Page 5 of The Circle of Exile
Iram looked down at the board. No space left. She turned the board sideways, like Abba used to do when writing inland letters when she was a child.Abba.He had taught her how to write a letter, made her practise her address for her school letter-writing assignment. Abba must have taught her how to write words. Alphabets too.
Abba.
His name did not make her feel depleted. She perked up. That was a win, wasn't it? He had been her father all her life, as much as she remembered. Nothing wrong with acknowledging that.Yes? Yes.Iram felt a strange fizz bloom inside her. A strange… spark of peace.Yes,her giddy chest shook.Yes. Yes. Abba.Aamir Haider had been Abba. Whatever his intentions, whatever the compulsions, whatever his misdemeanours, he had been Abba.This too shall pass, Jannat.Tears blinded her eyes but she let that voice reverberate inside her ears.
This too shall pass.
But we will remain, Iram.
Iram wiped her eye on her shoulder and read her last sentence.
But can it be so that my haven still waits for me?
She continued on the margin.
That the lotuses I plucked left their roots in you?
She turned the board again, suddenly heaving — with fear or excitement, she didn’t know. She wanted to write. More. She needed to write more. The thought of lotuses did not make her want to black out. Or skip. Or skim.
So one morning if I come knocking at your door
She turned the board again.
Knowing that you will still be plagued by sleep
And again she turned, writing under the already crammed lines, feeling lighter and lighter, like her feet had hit rock bottom of Kishanganga and she was floating up.Up, up, up —
Knowing that you won't be dreaming of me
But a rectangle was made of four sides and all of them had been used now. Her eyes roved the space of the entire board, seeing it filled with tiny white lines — no space left. And so that last line remained in the hollow of her chest, screaming quietly.
Please, for the woman you once knew, open the door. And see me.
That scream echoed inside her.
The scream felt sweet inside her.
Her heart began to race.What would it be like?Did she want to find out? Would he be waiting just like that? Angry, torn, aggrieved. He must have searched for her. Turned heaven and hell over to find her. Whatever her misgivings, he would have tore the land apart… did she want to walk back? Face him? His wrath? His grief?
Her racing heart silenced. But this time, she did not let it go completely cold.
Did she want to peep? She asked herself.
Iram took a deep breath and swallowed the telltale fear that always accompanied the thought of turning back and seeing the carnage that she had left behind.
Him. Atharva. The man who was hers without any reason.
A dry sob left her lips.
Was she ready?
Was she his again?
Was shehersagain?
Iram. Iram Haider. Iram Kaul. Myani zuv.
Zuv.
