Page 199 of The Circle of Exile
“Weren’t you two together? Didn’t you cry and stick yourself to his bedside for months after his accident?”
“He recovered then.”
“Amaal.”
“I am serious.”
“So am I. Did he say he did not want to get married?”
“No.”
Iram’s eyes widened. She had expected that answer to be yes.
“That means he wants to get married?”
Amaal opened her mouth and let out a breath of condensation. Winter outside as well as inside her mouth, thanks to the kulfi.
“Samar is not a man I can live with.”
“But you love him.”
“He is good to love from afar. You saw how he is. That can be acceptable once, twice, maybe three times. As friends from afar, you can even forgive that behaviour. But living a lifetime with that? I know where he comes from, I see his habits, his shortcomings, his compulsions, even his suffering. I can accept all of that. Today, I know I will be able to live with it because love is young and everything is rosy. But Iram, we get bored of a phone within a month. Nothing is novel forever. And when novelty wears off, I do not want to scream back at him after his nonsense. I don’t want it to become a daily ritual between us. It’s not cute every time.”
“Did you tell him all this?”
She shook her head.
“Why?”
“That man lives on the precipice of guilt and self-loathing. You want me to add onto it?”
“But if you are not committing to him then it’s anyway adding onto it.”
“It’s not as if he has asked me to commit.”
“You just said he wants to get married.”
“He has just spoken about settling. Believe it or not, he is planning to settle here in Shimla.”
“Of course he is, he is the President of HDP and basically its founder.”
“Not for that.”
They stopped, staring at each other.
Iram’s eyes widened — “You can’t be serious. For us?”
Amaal nodded. “Professionally, they are going through a tough time. I know Samar can be a selfish, smug asshole and sometimes heisthat to Atharva. The ego wars are real. But I also know that he cannot survive without Atharva.”
Like a parasite,Iram thought to herself.
“As I said, he has talked about getting a house here. He can’t buy because he doesn’t hold a domicile but his plans are elaborate.”
“And he is discussing them with you, which means he is seeing you in them. Ask him, Amaal. And then talk to him.”
“What’s the hurry?”
“Trust me, time passes in a blink. Now, when I look at the years I spent in our home in Srinagar, I feel like they were as short as a few weeks. I did not appreciate our home enough. I did not appreciate the Atharva I got in that home enough. I didn’t appreciate my home enough. Things pass, Amaal. You have seen things pass us by. Don’t wait. If he is in the right space, talk it out. Whatever the outcome may be — marry or don’t, that is your decision. And yes, I agree with you. Some behaviours are acceptable momentarily but not as a habit. But it was you who told me once that in work, like in any relationship, you have to accept the bad with the good. But until you tell him that’s your hurdle to him, you won’t know if he is ready to cross it for you.”
