Page 104 of Every Bit As Perfect
Daire had left early, his mouth brushing across mine on his way out to get his laps in before school, the routine laid out by the swim team his to follow alone now.
Rolling over required a gargantuan effort but I successfully achieved my objective, which was to reach my cell and fire off a text to my parents letting them know I would not be going in to work today.
I closed my eyes but the mood on the inside was no better and offered no escape.
Stunned by the sudden onslaught of crushing distress, I stared blankly at the ceiling.Much like I’d done for days on end right after we lost him.
Guilty tears leaked from the corners of my eyes, dampening the hair at my temples.
Guilty because my life was coming together, and his was irrevocably lost.
And I hadn’t once thought about saving a chair for him in weeks.
Weeks.
Not once had I imagined him coming around the corner.
Not once had I spoken to him.
I was losing him all over again.But it felt like I was truly losing him for the first time.
Forgetting to save his place was the first step in forgetting him.He was slipping into my past, and his death had become a very real piece of my present reality.
Every day from now on would be a death-day, walk the bluffs, scream his loss and my regret into the wind day, a never-ending cycle of grief and regret punctuated by the bitter taste of sorrow, the heavy burden of guilt, and a heartbreaking, impossible yearning to turn back the clock.
Unlike the last time this happened, there was no numbness.
My tears flowed as my heart, lacerated by reality, bled out.
My eyes flickered around my room.
Daire’s candles.His clothes folded neatly over the chair, mine on the floor.
The bed rumpled from our lovemaking the night before.
Faint marks on my wrists, a testament to the beauty he gave me.
Light filtering through the window.
Life, and love, and a future Hunter didn’t have because of my selfishness in weaseling my way out of an errand I didn’t want to run in favor of hanging out with Noelle.
Christine’s compassionate eyes flitted through my brain.My soul cried out for the comfort of her embrace, but I mentally pushed her away.
She offered compassion I hadn’t earned and didn’t deserve.
Oh, God!
Bile rose in my throat.
Was I actually feeling sorry for myself?
My hand came up of its own volition and I slapped myself across the face.
Hard.
The shock of it elicited a harsh sob, but somehow also leant a modicum of relief.I raised my hand to do it again only to put it back down.
There was no relief for Hunter.
