Page 60 of The Duke's Spinster Bride
Please, wake up. Wake up my love. Come back to me.His father’s sobs filled him as the memory of standing in the rain watching him fall to pieces played over and over. His father clutching his mother’s body to him. The way he had wept and screamed and raged.
The remembered smell of mud and blood and rain mingled with the comforting scent of Andrea’s perfume. He felt something warm touch his face as Andrea wiped away tears he had not realised were there.
“When you suggested riding out to Cecily’s… That was all I could think of. It filled me with such a deep panic, I could scarcely breathe,” he went on. “But I… I should not have lost control like that. I should have calmed myself and explained and-”
Andrea cut him off. “No. This is not your fault.”
ChapterNineteen
Andrea still held his face in her hands, the tears in his eyes shattering her heart into pieces. Her voice broke as a lump formed in her throat, but she did not care.How can he think he is to blame? I am the one who acted like a prize idiot.
Andrea shook her head, her eyes finding his dark blue ones. There was a far away look in them, their complex shades going sad and distant. She could smell his amber cologne mingling with the iron tang of blood and mud.
He is hurt because of me. And yet instead of being angry, he blames himself.His hand was still resting on her leg, and the warmth of it spread through her.When has anyone touched me with such care and tenderness?
Her eyes were fierce as she leaned towards him. “None of this was your fault. I was the one who tore off, simply because I thought you were trying to control me. If I had taken a moment to think, to perhaps ask… Well… This is not your fault. And I will not have you take this upon yourself.”
His eyes widened and he opened his mouth to protest, but she continued speaking before he could say another word. “If I had known about your mother, I… It does not matter. I understand now why you were so upset at the thought of me making that journey.”
She let out a shaky breath and let her eyes drop from his face. Moving backwards, she pulled his arm towards her and applied salve to the gash in Frederick’s skin. He did not let out a hiss, though Andrea knew from experience the sensation was a painful one.
“I do not want anything to happen to you.” Frederick muttered, his voice small.
She glanced up in time to see him bite his bottom lip and then shake his head. “When I saw you fall from the carriage, I feared the worst.”
Andrea could hear his cry in her head. His voice strangled with what at the time, she had thought was rage, but now realised was fear. She put a hand to her chest, her heart pounding as though desperate to be released.I did that to him.
“But I am safe. Well, my ankle is a little sore, but that is hardly the worst thing in the world.” She squeezed his shoulder gently. “I cannot imagine how hard it would have been to find your mother like that. Especially when you were so young.”
What would it be like to discover your own mother’s dead body? In her mind, she pictured a young Frederick, eyes bright with hope and excitement, standing in shallow water, staring at the dead body of his mother.
Is it worse to know your mother and lose her? Or to have her die before you ever get the chance?Her chest tightened and she let out a shaky breath.
“I miss her still. Is that not strange? After all these years, I still feel her absence.” Frederick shook his head and pulled his knees to his chest. “Some days, I can scarcely remember what she looked like, others, I can picture her as easily as my own hand. It is… It is the smell of her that stays with me. She always smelled like honey and lilacs.”
“She sounds like a wonderful woman.” Andrea swallowed, and felt tears prick her eyes.
Hastily, she turned away from Frederick, not wanting him to notice.This is about him, not me.She felt him shift beside her, and a moment later, his fingers caught her chin, pulling her towards him.
“I did not mean to upset you. I am okay, really. It was a long time ago.” He smiled at her, but she could see the pain beneath it.
“You have not upset me. And you do not have to lie to me and tell me you are all right when obviously it still hurts you.” Andrea grit her teeth, trying to keep the tears from falling. “I am glad you told me. You should not have to keep such things to yourself. And now… Well, I can keep it in mind when I plan to venture out from the estate.”
“But you are crying.” He canted his head towards her, brow furrowed.
“I am just being silly. Your mother was important to you, and it is clear how much you cared for her, how much you miss her. And when you talked about not remembering her and then the way she smelled. I… It does not matter.” Andrea wiped her face with one of the cloths.I am jealous, jealous that he got to know his mother. There is something horribly wrong with me.
She felt Frederick shift beside her, sensing him taking care not to jostle her ankle. The shame in her chest spread over her. Here was her husband, showing her nothing but kindness, opening up to her about his pain—pain that she had put him through again. And all she could do was be jealous.
You are defective.Her father’s words echoed in her mind.
I do not deserve Frederick.Her heart sank at the realisation.
“Please, tell me what has upset you.” His voice was soft, as though talking to a horse that he feared might startle and flee at any moment. “Perhaps I can help.”
“I fear if I tell you, you will think very little of me.” Andrea choked, the words falling from her mouth before she could stop them.
“I doubt that.” His voice was soft. “After all, you have just seen me fall to pieces over something that happened well over a decade ago. And I hope… I hope you do not think less of me.”
