Page 37 of Tucker
Maybehe never really wanted me the way I thought he did. I mean, he made it prettyclear up until the night I kissed him. Maybe all those looks I thought were fullof longing and lust were in my imagination. He’s probably counting down thedays until I move out. God, I was so stupid.
I’vebeen trying to find myself and so far I’ve found out that I’m pushy andstubborn and not attractive in the least to the equally stubborn man beside me.It’s time to call it quits and give him his house back. I’ll find my ownapartment and take a job in social work. The schools are hurting for counselorsright now. I can write part time.
Tuckerpulls into the gas station and fills a few gas cans for the generators, tuckingthem in the bed of his truck. We also stop to get bottled water and some freshvegetables and fruits. The local superstore only has emergency power so thereare signs warning they can’t take a credit card, but between us we have plentyof cash.
Ihave no idea what it is that I need to see and I’m too afraid of the answer toask. I’m even more confused when we pull into a long term medical facility.
Whyis he bringing me here?
Chapter Ten
Tucker
Ihurt her. I know I did. I can’t stand the expression on her face when she looksat me, which she tries so hard to avoid now. Leah is the happiest, bubbliest, mostannoyingly perky person I’ve ever met and it sometimes drives me insane, butmore than anything right now, I just want to see her smile.
I’vetaken that from her and this is the only way I know to make her understand. I’msure she feels rejected and wonders what she did wrong, so I have to show her.I have to let her in on a secret no one else in the world knows about me.
Ihave to tell her about Kathi.
“Whatare we doing here?”
Iwalk around and open her door. “I need to show you something. Well, someone.”
Shehas no idea how hard this is for me. How could she? But she must sense it’s notthe time for her usual arguing and just follows me inside.
Ihate how this place always smells, like piss and antiseptic. You’d think I’d beused to it by now. “Mr. Long. I’m surprised to see you on a weekday. If you’reconcerned because of the storm, we have emergency generators. It’s beenbusiness as usual here.”
“I’mglad to hear it. We just want to visit for a few minutes,” I explain to thenurse who has watched me come in and out of here for three years.
“Ofcourse. Go on up. I’ll call and let the duty nurse know you’re coming.”
Confusionmars Leah’s face as we ride the elevator, but she doesn’t question me, justwaits silently while I lead her down the hall and into a bright yellow room.
We’remet with the usual sound of beeping machinery and the wheeze of the respirator.Leah freezes as I approach the bed where a lone woman lies, gaunt and pale.“Leah, this is Kathi, my wife.”
Leah’sjaw hits the floor and she shakes her head as if willing it not to be true. “Yourwife.”
“Yes,we were married before I went into the service.”
Leah’sface is white as she whispers, “And how long has she been…here?”
“Fouryears. You don’t need to lower your voice. She can’t hear us.”
“Whathappened to her?”
Runningmy palm over my face, I try to think of how to explain. I can’t do it here evenif Kathi can’t hear me. “It’s a long story. I’ll tell you everything when weget home. I just wanted you to see for yourself why…it’s not you. It’s not thatI don’t want you.”
Sheholds up her palm. “I get it. I’ll…wait in the hall for you.”
BeforeI can respond, she flees the room as if all the devils of hell pursue her. Witha sigh, I straighten Kathi’s blanket and kiss her forehead. She’s always socold now. The doctors tell me that’s normal. We’re approaching the end now.
“OhKat,” I tell her, taking a seat beside her bed. “I screwed up real good thistime.”
Herslack face never moves, and I long ago stopped hoping for it to. There’s nohope. Most people would have disconnected the life support long ago. She’sbrain dead. She’s been brain dead since the accident.
“Iloved you so much, Kathi. I still do and always will, but I fell for heranyway. I think you’d like her. She’s funny and so damned happy all the time. Ican’t do it. I can’t be with someone else after what happened to you. I failedyou. I wasn’t there when you needed me. She makes me smile when I don’t deserveto smile. Not when you’ll never smile again. I was weak and I slept with her.I’m so sorry. I know you’ll never know. I know you’re gone and have been gonefor four long years, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’re married andthat means something to me. I had to bring her. Show her why she needs to go.I’m sorry I can’t stay longer, Kat, but I’ll be back on Saturday, like always.I love you.”
Itake a minute to wipe my eyes so Leah won’t see the tears gathered there beforekissing Kathi on the cheek and leaving the room.
