Page 22 of Happy Krampus Xmas & the Meet Not Cute
“Uri is right, your relationship is the most comical I’ve ever witnessed.” Sari beams at us, light blue eyes sparkling with mirth.
I wink at him while Ollie rolls his eyes. Fifteen minutes later, we are moving to the cashier.
“This cart is overflowing with crap. Are we done here?” Ollie asks.
“Wait. We need one more thing,” I say. “Two, maybe three,” I add, grabbing more costumes.
“Fuck no!” My bestie shakes his head vigorously, taking a step back. His green eyes narrowing on me.
But I state, “This is the chopping-off-a-nut part, bestie!”
A couple of hours later, I’m in my living room surrounded by very grumpy people.
The grumpiness might be caused by the fact that they’re standing in front of the Krampus altar, wearing costumes. Wednesday seems to be the only one enjoying her cute red hornsand cape that matches the color of her eyes. She keeps flapping her black wings around like a witch dancing at a sabbath.
I’d smile at that, but I’m looking around the kitchen for an essential item. “My black lippy, has anyone seen it?”
“Your what?” Sari asks me; the white skirt of his angel costume makes ashhhsound every time he takes a step.
“My lipstick, I can’t… Oh, got it!”I can’t summon a demon again without looking my best.Maybe that’s why Krampus started haunting me. The previous, characterless evocation offended him!
I push back the heavy horns that have slipped down my forehead and start applying the final touch to my makeup. Black eyeshadow and eyeliner, red mascara, and gray blush. A little Morticia—and I look fabulous.
The furry shorts I’m wearing are a bit itchy, while the vest isn’t, inexplicably so. I couldn’t find a Krampus outfit, so I settled for a faun one, half goat, half man. This particular one is horrific, but the only furry one I could get with such short notice. The red fishnets give it a spicy twist I dig very much.
Ominous classical music is playing from my phone as I look at the satanic altar. Sari and I did our best, but we don’t have the sadistic heart a follower of demons should possess, so the effect is not that dark.
The black and gold tablecloth is covered in red splatters—strawberry syrup—that have turned the two dolls posed in odd positions on one side a tad sticky. The Grinch is on the right, smiling evilly with melted candies—accidentally left by me too close to the fireplace—on his lap, while Jack Skellington is standing on the left with knives taped to both his hands—courtesy of Gabe. In the middle there’s a frame with a pic of me and Ollie in skeleton costumes from a lifetime-ago Halloween party, to which I taped a drawing of Krampus—I might have made his long tongue reach Ollie’s groin…oops. Scattered around the tables are small bells, tiny paper skull and bone cutouts.
It kind of looks like a lame fifteen-year-old’s attempt to practice black magic to turn their ex into a toad. But it’ll have to do.
“Ollie! Hurry up!” I scream. My horn bumps one of the leather ropes hanging from the ceiling, and I swat at it.
He yells back from the bathroom, “I’m fucking coming. Peeing in this costume is a damn nightmare!”
“You are the nightmare, Satan!” I scream back, as he makes his way to the living room again.
“Do they always shout?” I hear Gabe ask KKJ, to which he responds, “It’s their way to express their love for each other.”
“Bloody get a move on!” I shout.
“You are such a butthole!” Ollie snarls at me with his arms crossed on his devil outfit-clad chest, refuting Rague’s words. The long trident he’s holding embellishes the close-fitting costume that includes a long red mantel.
“Thetightestbutthole,” I say slyly, not looking at Ollie but instead winking at Gabe. He refused to dress up, but his usual three-piece suit looks fantastic. While the dark brown fur covering my body is turning me into a boiled wiener.
“I don’t understand what we are doing here,” Rague says, looking bloody amazing in his Santa costume. He rejected thehat, and his dark curly hair doesn’t really fit with the white beard, but he’s the hottest Saint Nicholas I’ve ever seen.
“What don’t you understand?” I reply, annoyed by their negative reactions. Only Sari didn’t complain, hence the angel outfit.
“Every single thought firing inside your head,” Ollie feels the need to tell me.
“Is it becauseyourhead is only for decoration? Like a Christmas tree?” My bestie is really getting on my nerves today. I need to talk to him as soon as I resolve this nightmare.
He pinches me. “Ow!” I grab Sari’s whip from the counter and make it crack on the floor close to his red boots. Rague growls at me. Bez snarls at him.
“Quit the Neanderthal posturing!” I scold the two brothers.
“Why isn’t Gabe wearing a costume?” Ollie asks with a frown.
