Page 71 of Revelry
Guilt and panic surged as high as the water. I was drowning, suffocating from the threat of death’s hands around my neck again. Wren was almost to me now and I wasn’t far enough into the river to stop her from floating past.
The current was strong and I gritted against the pressure of it, boots grasping for friction on the rocks below as I fought through my demons to fight for life. Her head went under as she floated past me and I growled, lunging.
I reached out as far as I could and squinted against the sun, vision blurred from the water and the rays. Just when the river hit the bottom of my chest I caught her by the ankle, ripping her back upstream until I held her in my arms.
She wrapped around me, coughing over my shoulder as I trudged back to the shore.
She held on tight and I did, too—both of us adjusting and readjusting our grips like we were afraid even one inch of separation would lead to our demise. And though I had her and I knew she was safe, I was still shaking, heart thumping so hard against my ribs it nearly knocked my breath away.
When we hit the shore, I tried to calm myself, tried to take a breath, a moment, even a splitsecondto think before I spoke, but I couldn’t. I dropped her gently to her feet, still coughing, and held her small face between my hands.
“Are you okay?” I asked, voice too high-pitched, hands shaking as I held her.
She nodded, eyes wide and lips trembling, and though I wanted to pull her into me and rock her and soothe her, I couldn’t.
I snapped.
“Jesus Christ, Wren, what were you thinking?!”
I dropped my hands from her face and ran them back through my wet hair, pacing away from her as my entire body shook. With what, I wasn’t sure—cold, terror, rage, a mixture of the three, maybe.
“I,” she started, still shivering. She looked so small, dripping wet and crossing her arms over her middle. “I lost control of the tube. The rocks, they—”
“I know! I saw!” My nose flared, fists clenched together at my sides so hard I thought they’d never unfurl again. “Why were you on the river by yourself? It’s dangerous. It’sstupid.”
“I just wanted to float, I didn’t know,” she started and I clamped my mouth shut, jaw clenching as I stormed past her and up to where my shirt was thrown over my toolbox. Her face screwed up in confusion as she followed. “What is your problem? I’m sorry, okay? It’s not like I meant to fall in the river.”
“You shouldn’t have been out there at all, not alone.”
“Okay, well I was, and I’m sorry. Can we drop it now?” She was panting, catching up to me just as I swiped my shirt off the back of my box and threw it on over my head.
“No! We can’t fucking drop it!”
Wren’s mouth popped open, her eyes flicking between mine like she didn’t know who I was. And in that moment I couldn’t blame her. My body had been seized by terror, my mind pirated by the ghosts of my past.
“What’s this really about?” she asked, taking a small step toward me. I took an even bigger one back and she paused again. “Is this about last night?”
“No, it’s about right now. It’s about you putting yourself in danger and not eventhinkingabout what you were doing.”
“Oh my God, Anderson, I said I’m sorry! It’s not like I took Benjamin with me or something, it was just me. I was the only one affected by the choice, okay?”
“Are you really that selfish?!” I screamed, chest heaving, and the way her face dropped pulled me back to reality.
I’d gone too far, and I knew it before I even went there. I just had no idea how to control myself.
I sighed, shaking my head and plopping down on the cutting log I’d been using.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. I just...” How did I tell her why I was acting this way? How could I say the words that would show her the monster I really was?
We were silent, me sitting with my head in my hands and her standing just three feet away from me, legs shivering, water still dripping down to the ground.
“What are we doing?” she asked after a moment, voice soft.
My heart stopped and I looked up at her. The dejection I found on her face, the hopelessness, it was enough to make me jump to my feet again.
“I’m sorry—” I tried, but she cut me off before the apology had a chance to be born.
“No, seriously. I mean you’re right,” she said with a laugh. “Everyone is right. Iamselfish. I only think about myself. Why do you even want to be around me?”
