Page 63 of Landon (In Safe Hands)
Hepaces through the house, stopping to jerk on his underwear. Whoa. Can you sayoverreaction? I pause long enough to pull my panties on and his discardedT-shirt. Anxiety contorts his face as he runs his hands through his overlonghair. “We can’t. I can’t get you pregnant. Shit, Zo, we should’ve alreadytalked about this. I mean, do you want kids? Because I can’t…I just can’t,” herambles.
“Hey!”I grip his face in my palms. “Calm down. I never miss a pill, but if you’reworried, we’ll go get a morning after pill, just to make sure.”
“Yeah?Okay.” He takes a deep breath and begins to hunt for his jeans.
Iwant to talk about this, about why he freaked out and what he has againsthaving kids, but I can see he won’t be able to focus until he’s sure I’m notalready pregnant. Although a late night trip to a twenty-four hour drug storewasn’t exactly what I planned tonight, that’s where we end up.
Thepharmacist, a young woman, gives me a commiserating smile as we’re checkingout. I’m sure we aren’t the only people who show up at midnight for emergencybirth control. After Landon watches me wash down the pill with a sip of soda,his shoulders finally relax.
Awkwardsilence fills the car on the ride home. I stare out the window, but I’m notreally watching the scenery go by. My thoughts are a jumbled mess. Landon isright about one thing, we should have discussed having kids before we gotengaged. I always pictured myself raising children, maybe adopting orfostering. Can I really give that up? I’d do anything for Landon, includingswitching to a more nocturnal schedule, but I really want a family someday,kids I can love and nurture the way I wanted to be when I was little. I nevergot my wish, but how can I give up the chance to give it to another hurting,lonely child?
Alump forms in my throat at the thought of never having a family, at having tochoose between the man I love, and any hope of future children. Landon turnsoff the car, and I realize we’re parked in my driveway.
“I’msorry, Zo. Please, don’t cry.” Strong arms reach around me and pull me into hislap.
“I’mnot,” I lie. The comfort of his arms pushes me over the edge and the tears I’vebeen fighting run down my cheeks.
“Ididn’t mean to react like that.”
“Youwere scared,” I whisper.
“Yeah.”
Ilay my head on his shoulder. “Why, though? Can you tell me why kids scare you?”
Hishand strokes my hair, then travels down my back. “Kids don’t scare me,sweetheart. Passing on my disease to a kid scares me.”
God,how dense can I be? XP is genetic. “Oh.”
“Yeah,and I know they say the chances are slim, both parents have to be carriers, andso on, but I just can’t risk it.”
“Iunderstand.”
“Iknow I should’ve told you before, but I didn’t want to lose you. You shouldn’thave to give up having children on my account.”
Iturn to look into his eyes in the dim moonlight. “So, is that the only reason,or do you not want to raise children? Because there’s always adoption.”
Aslow smile brightens his face. “You’d consider adoption?”
“Ofcourse. I’ve always thought about it. There are so many kids in the foster caresystem. Kids who have no one. I don’t need to have a baby with my blood, but Ido want children someday.”
Warmlips land on mine, and his slow, searching kiss reassures me that everything isokay. We’re okay. “You’re amazing,” he murmurs. “Come on, let’s get inside.”
ChapterFourteen
Zoe
Afew weeks before Christmas, Ethan comes home excited. “Zo! Colin and his fosterfamily are going to a ski resort in Vermont for Christmas and they invited meto go! I don’t need any money or anything. Please say I can go!”
Asmile stretches his eager face. Christmas doesn’t mean much to either of us.We’ve pretty much avoided anything religious since leaving the church, so Ishouldn’t be surprised he wants to use the time to go away with his boyfriend.“You aren’t going to come back married or anything are you?” I tease.
“Ofcourse not! So? Can I?”
“Yes,but I want to speak to his foster parents. And you should find out how manymembers of their family are going and get each one a small gift. You don’t wantto be left out on Christmas morning when everyone is trading gifts.”
Heleaps to his feet and grabs his phone. “I will! Shit.” He pauses and stares atme. “What should I get? Gift cards?”
“We’llgo shopping before you leave,” I promise, laughing, and he’s off to call Colinand let him know he can go.
