Page 55 of The Circle of Exile
“Now tell me, how have you been?”
“I am goo…” she began to lie. Then stopped. She couldn’t reveal most things but she had to reveal the main thing — the helplessness inside her. There was no out otherwise. “Not good.”
Atharva’s eyes heated the side of her face.
“That’s good,” Dr. Baig remarked. “Right answer. If you don’t feel good, say it. Remember our pregnancy rules? Honest answers.”
“Yes.”
“Good. I will not ask you where you have been. But were you in a safe and sanitary environment?”
The mountains. Kishanganga. Water everywhere. Blood. Iram swallowed the lump. She had the good sense to carry her bag with postpartum supplies to maintain sanitation. And then, Mehrunisa had been there.
“Yes.”
“Ok. We will run a checkup. Let’s finish that and then we can talk about your concerns about breastfeeding, hmm? Come.”
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“And why aren’t you latching?” Dr. Baig tapped her son’s chin, making him open his mouth wide. She smiled at him, cradling him in one arm just as effortlessly as Atharva had. Iram sat fidgeting as she played with him and his little toy. “Show me your gummies?” She tickled his chin, making him chortle. He was completely ok with strangers. It was just her.
“There you go, strong and pretty.”
Dr. Baig looked up at them — “You can take Dr. Shankar’s opinion on this but I think he is fine to breastfeed. The only issue is, he never learnt to latch onto a breast. A baby has to work to get his milk from his mother’s breast. He learns that on day 1 of his birth. For him, that learning never started. So it’s going to be an uphill battle to make it happen.”
“Is it worth it?” Atharva asked. “I mean… he is fine on formula, and Iram is…”
“Iram?” Dr. Baig pushed her. They had spoken at length during the checkup about her milk trickling dry. She had asked her to talk openly about the same with her husband.
“My milk is trickling dry but it has not stoppedcompletely.”
“And that’s the good news. With the right stimulation, it can flow again. Milk is demand and supply. Because you kept expressing, it kept flowing. Now, for you, I would suggest three things.”
Iram sat up.
“Not just you, Iram. Both of you have to do it.”
She glanced at Atharva.
“Actually, all three of you. It’s not latching your son onto your breastmilk. It’s a triad. A three-person emotional recalibration.”
Iram opened her mouth, already dreading what was going to come.
“Kaul sahab, you have been your son’s primary caregiver. And this sudden transition to handing him over to his mother can feel like a vulnerable territory, like you are giving up, like there is another person competing for your child’s attention…”
“I don’t feel that.”
“Not consciously, but it’s natural to feel it; that’s what I am saying. If you feel it, let it come and go. Don’t hold onto it.”
He nodded. Iram glanced at his demeanour. Maybe he wasn’t showing it, but there were moments when he did look possessive about Yathaarth.
“We are going to work on three things here. One — mechanical stimulation. That means pumping very frequently. Even if he is not hungry, pump a bottle so that your milk ducts get flowing again, Iram. Second is skin-to-skin contact. Remember how he was soothed only when he was laid on your skin in the NICU, Kaul sahab?”
Iram opened her senses and absorbed that piece of information.
“That’s when he connected with you. Felt you, remembered you, made the connection that you are his safe place. He needs to make that connection with his mother now. No need to be scared if he cries, Iram. The more you fear, the more he will cry,” Dr. Baig cooed, her voice so soft even when she was saying such sombre, solemn things. “Strip him to his diaper, get yourself as bare for him as possible, and then feed. Relax your body, mind and muscles. Babies pick up on tension before they do on sounds and colours. You say he has been crying every time he looks at you. Maybe he is not crying because of you but because of the emotions you are bringing close to him. Start meditation again. Start a low-intensity physical activity. Like walking. You always liked walking, so you can pick it up easily. Listen to good music while you feed. Eat well before. Always eat well. And I want you to drink copious amounts of water. I will hand over a diet chart because you have lost a lot of weight in a very short time.”
Iram felt nauseous. How would she eat? She didn’t even feel like drinking water.
