Page 59 of A Love Letter to Whiske
I sort of danced my way back to my desk, full from the sandwich and the love from my new team. I had a job — arealjob — and I’d earned it. Nothing could bring me down.
But when I sat back in my chair and grabbed my phone to text Mom, I remembered the phone call I’d be having in just a few short hours. With Jamie.
And I’d have to tell him I’m staying in the city.
I DECIDED TO PICK UPa nice bottle of whiskey on my way home.
I was celebrating, after all — even if a part of me didn’t feel like it, knowing the phone conversation I’d be having soon. After the high recommendation from the liquor store owner, I ended up with a bottle of Whipper Snapper Project Q. It was an Australian whiskey, one I’d never tried or even heard of before, and I liked the name of it. It reminded me of what my dad’s dad used to call me when I was younger, especially when I was being smart with him. I’d paid way too much for it, and like the bad ass I convinced myself I was, I poured it neat. Then, I sat down on my small couch with the nighttime view of Market Square and dialed Jamie’s number.
I took my first sip as the phone rang, and though the whiskey burned, it was surprisingly smooth. I hissed a breath through my teeth, but knew that after that first glass, it’d be easy as water to drink.
“B?”
There was a hint of desperation in his voice, and it warmed my heart.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
He blew out a breath, long and steady, and then he started speaking. “Okay, I just need you to sit there and listen to me for a minute, okay? I know you’re scared of us, of what we’ve been in the past and what we might not be in the future. I know you’re standing on your own for the first time and you’re proud of that, hell I’m proud of that too, but I can stand with you.”
“Jamie—”
“And I know long distance freaks you out, but we’ve made it through the summer practicallyasa long distance couple, even if we didn’t title it that.” I couldn’t argue that point, but still — was it the fact that the pressure of a title wasn’t there that allowed us to survive? “I’ve been thinking. Your internship is almost over, and I’ve been looking at some publishing places in Miami. A lot of them are hiring, and you have experience now. Your classes are online, B. You could come home, we could be together.”
“Jamie, I—”
“No, just let me finish. I know this is a lot to ask. You don’t owe me anything, and the fact that I’m asking you to uproot yourself and move back for me is selfish as fuck. But I realized last time you walked away from me, I didn’t ask you anything at all. So this time, I’m putting it out there — I’m letting you know what I want. I wantyou.I want you to move back, hell to movein.” He laughed, and I could feel his bright smile through the phone. It only tore my heart into yet another piece. “It doesn’t have to be complicated. We can do this, B.”
“I’m staying.”
“Jenna’s here, too. And your mom. And—”
“Jamie, I’m staying in Pittsburgh,” I said louder. “They offered me a full-time job. Today.”
Silence fell between us, and I picked up my glass slowly, taking another longer pull of the whiskey.
“Okay,” he breathed the word out slowly. “That’s okay. We can see each other once a month, take turns flying, and eventually we’ll figure it out.”
“It doesn’t work like that,” my voice broke with the words. “You have your dad’s firm there. And I have my life here.” Life was a little strong of a word, considering workwasmy life in Pittsburgh, but I’d moved to the city with a fire in my eyes and I was already making a name for myself. Thinking about complicating that with a long-distance relationship gave me hives, and hearing him say “eventually we’ll figure it out” didn’t help. What did that mean? We both knew he was never leaving his dad’s firm, which meant that he expected me to “eventually figure it out” and move back home.
“That doesn’t mean we can’t have a life together, too.”
I paused a beat, heart breaking a little at how wrong he was. “But it kind of does, Jamie. It all sounds so easy when you say it over the phone, but a long-distance relationship is hard. It’s complicated and messy and neither of us needs that right now, not when we’re both just getting started in our careers. It’s just not the right time for us…” I shook my head. “It’s never the right time.”
There was a sigh on the other end, and I felt the time stretch between us before Jamie spoke again. When he did, his voice was lower, defeated, and the sound of it nearly made me drop my glass.
“That’s not fair. You don’t understand this, B — any of it. When you left Alder, you got to leave it all behind — the places we went, the memories we made. But I lived there. Without you. For threeyears.” He paused. “And then, when I found you again, everything seemed right. The timing, the way we both felt. I finally got an answer from you, why you stayed away all those years, and I got it, B — I really did. I understood. You were broken from your father’s death and you needed time and space. I gave that to you. Happily. I didn’t know if I’d ever have you again but I didn’t care because I knew what you needed from me.”
My eyes welled as I thought of that time in my life. I remembered feeling so torn, wanting to stay at Alder and knowing that I couldn’t. Jamie loved me enough back then to let me bring him down with me, and I’d never understand how he could still love me after.
“But now, you’re telling me it’s still not there — it’s still not the right time. You couldn’t be with me when you were broken, and now that you’re standing on your own, youstillcan’t be with me. So if I can’t have you at your worst, and I can’t have you at your best, then when do I get you, B? When does the timing line up for you to stop fighting what we have between us and just let me in?”
A sob cracked in my throat and I cleared it, sniffling as I took another drink. I didn’t know what to say. In a way, he was right — it wasn’t fair. But it also wasn’t as easy as just pointing a finger to a time and place in my life and saying, “There! That’s the time I’ll be ready.” His nonchalance over it all rubbed me wrong, and I took another long pull of whiskey, realizing Jamie hadn’t really ever seemed like he believed I’d make it and end up staying in Pittsburgh. He thought it was temporary, like me being in the city was inconveniencing him andhisplans.
I loved Jamie, I always had, but we couldn’t do long distance. I couldn’t be the woman he needed me to be from thousands of miles away, when I had a job of my own and goals to fight for. I knew what he wanted, what he’d always wanted — a wife, a house full of kids. Maybe one day I’d want those things, too. But that day wasn’t today.
And that’s when I remembered what he asked me for that night we found each other again.
“What happened to one day?” I asked in a whisper.
