Page 48 of Overachiever
“I was before all of this.” I sigh and tuck my feet beneath me. “At least, I thought I was.”
“You were comfortable,” she suggests. “In control.”
“Maybe.”
“You’re never going to be able to control everything. You just have to go with it. When you decide you’re ready for a relationship, you work to find a balance that lets it fit in your life. If you want it badly enough.”
“I need to piss!” Marty yells from the bedroom.
Zara presses her palm to her face. “Do you think we’d face charges if we just dumped him on a street corner?”
The next week passes far more quickly, and my head is a jumble of indecision. Owen has done as I asked and not texted or called me until today. The text letting me know they’re on their way back sends my heart to my throat.
Without giving it a second thought, I make a quick call to my mom to see if I can visit. It’s not running, I tell myself, as I pack and get ready to spend a few days in Illinois. I’m not running. I’m visiting my family before school starts.
* * *
It’s funny how nothing seems to change here but it still somehow looks smaller. A well maintained lawn rolls up to meet the modest ranch style house where I grew up. The same bushes line the front windows and the stone angel statue by the porch steps is every bit as creepy as I remember.
It’s not been a year since my last visit, but for the first time I realize it doesn’t feel like home anymore. Something changed. I guess it’s me.
“Mom?” I call, stepping inside.
“In the kitchen!”
The smell of garlic grows stronger and makes my mouth water when I join her. “That smells good.”
“Lasagna just came out of the oven.” She wraps me in a brief hug. “It’s good to see you. You’ve gained some weight.”
Mentally rolling my eyes, I bite back a retort. “Good to see you too.”
“I’m sorry we can’t spend more time together but I have a late shift tonight.” Her shifts as an emergency room nurse have always been chaotic.
“That’s okay. I just wanted to visit before school starts back up, and I won’t be able to get away.”
Mom sets a plate of lasagna on either side of the platter of garlic bread in the center of the small island. After adding two glasses of water, she sits across from me. “Are you keeping your grades up?”
It’s one of the main two questions I’ve come to expect, and after I assure her my grade point average hasn’t dropped, the second inquiry is right behind it. “Staying away from the boys?”
Boys. Like I’m still twelve years old. I’ve spent most of my life trying to please her, trying not to have her look at me the way she did my sister. “I was seeing someone for a while, but it wasn’t serious.”
Her gaze leaps to mine at my unexpected response. “It doesn’t have to be serious to mess things up. You know what can happen.”
Yeah, you could make one mistake as a teenager and lose everything. One job loss could leave you alone and desperate with two girls to raise. I’ve heard it for years and walked that line of vigilance to avoid ever making a mistake. It’s exhausting, and for the first time I’m starting to wonder if living on that edge is healthy. If it’s living at all. What’s the point in everything being right and perfect if it makes you miserable?
“Mom, why didn’t you ever date after Dad left?”
It’s a question I’ve always wanted to ask but never dared.
Her lips purse. “I had more important things to worry about. You girls to raise.”
“What about now?”
“I don’t need a man coming in and screwing things up. My life is peaceful and predictable.” She sighs and shakes her head, picking at her food. “You haven’t experienced how much turmoil relationships can cause, Remee. They come in like a tornado, rip everything apart and leave you to clean up the mess.”
Owen did rip my life apart, but not in the negative way she’s referring to. He made me aware of how it felt to want to be with someone every day. He’s making me rethink the ideas I’ve lived by and whether my life plan might just be a map to misery.
Look at Mom. She says she’s fine, but she’s alone here. She wants peace and predictability. Isn’t that what I’ve been striving for too? A stable career, no emotional ties to someone who might distract me from that goal then someday decide to toss me aside because I screwed up.
