Page 78 of Revelry
“So, what have you been up to?” he asked, as if casual conversation between us was normal. He nodded toward my sketchbook I’d abandoned on the bench. “I see you’re still working hard. Finding a lot of inspiration out here?”
For a moment I just stared at him, stomach still so unsettled, but finally I forced a breath and told myself to relax. This was my ex-husband, my best friend of ten years. I could get through a conversation with him, even if I hadn’t expected to have to.
“I’ve been doing a lot of things. Hiking, swimming, dancing in the kitchen.”
Keith chuckled. “That’s a sight I remember well.”
I tried to think of the last time I’d danced in our home, and I couldn’t recall a single time. But I didn’t even bother correcting him. There was no use fighting.
“And, yes, I’ve been sketching, but nothing impressive has come of it. It’s just kind of hard right now...”
My voice trailed off, because I’d already said too much. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to know that I’d been suffering, too, but I felt it—the window he’d been staring at. I’d just opened it a little wider, and he was ready to climb inside.
“I get that,” he said, rubbing his chin as his eyes fell to my feet. “I’ve been a complete mess. I miss you so much, Wren.”
His voice choked a little on my name and I swallowed hard, fighting back my own emotions. He glanced up at me, asking me for something I couldn’t give, but I at least owed him the truth.
“I miss you, too.”
It was true, and he needed to hear it. Surprisingly, it made me feel better to say it, and a small fraction of the weight crushing my chest was lifted.
“Nothing makes sense without you. I can barely eat, barely sleep. And yet I see you posting pictures online of you with your new friends out here, drinking beer and having picnics.”
He was referring to the pig roast, and I remembered why I wanted to block him on social media. It felt weird to do, and I had wanted us to remain friends, but if I was being honest with myself I knew that would never happen. He saw what I’d posted as me “moving on” and being just fine.
“I’ve loved every minute here,” I answered him truthfully. “The good times with the people I’ve met and also the hard times with just me alone. Yes, I’ve had fun. But I’ve also been miserable.” I swallowed. “This is just as hard on me as it is on you. Our entire lives are in upheaval. It would be weird for either of us to be fine.”
He nodded. “So you think about me, too?”
I debated how to answer that question, but I’d been truthful and that felt like the right way to be. So, I answered honestly with a shaky breath and a threat of tears tightening my throat. “Every day.”
“Then come home.”
And there it was.
I closed my eyes, the tiniest shake of my head answer enough for both of us but he waited for words. “Don’t do this, Keith.”
“Do what?” he asked, voice desperate as he stepped toward me. I backed up just an inch, just enough to let him know it wasn’t okay to come closer. “Look at us. I know you still love me. And you just said you miss me, that you think of me. So why are you putting us through this? We can work on our marriage. We can make this right.”
“Our marriage ended seven months ago,” I reminded him. “And you know why I’mputting us through this.”
“This doesn’t make any sense!” he yelled, eyes wide. “It’s all so stupid. It’s easy to fix. I’ll be more supportive, I know your business is important to you. And I’ll go to anger management. We can do counseling.”
“Wedidcounseling!”
“Why won’t you just try?!”
“I TRIED FOR YEARS!” I screamed, chest burning. I couldn’t control it anymore, I couldn’t hold it back. “I tried on the nights you went to bed without touching me. I tried on the days you told me my dreams were justhobbies. I tried when your eyes judged me in a room of wives you wished I was more like. For years I tried to reach you, tried to make it work, and it was never enough for you. No matter how I changed, no matter what I did to earn your love. It came with conditions, Keith, and ones that I’d never meet. I gave and gave and gave until I reached the point where if I gave any more, I’d lose myself.”
Keith rolled his eyes. “Stop being so dramatic. You make it sound like I beat you. So we had issues, every couple does.”
I pressed my fingers into my temples, because it was the same argument we’d had time after time after time. I could recite it before it’d even happened—what I would say, how he would respond, how I would feel when he left. But this time I chose not to engage, because the truth of the matter was that I didn’t have to anymore.
“You should go, Keith.”
The sun had faded behind the clouds again, casting Keith in a soft gray as his nose flared.
“You are just the most selfish woman I have ever known,” he said, only this time it didn’t hurt. I’d heard it so many times from him, the words were like liquid bullets now.
