Page 45 of Tucker
Leahtold me that grief happens in stages and I need to let myself feel whatever Ifeel, but she doesn’t understand. I’m mourning my wife who I haven’t spoken toin years at the same time I’m struggling to accept that I can’t have Leah theway I want either.
Somepeople are meant to be alone. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, just stating afact. Living here in this beautiful place, having food to eat and water todrink. A good job and good friends. It’s more than I deserve and I think,eventually, I can be content with that.
Leahhas moved on and done well. I haven’t asked whether she’s seeing someonebecause I’m afraid to know the answer. It doesn’t matter anyway. She’s youngand she has her whole life ahead of her. After today. The funeral is today andI need her.
“Tucker?Are you ready?” she asks, entering the living room. She’s wearing a simpleblack dress and her hair is up, making her look so young.
“Yeah,”I grunt. Like me, Kathi’s family isn’t religious, so the funeral is being heldgraveside instead of in a church.
Kathididn’t have much family and the friends she had have long ago given up visitingor keeping up with her situation so I’m not surprised to see a very small groupof people gathered when we arrive. It sucks. She deserves so much better.
Afew rows of chairs have been set up on the lawn beside the coffin that isresting above the grave. I’m a little relieved her mother, Gloria, opted for aclosed casket. I don’t want to remember her this way. Gloria shoots me ahateful look when Leah and I take a seat in the back row.
Inotice Leah is careful not to touch me or do anything that would seeminappropriate, like I’ve brought a girlfriend to my wife’s funeral. My mind isa million miles away when Leah whispers, “Uh…Tucker. I swear I didn’t tellanyone, but…” She gestures to our right.
Dare,Ayda, Justus, Sadie, Jeremy, and Zoe walk toward us. I don’t get a chance toask how they knew we were here because the officiant steps to the front andbegins to talk. Justus clamps a hand on my shoulder before sitting beside me,and the rest take a seat as well.
Idon’t know what he says. It’s like someone stuffed my ears with cotton and allI can do is stare at the coffin which holds the first woman I ever loved. Theonly until Leah. Because no matter how much I’d like to deny it, I also lovethe woman sitting beside me. I feel hollowed out, as if the only emotions thatexist in my world are guilt, regret, and grief.
Irun all the good times Kathi and I had through my head and realize it’s gettingharder to remember them. I don’t really remember her voice anymore or the soundof her laugh. I’ve been holding on to someone who has been gone for over fouryears and I know it’s time to let go.
Whenthe service ends, everyone walks by the casket to say goodbye. Someone put arose in my hand at some point and I lay it on the shiny wood. “I’m so sorry,Kathi. You deserved better than me, better than this. I hope you’re at peacenow.”
Iturn when I hear raised voices behind me and notice that Justus is standingbetween Gloria and Leah while Gloria tries to get to her. She’s screaming.Something about a whore. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I can’t seem tocomprehend anything at the moment, but seeing someone go after Leah yanks meout of my trance.
“Getaway from her!” I snap, stepping in front of Justus and Leah.
“Youbring your whore to my daughter’s funeral. I don’t know why I expected anybetter. All the time pretending you loved her. She would be alive if it wasn’tfor you! You killed her! You killed her!” Gloria screams then falls intohysterical sobs.
Ifeel a soft hand on my arm as one of Gloria’s friends comes to her side talkingsoftly to her. “Let it go, Tuck,” Leah murmurs. “She doesn’t mean it. She’sgrieving. We should go.”
Letthat bitch think anything she wants. I grab Leah’s hand and everyone follows usback to the cars, standing around in a protective group.
“Howdid you know?” I ask no one in particular.
“Youremember we’re hackers, right? We knew about your wife before we hired you tostay at the farmhouse,” Jeremy admits.
“Wefigured you’d talk about it if you wanted to,” Justus adds.
Zoehugs me. “Landon wanted to be here as well, but he thought showing up in hisTeletubby suit might draw attention away from what’s important.”
Landonsuffers from a disease that prevents him from going out in the sunlight withouta protective suit that looks like it was stolen from the movie Outbreak. “Whatthe hell is a Teletubby?” I ask, and everyone giggles.
Itbreaks some of the tension, and Dare speaks up. “We’ll follow you back to yourplace.” Part of me wants to resist, to tell them I need to be alone, but I knowI shouldn’t. These guys have stepped up in a way I never expected and I havesomething I always wanted but never had. Brothers. I won’t push them away.
Leahquietly takes the keys from my hand and climbs into the driver’s seat, glancingback to make sure I’m following her. Fine. My mind is stuffed full of a hundreddifferent things. Focusing on the road probably wouldn’t be a priority.
Wheneveryone is parked in my driveway, I’m surprised to see Ayda, Zoe, and Sadieall carrying in food and drinks. By the time I get inside, my kitchen table iscovered and Justus is pouring glasses of bourbon.
Leahpulls me aside. “If you want everyone gone, just say something. They want to bethere for you, but if it’s too much…”
She’sso sweet, so thoughtful. I need to be far away from her. I can’t deal with howI feel about her after just seeing Kathi buried. It’s wrong.
“I’dlike to hang out with the guys,” I mumble, and she nods.
“Iunderstand.”
Withina few minutes, all the women are gathered on the front porch, eating andtalking while Dare, Jeremy, and Justus sit around the living room with me. Wedon’t talk about Kathi or why I didn’t tell them I had a dying wife, we justhang out and bullshit like usual and it’s exactly what I need. To feelsomething normal. To remind myself that life will go on.
