of his backpack.
It’s still there. Sometimes when I volunteer, I see him wander over to his hook, unzip that pocket, and run his fingers along the fabric like he needs the comfort.
“What if we could stay in Skylark?” I ask quietly.
Laurel looks up, wide-eyed. “Can we? I don’t want to go to Albuquerque with Nana. I like it here.” She tucks her hair behind one ear. “I’ll never make friends like the ones I have in Skylark.”
“Sweetie, you’ll make friends wherever you go.” I pause. “But I’m working on a plan. I want us to stay. I’m going to try to buy Nana’s farm. Things might be tight for a while…”
She bolts from her chair and wraps her arms around my neck, climbing into my lap like she’s little again. “Please, Mommy. I want to stay so bad.”
“Oh, sweet girl…” I cradle her face in my hands and brush my thumbs across her cheeks when tears spill down them. “Why didn’t you say something when I told you Nana wanted us to move with her?”
“Because I thoughtyouwanted to, and she acted like we had to come with her.”
I want to cry right along with her. Because my brave, bold, beautiful daughter has learned from me what it looks like to stay silent to keep the peace.
“I’m grateful to Nana for everything she’s done,” I tell my daughter. “But she wants us to be happy. Daddy would want us to be happy. I think he’d love knowing you’re happy here.”
“I want to stay on the farm,” she whispers. “Do you think Nana will let you buy it? Or maybe we could just live here, like we do now?”
I’ve considered asking Linda if she’d rent the house to us until I can save up enough to buy it. But I don’t know if she’d say yes. She wants her grandkids close, and I tentatively agreed to follow her to Albuquerque, but we need a place that’s ours.
Maybe it’s finally time I stop doing what everyone else expects and start doing what’s right for us.
“Laurel, I can’t promise I’ll always be able to give you everything you want. But Idopromise to always listen. You never have to hide your feelings from me. We’ll figure this out together. And I’ll help your brother too. You’re allowed to have your own friends.”
“Thanks, Mommy,” she whispers.
We talk a little longer as I turn over the possibilities in my mind. What happens if I can’t buy the farm? Or if Chase changes his mind and decides not to step aside after all? After watching his mother mistake him for the man who once terrified her, and seeing how deeply it shook him, I get it. He needs peace and a place to start over that doesn’t carry shadows. Just like I do.
But this farm has become more than just a house for the kids and me to live in. It’s our home.
I’ve spent so long doing what’s best for everyone else. Now, for the first time in years, I feel like I’m building something that’s mine.I’ve made a life here, one where I can finally standon my own two feet. I don’t want to walk away from that. I don’t want to pull my kids from the house where they finally feel happy, or give up the flowers I planted with my own hands. They’re blooming now, and so am I.
“I’ll be nicer to Luke.” Laurel sniffs as she steps out of my arms.
“We’ll help him find his own place. He’s got a good heart, and he just needs to be around people who see him for who he really is. People who won’t make him feel like being gentle means he’s weak or weird.”
She bites her lip and turns away, like she’s holding something back.
“Remember what I said. You can tell me anything, Laurel. Even if I can’t fix it, I want to know what?—”
“Daddy used to make fun of Luke,” she blurts.
My mouth goes dry. My stomach knots and a dull pressure creeps up the back of my neck. “What do you mean?”
“He used to call Luke his little freak show to his friends because Luke was so shy and awkward. I tried to make it better, Mommy. I talked enough for both of us. But when we had to go places with him, he’d make Luke stay in the car. He’d tell people he had a daughter, but not a son.”
I can’t breathe. It’s like the air’s being sucked out of the room. A slow, cold fury settles in my chest. I want to go back in time, pull my son out of that car, and hold him tight so he never hears those words.
