Page 91 of The Duke's Spinster Bride
His blue eyes were nearly black in the fire light. Outside thunder boomed and lightning flashed. The sound nearly drowned out the rhythm of her heart as it hammered against her ribs.
“Why should I?” she breathed.
“Because I love you!” He shouted.
She jerked her head away from him, shaking herself. “You do not mean that. You cannot mean that.”
His fingers slid from her arms and he ran a hand through his wet hair. “Why not? Why do you doubt it?”
“You let me leave, Frederick. You told me I was a mistake and then you let me leave. How can you expect me to believe that you love me?” She chewed on her bottom lip.You broke my heart.
“Because it is the truth.” He stepped towards her, his hand over his heart. “I love you, Andrea. I love you so much that I feel like my heart will wring itself from my chest if it cannot beat in time with yours. I love you so much it scares me. No, it terrifies me.”
Her breath caught. Some part of her screamed at her to look away. But another part was desperate to believe him.
“When I said this was a mistake, I was not talking about loving you. I was not even speaking about being with you. I was talking about letting myself love you. I was speaking from a place of fear.” Frederick drew in a shaky breath, his eyes taking on a far away look. “I told you that my mother died when I was eleven. My father loved her more than anything else in this world.”
She saw his fingers clench into a fist. The memory of his fear when she had been thrown from the carriage filled her mind. Rain spattered against the window, and she felt herself reaching for his hand, stopping herself and curling it against her chest.
“The sound of his screams still haunts me. In the days after he found her body, he was like a dead man. His eyes were hollow. He stopped eating, barely spoke to me. Whenever he did, he would cry and hold me close, tell me that to love someone was to lose.” He let out a bitter laugh. “He made me believe that love would always end in pain. And I… I thought he was right.”
He met her gaze and Andrea saw the depth of pain in his eyes. It twisted in her heart like a knife. Her bottom lip trembled, but her legs were rooted to the spot.
“He is the reason I am so bright and airy with people. Whenever I tried to talk to him about my mother, whenever I was anything but happy and full of joy, he would send me away. He was the only parent I had left, and the thought of being alone… It terrified me.” Frederick’s shoulders sagged.
In that moment, she could see the small child that he had been. She could imagine a scared boy, who had just lost his mother, looking to his father for comfort and finding none. She could picture a child who was scared and alone, being pushed away unless he was happy. Her heart broke for him.
She took a step towards him.
“I thought it was love that destroyed him, Andrea. That was what he told me. But I was wrong.” He looked into her eyes, his gaze pinning her in place. “It was the absence of it.”
“What are you saying?” Her voice was little more than a whisper.
“I am saying that the thought of losing you is enough to drive me to despair. That a world without you in it seems like a world without colour.” He closed the distance between them, the smell of amber mingled with rain water. “That terrifies me, because who could survive that kind of pain?” He took a shaky breath. “But I am willing to risk it. For you.”
Andrea swallowed unsure what to say, but Frederick seemed undeterred. “I love you with every part of my body and soul, and I would rather risk being destroyed by that love, than spend another second apart from you.”
“But you said…”
“I know what I said. And I was an idiot.” He took her hand in his and held it to his chest. His skin was warm, even though it was slick with rain water. The warmth spread through her fingertips, travelling through her arm to her chest.
“My heart beats for you. And you alone.” He held her hand to his chest, the beat of his heart a steady rhythm against her fingers. “I am sorry for everything that I said. I do not expect you to forgive me, but I could not let you go. Not without a fight. I want you in my life, I want to grow old with you.”
“What about children?” Andrea forced herself to ask.
“I want to be with you. Whether or not you wish to have children with me.” Frederick gave her a small, sad smile. “I know I was unkind when you raised your concerns, it was just hard to think you did not want a child with me.”
“What?” Andrea’s eyes widened and she stepped away from him, her hand slipping from his chest.
“It is okay, really, Andrea, I understand. It is not like I have behaved in a way that would make you feel that I am worthy of fathering a child with you.” Frederick swallowed.
“Frederick, the reason I do not want a child is nothing to do with you.” She shook her head, fingers tapping against her thigh,
“What?” he gaped at her.
“I thought I did not want a child because… Because I thought I was unworthy of that kind of love, of your love. And because childbirth… It terrifies me.” Andrea felt a familiar vice squeeze her chest and rubbed at it absently. “My father told me I was the reason my mother died, that my birth ruined his life.”
“Your father is an idiot.” Frederick’s eyes darkened with menacing hate as he let out an angry growl.
